04 January 2009

Back to Normal

WhooooHooooo! School is back in tomorrow!

I love my boys. I really do. But they really need to go back to school. They need to get back into their routines. They need to study, learn, follow a schedule, see friends. And I really do want them out of the house. The four of us have been home for two weeks. Well, S has had five weekdays off over the last two weeks but the rest of us have been tripping over each other since 20Dec. Yes, school is needed, required, longed for.

J needs to get rid of his excess energy - something school definitely accomplishes. His program is mostly sports which helps. He has cabin fever at the moment. The boys went sledding earlier today so he is quiet for the moment, but I know his adrenalin is building up. When he was little - about five - he was running in circles in the yard. Literally, in circles on the edge of the yard. I asked what he was doing and he said 'just running'. When I asked why he said 'dunno'. Oh yeah, this kid is a ball of energy.

T likes routines even though he may not admit it. So I suspect he'll be happier to go back to school just so he doesn't have hours on end of free time. He is not a ball of energy. He is quiet and reserved. And teenager-y in his general beligerence.

S will be back at work as well. Christmas upsets plans and routines too much in his field. His job is in sales and trying to sell someone something non-retail is very difficult in the last half of December. So hopefully his clients will be ready to start their year and get their meetings planned and organized, and S can help them out - for a nominal fee :)

As for me, I go back to work on Thursday, but I think it'll only be a half day. My bosses thought it would be good if I could take a bit of time to get organized before I started to actually work. Hm. You'd think they've noticed I'm a bit organized (read: controlling or OCDish) or something. During shutdown my scaling cooler and freezer are turned off, so everything will need to be turned back on and put away in its place. Also, starting tomorrow, there are people that will be cleaning the plant so they will no doubt move all my stuff around. I'll be needing to put all that away as well. It's easier to scale ingredients if I can actually find them.

Tomorrow I plan to do....nothing. Just listen to the quiet house. I considered calling my sisters for shopping or something but really, I'm all peopled out. I need time for just me.

I don't know how other people with Bipolar Disorder handle things or keep on an even-ish keel, but I know one of the cornerstones for me is time completely alone. This is the main reason I start work at 5am. That way I'm off at 1pm. Two whole hours before the boys are off school and four hours before S is off work. So I can go home and have a quiet house just for me with no interruptions. I've been known to ignore the phone and door during this time. An empty house is what resets my brain to a more normal level. Otherwise I feel like I'm drawing on reserves to keep pleasant or sociable - even with family. And believe me, when those reserves run out I become grumpy. Evilly grumpy. Say-horrible-things grumpy. Burst-of-uncontrollable-rage grumpy.

And by time alone I don't mean someone else in another room or sleeping. I mean time completely by myself in my own house. It's the only time I feel like I can completely relax. Otherwise I feel like I'm being observed all the time, or on-call to whoever is nearby. Always on alert, I guess is what it feels like, or ever-aware of people around me. Before I had this job I would take a walk in the mornings at dawn for an hour. This accomplished the same thing, but it's important to note that when I got home my ex would already be on a different floor of the house and my boys still asleep. That way I could ease into my day with people.

Really, there are times in my life that I wished I didn't have to interact with a single other human being until I was damn ready to do so, regardless of the amount of time it took for me to feel ready. I don't even know if this is a Bipolar thing or just a normal thing. Everyone has their own ways of replenishing themselves I suppose, being alone is my way.

1 comment:

Michelle said...

I CRAVE "alone time" I really mean it. I also think it's really important to be able to enjoy your OWN company. I feel sorry for people who can't. Who have to have someone watching T.V with them, shopping with them etc.
I love to go to a coffee shop, take a book and drink a really hot coffee and really hope that no one starts a conversation with me. B/c I will come across as bitch. OK I will be a bitch.
Bill, who encourages me to have "alone time" always thought that I wanted to get OUT of the house but most of the time I want to stay in and read, rest, drink a good coffee and read, read, read and maybe watch a really sappy chick flick or do some scrap-
Even when I was single I never had a roomy. NO WAY!!

( I got a Chapters gift card for christmas and can't wait to have a couple hours to go there and just look and not have to engage in any convo!)

I love my 3 boys to death. I go to these scrapbook retreats about 3x's a year for a weekend. I hear these women calling home every hour, saying how much they miss their husbands and kids and the girls that I go with, we roll our eyes, b/c sure we miss them but not enough to call home every hour (last time Bill called me the following evening, horrible I know) or want to go home. We sleep in, scrapbook, eat have some drinks and just hang out. It's good for me and it's good for the boys. The boys are going to be leaving home one day and I don't want Bill and I to be like, "Hmmm, what do we do now that the kids aren't here. Who are WE?" Nope not going to happen.

The more read your blog the more I think your awesome!!!