18 April 2011

I will never be on Survivor

I will never be on Survivor partly because I won't ever apply but also because I really don't do well with starvation.

I had to fast for two full days before my enema and I thought it would be pretty easy. I could have consumme, jello, honey, pop, coffee (no milk), water, Gatorade, Powerade and clear juice so I thought it'd be no big deal. I was so very wrong.

Saturday morning was ok until we went food shopping. This was our regularly scheduled big trip to WalMart where I intended to pick up my yummy fasting options. I did that but also salivated over the baked goods and chocolate. S and I got to the till and I caught myself thinking "Ooo, I'll have an Aero bar when we...no. Yum, pretzels, I can have those at...no. Can't I just have...no." I ended up spending the day obsessing about food and counting the hours till bedtime when I could stop thinking about it. My jaw hurt by the end of the day from clenching it to keep me from eating something. I had no idea that thoughts of food were so ingrained into my life that I don't do anything without considering what to eat. If I'm not eating then I'm planning my next meal, what to make, what we have, what's for dessert. It doesn't help that food is readily available to me so I don't even have to think the whole thought. Before Saturday I would just have a kind of constant image or suggestion of thought that kept my mind busy. Saturday I realized how much time I spend thinking about it.

Sunday was different. My body knew there would be no food so instead of panicking about it, my mind starting fantasizing about what my first meal on Monday would be. All kinds of yummy suggestions were there. Some even healthy! Then I took the laxatives.

Oh boy the bloating, cramping and pain that followed was unbelievable. I kept telling myself that it will be over soon, to do the regimen as prescribed so I wouldn't have to do it twice. But oh my was it terrible. I realized after a while I hadn't thought of food at all. I think my brain was occupied by screaming "Will this ever stop!! What if the bloating doesn't go away!! What if the pain gets worse!!!" Luckily, things got moving and things got better, slowly.

After the enema I could have whatever I wanted to eat but strangely I didn't eat anything at all at first. I was busy trying to shake off the feeling of violation and discomfort. When I did finally eat something I surprised myself by having a little cup of yogurt.

It did occur to me that this would be a good time to adjust my eating habits. To change what I eat and how I think about it. To make healthier choices and whatnot. I'm not holding out hope for any of that as I ate the remainder of the back of Big Turk Bites as I typed this out. I think I hear the pretzels calling...

2 comments:

amelia said...

I know there's nothing funny about the whole process but in your post below I was chuckling away and berating myself for chuckling while not being able to help it!! :)
You have a way of writing about the process which makes it funny, to me anyway but maybe I have a sick sense of humour!!
I hope that you are over it now and generally feeling better. I guess the wiating for results will be the next thing...

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