Tidbits

My sister recommended almond milk on her blog so I bought some for S. He has troubles with cow's milk but enjoyed goat's milk and thought soy milk was just ok. I tested it on my skin before drinking it to see if I'd get a rash and I didn't. I don't think I'm allergic to almonds but we use this stuff at work called Bitter Almond Extract and it leaves welts on my skin if I don't rinse it off right away. The milk tasted good, sort of like thin watery almonds, and I wondered if it would make good rice. It did :) I used the same amount of milk that I would have for water, added a healthy pinch of sugar, and a small pinch of salt and pepper and put it all in the rice cooker. It made mildly sweet, nutty rice. Tasty.

J has some community service to complete from his shoplifting charge back in December and is having some difficulties. First he lost his wallet with the timesheet in it so I had to call the probation officer and get a new one. Then all the numbers she gave him to call didn't quite work out. J said he called them but they would put him on hold and then disconnect or say they didn't do community service any more. Except the Boys and Girls Club, they said anytime between 330pm and 730pm. So we went today and got this:
Me: Hi, I'm here to drop off my son for community service work.
Receptionist: Do we do that? (to me)
Me: Um, yes, Ms T gave us your number, is the Volunteer Coordinator here?
Recep: Yes, there she is, hey do we do community service? (to VCO)
VCO: Are you here to volunteer? (to me)
Me: No, we're here so my son can do some community service.
VCO: Oh, I don't think we do that anymore.
Me: Well, you are the Volunteer Coordinator, right? So you would know, right?
VCO: Yes, did you want to volunteer?
Me: No, my son needs to complete his community service.
VCO: Does he want to volunteer?
Me: Only if it counts towards his hours for community service, would it?
VCO: No, I don't think we do that here.
Me: Well, thanks anyway.
J after we left the building: What. the hell?? The search for community service hours continues...

And in other news...Lost is back tomorrow! I love the show and cannot fathom why this would be the last season. For you fans out there I found this video on Jorge Garcia's (Hurley's) blog:

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

As some of you may remember, I have two sons, T and J. At 15 yrs old T hasn't been giving me too much grief, just the usual rebellion. And by 'usual' I mean mostly attitude stuff. He attends school, has friends, has a girlfriend, does well in some classes but is flippant with other teachers, has a job, and is generally responsible. He is cautious about new situations and will study them for a bit before wading in carefully.

J however, is thirteen and seems to be cut from a very different cloth and has been getting increasingly difficult to manage. Any new situation for him is an opportunity to fling himself into completely before totally understanding what could happen. Then deals with the consequences with the arrogant attitude that it doesn't apply to him and therefore is irrelevant.

Pdoc said that from his personal experience about 80% of the child is born and 20% is their environment. He's seen some messed up kids from outstanding homes and some fabulous children from homes nobody should be subjected to. He said J is a good kid but is under the impression that he runs the world. J is full of smoke and mirrors and in order to be guided he needs to drop the bravado. This isn't uncommon for a teenager, but it can lead to disaster. Pdoc also pointed out that J cannot be helped unless he chooses to be helped because of his age. And right now J is not willing and feels it's not needed. As an adult I can see that some of the decisions J has made can be disastrous but J sees them as fun and interesting. Luckily, J is still obeying the rules to the house like curfew and whatnot, but is starting to push things a bit far.

One of the decisions J has made is to hang out with mall rats. These are mostly teens with some fairly bad habits. While I don't think all of the kids in this circle are bad, there are some that I wouldn't want J influenced by. Some of these kids live downtown as street kids which J thinks is just so cool. These kids bounce from house to house to sleep or sleep on the street. I can't fathom how this is cool, but I'm not 13. These street kids also associate with some adults and that is just a recipe for Very Bad Things to happen, in my opinion. Pdoc agrees that this is not the best situation for J to be in and could throw J down a very bad path.

Because J is getting difficult to manage, pdoc had two suggestions for me (J wasn't in the room when we discussed this). The first was a teen group therapy that he has run for the last 18 years and has been quite successful, even with the children that are dragged there and guarded by social workers. It's a group where the teens talk to peers instead of teens talking to adults. Successful apparently because teens listen to peers more than adults. The problem, of course, is getting J there. Even this last visit with pdoc was non-productive as J didn't want to be there and made sure everyone in the vicinity knew that. Somehow I've got to get J to volunteer for it as I doubt I could physically carry him in the building and strap him to a chair. Although I am very strong...

