22 December 2008

Not Very Christmassy

It doesn't feel like Christmas this year. I don't know why. I can see my stimmy tree beside me with gifts under it, as well as gifts piled on the chair beside me. But it doesn't matter. They seem out of place somehow.

I haven't done any Christmas baking, but that's not unusual of the last three years. I work in a bakery and the last
thing I want to do at home is bake.

I haven't received many cards this year (only one, from my landlord), although that's not unusual either. I don't have a big circle of friends and I don't go to church. So no cards or Christmas wishes. Most of my tv shows had a Christmas episode and the malls I go to have their decorations up. Still. No Christmas warmth or tingle in my belly.

Maybe it's because it didn't snow here until after December started? I'm accustomed to snow around Halloween so that was unusual.

I don't feel the pinch for cash that I know others are feeling, especially in the US. S and I both have full-time jobs that pay reasonably well and we manage our money ok. Not great, but ok. So no Christmas-spirit damper there.

So I don't know what would help me feel Christmassy. What usually does? I have no idea.

I know I used to prepare for it quite some time in advance. I used to plan out all my baking and arrange my food shopping budget to include the extra pounds of butter, chocolate, nuts and sweet things. I used to plan the gifts out to family and shop just to see if anything jumps out at me. I used to plan family celebration dates both with my family and my in-laws. I used to watch my boys and see what they'd like to receive as gifts. I would look forward to choosing Christmas wrap and making the gifts look beautiful.

This year I didn't bake anything. I remembered to buy something from work to cut up into squares. Barely remembered. I had to keep reminding myself to do it. I planned the gifts some time ago but had to keep reminding myself that I had little time to get them finished. I only have my extended family to make time for as a celebration. S's mom may come into the city but we aren't required to host a big dinner or anything. My boys are extraordinarily difficult to buy for now. Well, always. T never played with toys in the traditional sense, just carried them around and grouped them together. J doesn't have attachments to things so as long as I get something he asked for, he'd be ok with it. Then he'd play with it for less than two weeks and discard it. Now they both like their computers and games. These can get expensive. I have wrap from last year that I'll use up this year, so no need to buy new paper.

I do wonder if this absolute lack of excitement is due to a Bipolar cycle. I can remember some Christmases in my life where I've felt the same way - just blah. Everything is a hassle and too much work. Carols seem annoying and too loud. Shopping is a pain with the crowds and bright lights. Chosing gifts is a monumental task. I just want it over so I don't have to think about it any more. And other years where the decorations are beautiful and I'm excited to open my gifts and watch people open my gifts to them. I love to shop and see new things and wonder who might like them. I listen to carols that I like and sing along (in my house when I'm alone) and I smile all the time at the goodwill amoung people.

Yeah, it's probably a Down. I have no desire to do anything, really. My book isn't that engaging, blog-hopping (clicking 'next blog' over and over) is boring, Photoshop is too much work, tv has nothing on, no good movies on the movie channels, too cold to do any outside stuff, crowds are too thick to shop, I don't have a lot of friends to call and babble at. I feel like I have nothing to do except wait for bedtime.

1 comment:

The Hyperlexian Aspie said...

Sorry to read you're Down. That makes it almost every adult in our family, I think. It may also have to do with pop being gone this year, no?

I could read that you were feeling more and more upset in your blog posts, but I didn't know which way your mood was swinging. Do you have strategies to get you through the Downs?