02 May 2010

Happy Birthday to me!

Today I'm 40 and I finally I feel like my internal attitude has met up with my age :) I have always felt like a middle aged woman inside impatiently waiting for my body to catch up to my brain. And now here we are, caught up. Now when I get irritated with the arrogance of the young I don't have to remind myself that I am one of them. Instead I find that my irritation fits with what an adult of a certain age would feel when watching the behaviour of those young 'uns.

There is enough time behind me now to say with confidence "I remember when..." and have a sense of history. I've seen computers evolve, cell phones arrive, and music become something I pick out of the air. It used to be that calculators weren't even allowed during exams and now laptops are encouraged in schools. Telephones were not only tethered to the wall with a cord but the handset tethered to the base as well. Music was purchased in a store as a record or cassette and now I surf the web, select a song, and download it without ever having seen any physical representation of the band.

I have enough years behind me to regret the things I have not done. I've been working off and on for twenty five years and have not saved a single dime towards retirement. Now retirement age is twenty five years ahead of me and I regret not using my money more wisely. I did not pursue careers that have an expiry date like a gymnast, Ice Capade, dancer, model, or acrobat. There is no way I could physically do those things now to the degree that I'd want to. Instead my body reminds me of my age by stiffening up overnight, losing energy faster, taking longer to recover from injury, and taking longer to build strength.

I finally feel more comfortable in my own skin though. There are no more wishes for longer legs, bigger eyes, better vision, prettier hands, delicate feet, or a longer torso. Instead I've come to accept these as things I simply cannot change and am grateful for a body that does what I need it to do rather than look the way I want it to.

The panic of my youth is finally over and I can settle into a world that I know I've created. I've learned that what I do and think will impact my world, positively and negatively, and shape my corner of the universe. No more floundering about trying to be someone I'm not or trying to figure out who I am. Now I accept who I am, good and bad parts equally. I know what I like and how to create a world that has more of what I want and less of what I don't want, and not feel like I need to apologize for it.

My brain feels like it's matured and more enlightened with each passing year. I'm hoping that this feeling increases with time and am looking forward to how I'll feel at 50, 60, 80, and ultimately 100. Forty years down, sixty to go :)


Chantelle said...

Happy birthday! 40 was definitely a turning-point year for me and it sounds like it's similar for you... except that your attitude is better than mine. You're accepting your age while I only accepted it kicking and screaming :)

Love you,

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday to Robin, happy birthday to you!

40 has always been a big deal for me, after all, my Mom was 40 when I was born :) So for me, 40 was always a place of beginnings. It was the year I started university - not that it led anywhere constructive, but I had a great time doing it!

You've developed into a wonderfully competent and capable woman whom I'm proud to call my daughter.

Love, Mom

Sheri said...

Happy Birtday! Terrific retrospective with an awesome conclusion.

The Hyperlexian Aspie said...

cool attitude! i have the advantage of watching 2 sisters experience everything before i get there, so i can see where future roads can lead and have advance preparation. like, i get to ride in the wake! heh.