03 August 2008


Something occurred to me the other day....

I was thinking about friendships and how I have so few. I don't feel like I need friends or anything. I actually prefer to be by myself most times, but there are times when I feel like sharing something and friends are great for that. I recognized a pattern in my life which surprised me. First I find a new friend and we discover we are great to hang around with. We have lots of fun and call or see each other pretty much daily. Then I begin to resent not having any time to myself. I start to hide from the friend in order to steal some time alone. I start to wonder why we hung around so much. By now this friend is starting to really piss me off. I will find faults in her behaviour and only see the negative in this person. I will start being short and rude with her and make excuses not to see her or call her. I will disagree with her when before I'd've agreed with most everything she said. Then the calls stop coming and she moves on. I am happy at first, finally, some time alone! Then I will miss her and wonder why we don't see each other any more. If I contact her too soon, she will just piss me off no matter what she says or does. I will get righteous and rant about her behind her back. If I wait long enough, the friendship can be rekindled. It's like I have to have it as 'all or nothing'.

I really can see why I don't have many friends. Only one has stuck it out and for over twenty years. I now know that it is completely my fault. I set it up so we see each other constantly, like we can't carry on the day without updating each other on every little step we made. Then the Down comes, I think. And that's when the friend starts to get under my skin. Everything she does just grates on my nerves. I realized this at work, there are two co-workers who I'm stuck in the 'go away' stage. I don't want to even hear the sound of their voices much less see them. But I have to work with them so I fake it most of the time lately and try my best to stay busy and stay away from them.

The bigger question here is: did I ruin my marriage by doing this? I suppose it doesn't matter, I don't have any wish to get back together with my ex. But I think about the future with S and I wonder if he'll tolerate this kind of behaviour. I feel really bad that I do this to people and feel like it's unreasonable to expect that people will be available to me only when I want them around. I believe I'm an excellent friend, on an Up. I am supportive, kind, compassionate, and fun to be around. On a Down I'm contradictory, argumentative, full of advice on how to do things 'right', and unaccepting of flaws in people. I have wondered how much of this is Bipolar and how much is just me.

1 comment:

Chantelle said...

Your words struck a chord with me. I also have made other female friends that I see a *lot* and then that I get annoyed with and push away, just like you described. I try not to see friends too often, now.

I also have a similar pattern with me when I'd make friends with really strong women. I feel vulnerable and make friends with those women because they are strong and will nurture me.... but then I end up feeling strong inside and push them away. They don't understand what's happened, because they're being the nurturing, strong person they always were.

I know that these aren't exactly the same as yours but they are sort of similar. So maybe some of what you're describing is bipolar but some of it is just what we learned?

I don't know if you did this with your ex but I whole-heartedly supported it if you did. :)

Love and hugs,