14 January 2011

Finally, my brain is quiet

Some time ago I started thinking about using some kind of medication for the Bipolar Disorder. I was tired of knowing that my thoughts and attitudes change depending on which chemicals are currently bathing my brain. And it was getting really exhausting trying to keep up with how I was feeling and doing my best to stay on an even keel. What prompted me into action was my mom dying.

My mom was on Seroquel, Cipralex and some others. She would go off these two randomly to try to lose weight so she could feel better about herself. But then she would feel the withdrawl and go back on them. Then she would take a bit too much of the Seroquel in order to live in a fog. I don't know for sure, but I suspect that her inconsistent medicating partly led to her death. I think that if she stayed on her medicine it would have done more to even her out than going off, on, off, on. So when she died I decided that I need to be in one frame of mind and not three (Up, Down and Middle) and that whatever I chose to take I need to give it time to work and follow the instructions for use.

What I decided on was EMPowerplus by Truehope. I'd tried this stuff a few years ago but it made me so nauseous that I stopped taking it. Well, I was also afraid of the cost at around $150/month and thought I wouldn't be able to afford it. So this time around I decided to take the EMPowerplus in powder form thinking that it would be easier to digest. Instead of taking capsules, I mix the powder with juice or milk. I also searched the Truehope message boards and found that most people said the nausea went away after a while. And you know what? They were right :)

I started taking it about a month ago and am amazed by how well it seems to work. It took a while to get used to the taste and how to mix it without creating lumps though. Really, it was quite disgusting drinking it with chunkies. The first thing I noticed was the anxiety went away. This is anxiety I didn't even know I had! All the time I was thinking 'am I behaving well? Am I too loud? Was that the right thing to do? What if that doesn't work out? How will I fix it? What if she doesn't like me? Did I offend my boss? Am I a good parent? Should I allow that?' and so on. All these phrases and many more would zip through my head all day, every day. Like a constant white noise machine personalized just for me. I noticed this first when I was watching TV and it occurred to me that my mind was completely quiet. The only thing I was hearing was the show with no background noise. It was weird, but good :)

Then I noticed that I don't get nearly as angry as I used to. What would normally have irritated me I was able to just brush off. I could let things go much easier than I used to. S also commented that I was laughing and giggling more than ever. I was finding things to be delightful instead of sharply Great! or Fabulous! Overall I'd have to say I feel calmer and more capable of trusting myself to make decisions that are best for me instead of frantically trying to please everyone around me and hope I'm doing the right thing. I finally feel like I can live my life without an undercurrent of panic and finally relax into who I really am :)


The Hyperlexian Aspie said...

glad to read that the syrpu/slush/shake thing is still working for you!


Natalie said...

Hi there - I just stumbled upon your blog via the Bipolar Planet webring, and I love this entry! I'm a fellow bipolar mom, and have been using Empower as the foundation of my treatment since being diagnosed last year, following a severe mania/psychosis. I have experienced the same peace you describe, in large part due to Empower. I also take a high quality Omega-3 fish oil supplement (DHA/EPA), and use other supports (therapy, meditation, yoga, etc.). So happy to read about another mom on a journey to healing!

Anonymous said...

I've been looking into Truehope for a family member who suffers from bipolar disorder, and while it sounds promising, there's always the anxiety of starting something new. Are you still finding that it helps?

Robin said...

Yes, it still helps quite a lot, I actually feel stable :)