The other suggestion was to try some tough love with J to get J to crack. You see, J wants to live with his dad for a while. He thinks his life will be better with dad as most kids who have split homes are inclined to believe. Pdoc thinks that J will quickly tire of dad's rules or treatment and want to come home to me. This may be true as Ex is married to a woman who doesn't want children. Having your spouse's children over for the weekend is very different than having them over for an indefinite amount of time. But pdoc says to tell J that he can only come back to me if he agrees to whatever rules I have in place (like attend the group).

There's a major flaw in this logic to me. While I think it may work, J would get tired of how Ex treats him and remember life with me wasn't all that bad. But J is extraordinarily strong willed. Instead of agreeing to my conditions and coming back, he'd go downtown and live with the street kids because it's cool to him. He even told me today that he'd like to live with his friends but that it was probably illegal for him to do that. I told him it was indeed illegal as he's only thirteen and still a minor. He said I could pretend to kick him out and then he'd have to live with his friends. I told him I love him too much to kick him out (thinking 'thank goodness he thinks it's illegal' because in reality if he runs away there isn't much the police or Social Services can do about it, according to pdoc). I'd like to think he'd get tired of living on the street and not bathing, not eating regularly, no computer, no iPod (I'm sure that would disappear quickly), and no warm home...but I can't be sure he'd bend and come back. He has not once, not ever, given in and backed down from something or someone. Instead he accepts the new situation and does his best to manipulate it to his advantage. Sort of reminds me...of...me...hm.

Moving right along here...J talked to Ex and asked if he could live there, Ex said he had to talk to me first. The only thing Ex said to me was that he shouldn't have to pay child support if J is living with him. So I filled Ex in on all of J's behaviour problems and current poor choices, and Ex brought the conversation back to money. And he's already talked to his lawyer, oh goody. So I called my lawyer today.

And yes, Ex wouldn't be responsible for child support while J is living with him. But he is responsible for child support for T living with me and I pay child support to Ex for J. Child support is based wholly on income and number of children. So if Ex is making the same amount of money as me then our child support payments cancel each other out. But if one is making more than the other, the one making more pays the difference to the one making less. Still with me? Ok. Maintenance Enforcement Program (MEP) has a new program that automatically recalculates the child support payments based on the tax returns each year. The way my child support is set up I'd have to take Ex to court to have it recalculated so I don't qualify for the program. So I asked the lawyer about taking Ex to court and changing the child support agreement to be in compliance with the recalculation program with MEP. After all, fair is fair. Ex is making more money than me and should pay more. I just haven't bothered to go to court until now because it seemed like a hassle. But then I remembered...he's a prick and should pay whatever the law demands he pay.

I won't stop J from staying with his dad. If J lives with him I'll be sure to file the addendum to child support that J is living there instead of here and reverse if J moves back so the child support can be calculated appropriately. I'm sure Ex will be fumingly angry at me for readjusting the payments and may even rant and rave to J about it. But fair is fair, you pay what you owe.

Oh, and, pdoc told me (but didn't tell J) that because he's 13 he can go to a custody hearing with his own lawyer or represent himself and choose where to live. So I feel like J has all the power here. Social Services can't drag him back home if he runs away, he can choose which parent to live with, if it doesn't work out living with Ex and I burn the bridge to come here he'll bolt to his friends and get in a worse situation. That leaves doing my best to instill some kind of moral compass in him to make better choices. Keeping in mind that I've been doing that for 13 years and this is where we are now. I'm hoping to get him to go to group, even grudgingly. It's a tiny glimmer that things could be better.

Social Ineptitude

Another reason I read the book Connected was because I have never really felt like I am a part of society but I couldn't pin down why I felt that way. Throughout my life I have watched others with envy and wondered at their ability to socialize with each other. I have never been able to socialize easily. When I talk I either give too much information or not enough information and am forever questioning myself about where that balance lies.

