Something occurred to me the other day....
I was thinking about friendships and how I have so few. I don't feel like I need friends or anything. I actually prefer to be by myself most times, but there are times when I feel like sharing something and friends are great for that. I recognized a pattern in my life which surprised me. First I find a new friend and we discover we are great to hang around with. We have lots of fun and call or see each other pretty much daily. Then I begin to resent not having any time to myself. I start to hide from the friend in order to steal some time alone. I start to wonder why we hung around so much. By now this friend is starting to really piss me off. I will find faults in her behaviour and only see the negative in this person. I will start being short and rude with her and make excuses not to see her or call her. I will disagree with her when before I'd've agreed with most everything she said. Then the calls stop coming and she moves on. I am happy at first, finally, some time alone! Then I will miss her and wonder why we don't see each other any more. If I contact her too soon, she will just piss me off no matter what she says or does. I will get righteous and rant about her behind her back. If I wait long enough, the friendship can be rekindled. It's like I have to have it as 'all or nothing'.
I really can see why I don't have many friends. Only one has stuck it out and for over twenty years. I now know that it is completely my fault. I set it up so we see each other constantly, like we can't carry on the day without updating each other on every little step we made. Then the Down comes, I think. And that's when the friend starts to get under my skin. Everything she does just grates on my nerves. I realized this at work, there are two co-workers who I'm stuck in the 'go away' stage. I don't want to even hear the sound of their voices much less see them. But I have to work with them so I fake it most of the time lately and try my best to stay busy and stay away from them.
The bigger question here is: did I ruin my marriage by doing this? I suppose it doesn't matter, I don't have any wish to get back together with my ex. But I think about the future with S and I wonder if he'll tolerate this kind of behaviour. I feel really bad that I do this to people and feel like it's unreasonable to expect that people will be available to me only when I want them around. I believe I'm an excellent friend, on an Up. I am supportive, kind, compassionate, and fun to be around. On a Down I'm contradictory, argumentative, full of advice on how to do things 'right', and unaccepting of flaws in people. I have wondered how much of this is Bipolar and how much is just me.