The best way I can describe it is to say it's like knowing how to sing without being able to sing. Knowing how to move my diaphragm for the best amplification, knowing what the notes are individually as well as the overall sound, knowing the timing of the spaces between notes as well as when to breathe during singing. But when I open my mouth to sing I'm horribly off key and no amount of training seems to change that. The realization that singing can be a natural talent that I simply don't have as well as a trainable trait that my body simply can't learn as well as others. That's what being social is like for me.

I'm not sure if other people do this, but I spend a huge amount of time running conversations in my head. From big discussions to small talk, I plan what I'm going to say and how I'm going to say it. I plan what I'll ask someone at work and keep in mind how to continue the conversation by asking key questions. During the conversation I'll have a running commentary in my head - 'did I say that right? was I too sharp? did I insult her? should I laugh now? show support, look encouraging, make your face like you are interested'. And then when the conversation is done I wonder 'Was I too talkative? Did I say too much? did i ask the right questions?' For big discussions I plan out my key points and get ready for any argument that could arise. And then I get frustrated or off balance if a point comes up that I didn't plan for, or if the points I discussed with myself are no longer relevant.

This is why casual conversations are not too bad. They are short, usually pleasant, and more like extended small talk. Like when someone at work wants to argue about a policy or person, or talk about their holiday. Emails and preplanned interactions are better because I have more time to think about what I need to say or do or act. Chance encounters are ok because the conversation is limited to 'oh hi! do you like your new job?' and whatnot. But getting beyond casual acquaintances is difficult because the relationship requires me to know how to give and take and I screw that up with panache. The intricacies of the relationship are just too complex for me especially with the mood swings. During a Down I have very different attitudes about things then when on an Up.

This is probably why casual acquaintances are much easier than close friends for me. As much as I may want more friends that I can call up to go to coffee or talk, building the relationships seems so hard. People frustrate me in their selfishness - mostly with only wanting to discuss themselves and their lives as well as interrupting me on a continuous basis. Now, it may well be that I've only chosen that type of person to befriend, but it is getting tiring. So when Connections spoke about friends as being people that would invite you to a party, there is only one person outside of family that fits that description. And even then, she keeps me separate from the rest of her world as much as I keep her separate from mine. It's amazing to me that I have been able to connect with S enough to form a stable relationship. And my boys, well, I can see now where I could have done better in the past in forming relationships with them. I wish I could go back in time and be a better parent now that I know more about parenting as well as how my brain works. And even though I'm doing better now because I know better, in ten years I'll still be able to look back and see where I could have done better.

Another thing I do constantly is watch people's microexpressions intently to gain information about how they feel, what they are really saying, and why. Then I do my best to be what that person needs right then and there. Do they need a confidant? a co-conspirator? a comedienne? a leader? And then later I wonder why I agreed with something just to get along when in fact I don't agree with that point at all. Don't get me wrong, I do have my own emotions. I feel happy or sad or empathetic of others, but I just don't know how to relate to others without attempting to be what they want me to be. Like if someone tells me she feels so fat I know she might want me to say she's not or that she'll overcome it. But in reality I want to point out the six donuts she just ate so of course she feels fat.

At least I seem to be better at social situations now then I was twenty years ago. But it's exhausting and I'm starting to see that it will never be easy or natural for me.

Itty Bitty Book Review - Connected

I am fascinated by social behaviour and have spent a good deal of my life watching other people, their behaviour, and their interactions with each other. So when I heard about the book Connected: The Surprising Power of Our Social Networks and How They Shape Our Lives (by Nicholas A Christakis and James H Fowler) I quickly put it on hold at my library. I was delighted that the book was easy to read, easy to understand, and packed with referenced data. The authors took a complex subject and managed to compartmentalize each component before adding it to the overall concept in a way that was very easy to understand and reference back to in the book.

Some of the data included was a study that was done by the authors on the contagious properties of obesity. Having heard that obesity is an 'epidemic' in America they were interested if it fit the description. Epidemic has two meanings: the first being a higher than usual prevalence of a condition (check, lots of chubby people), and the second definition connotes contagion suggesting that something is spreading rapidly (how could obesity be contagious?). While they did indeed find obesity to be contagious, they found it was because our friend's friend's friend influences us indirectly. To put it simply, let's say I know Jane, who knows Mary, who knows Donna. Keep in mind that Donna and I don't know each other. Donna decides to end her diet for whatever reason. Mary sees Donna stop fighting obesity so Mary exercises just a little less. Jane gets used to seeing Mary as a larger person who doesn't exercise much so it becomes normal. I watch Jane's acceptance of obesity and that observation influences me to accept being a larger woman as well.

Many, many other studies are presented in the book and with each one the authors learned that people are influenced by people only three degrees away from them whether you know the person or not. Our connections and the networks we belong to help shape our attitudes about nearly everything. We choose our networks by deciding who we want as friends and how many friends we want. But we don't choose our friend's friends or our friend's friend's friend, and that last person can influence you. And the more central you are to your network, the more influenced you are by your network.

Connected also explores the heritable traits of being a loner or being central to a network. Yes, the authors have concluded that it's actually in our genes as to whether or not we will be considered a loner or more sociable. So while I am more of a loner and on the periphery of my network, J is central to his networks and he has many. I have considered over the years that I was raised to be this way but watching J I have wondered how much of sociability is born into us. I raised J and T in a similar manner, taking them both to play groups and parks and keeping them both home equally. But J is able to make connections with complete strangers, where T is more likely to watch from the sidelines and be alone. So T has inherited my gene of going it alone, J has inherited somewhere the gene to build a larger, more complex network.

There is a gigantic amount of information in the book but it is presented so well that I would recommend it to anyone interested in a different point of view on how society works and why.

lol

I saw this on Fail Blog and it describes Avatar's plot beautifully :)

Avatar

S and I finally saw the movie Avatar yesterday and it was fantastic! Well, the effects and 3D were fantastic, the story line was just ok. I was reluctant to go because I'd heard that the story wasn't all that great and I don't always like sitting in a theater with noisy children, perfumed women, and texting teens. But I'd agreed to go and showed more interest when S said it was 3D and well worth seeing in the theater.

I was quite interested to see what it was like now that movie companies have revamped the 3D effects. I remember the green and red glasses you had to wear and I hated them. For some reason my brain just couldn't get my eyes to see the 3D that way unless I really concentrated. And even then it was just a blurry mess most of the time. I also can't see those Magic Eye pictures at all. My dad used to look at them in the weekend comics and tell me what was there and help instruct me on how to see it. But not matter how fuzzy I made my eyes, or how relaxed I was looking past the picture, it was just color squiggles to me...and it still is after visiting that link I just made.

Anyway, before the movie started there was a reminder to put your glasses on and then a little vignette of a dog and ball came on. The ball looked like it was coming right out of the screen! Then they showed a preview to Alice in Wonderland in 3D with Johnny Depp and OMG it was so cool! So before the movie had even started I was thinking that the $15.50/each we paid for admission was so worth it. About three quarters of the way through the movie I wondered why the 3D effects weren't being used as much, no more close ferns or floating embers. But then my cell vibrated and I took my glasses off to leave the audience to return the call (it was J, I made a deal with myself that no matter what I will return or answer all calls from the boys asap - they may be in trouble and need help). When I looked up at the screen I could see that the movie was still in 3D - I'd just gotten so used to viewing it that way. The filmmakers used a new kind of stereoscopic camera developed especially for this film, more can be read about that here. I really don't understand most of what I read there, except to say it's come a long way baby :)

The movie was so engrossing in the effects that the audience was much quieter than I'm used to. No noisy candy bags, popcorn munching, texting, talking, giggling, or fussy babies. That in itself made it a pleasure to view on the big screen. But when I see Alice in Wonderland I'll go extra early so I can sit in the middle instead of on the side.

We would have been earlier but parking was a bit of a nightmare and the lines were huge. I wanted to buy tickets online but didn't research it well enough in advance (I'd like to print the tickets on my computer as well, so I don't have to wait in line at all). There were two lines, one for box office sales and one for automatic ticket machines (like ATMs). Both lines were long enough that they were through two sets of doors and snaking outside. We each stood in a line to see who got to the front faster - S won in the Auto ticket line. I left my box office line to join him and we were waved down to the machine. There were nine machines, six on the inside of the theater (past both sets of doors) and three in between the two sets of doors. So we had to double back halfway down the line to buy a ticket at the available machine in between the doors. Crowded - but no problem. The machine takes debit - no problem. The screen went white during payment - problem. I got the employee to help, he directed us to the machine next to us and we did get a receipt saying the transaction was canceled. We re-did everything at the next machine - no problem. The machine said it was printing the tickets - problem. They were stuck inside the machine. So I got the employee again who had to open the machine and retrieve the accordion that was our tickets. The tickets were illegible so the employee had a coworker walk us past the ticket taker and into the theater. We didn't get to sit down until 15 minutes before the movie started so all the best seats were taken. I'd advise the theater to put the Auto machines somewhere else but they are in the best location at the moment. They used to be situated so you had to cross the box office line to get to them. Believe me, that was worse.

Hey, and a suggestion for cell phone manufacturers: make cell phone screens movie theater friendly. Instead of a glaring white screen that illuminates a three foot radius from the user, have a screen 1/10th as bright. Bright enough to see what you are typing, but dim enough not to disturb other audience members. And make the keys silent so audience neighbors aren't subjected to the tickticktick of texting. Or, yeah, leave the theater to answer texts. On my own selfish note I must say it would have been easier to text J back instead of get up, shuffle past three people, find my way down stairs, turn a corner, and return the call, go back around the corner, find the stairs, climb up while looking for my seat, shuffle past three people, sit down and watch the movie.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year - I hope everybody was safe in their celebrations. I would like New Year's a lot more if it was warm and sunny out, but here it's dark and cold and snowy. It just makes me want to hibernate and fantasize about warm sun on my skin and prickly green grass poking my feet.

S and I stayed in an watched a couple of movies I'd recorded. I get most of the movie channels so every once in a while I flip through them and record whatever sounds interesting. We watched something called A Number which was about how adult clones struggle with their identity. It was slow, but I did find it interesting how the father dealt with each clone that visited him.

The second movie we saw was The Code with Morgan Freeman and Antonio Banderas. I'd set this one to record based on those two actors and nothing else. There was no writeup for it on my Guide setting on the PVR box. But I like Morgan Freeman and have nothing against Antonio Banderas so I figured it was worth a shot. It turned out to be a crime drama, the leads are thieves after a big heist. There's a plot twist that keeps it interesting and the movie held my attention easily. Except I had a hard time picturing Antonio as a sex symbol, I kept envisioning him as Puss In Boots from the Shrek movies. Every time he tried to look sexy I had the image of an orange tabby cat in thigh-high boots, which almost made me giggle.

Another movie I'd recorded and saw a few days ago was Pontypool. I chose this one because it said 'suspense' in the description and that always interests me. Turns out it was about a virus that affects a small Ontario town. This could almost be a student film because it's basically shot on one set with three main actors. You don't even see the extras really, just their shadows and voices. It held my attention as well. I wouldn't say it was spectacular, but it was good. Kind of a zombie movie.

The rest of my New Year's was spent worrying about J. T had to work and then stayed home in his room, but J went out with friends. He has several circles of friends, some that mix well and some that don't. Some that are not a bad influence and some I'd rather moved far, far away. Luckily, he was hanging out with the not too bad crowd last night. From what he told me, they spent a lot of time riding the city buses because they were free all night and ended up at someone's house. J didn't tell me everything he did, but I have an active imagination so I can figure it out myself. After all, I was 13 once, and if I had anywhere near the amount of friends he had then I'd've been doing similar stuff.

Anyway, I spent a lot of time looking at the clock wondering what J was up to and whether or not I should worry. Things worked out fine, he's in one piece and didn't get into any trouble. Well, no major trouble that I was told about. He was where he said he'd be when I picked him up and I even gave his friend a ride home. Even though the buses were free his friend had to walk six blocks to get to the bus stop and it was -25C out. I couldn't leave him to walk so I had him get in my car and drove him home. That way he could avoid the drunken people that were trickling to their homes.

Let's hope 2010 (or MMX) turns out to be a good year :)