06 March 2015

Roller Coaster

It's been a rough week. Getting fired on Friday was a massive blow to my ego which I didn't quite realize until I started looking for a job. I kept thinking that I don't fit in anywhere, that I'm hard to get along with, that I'm not educated enough, that I don't have enough experience, that I'm too fat/old for jobs. Luckily for me I have Bipolar Disorder so I was also thinking that it's an adventure, meet new people, that I do work well with others by helping make other people's jobs easier wherever I can, that I can interview different companies to find a good fit.

On the rise of the roller coaster S told me he makes enough money for me to stay home and try writing as a career. This was extraordinarily generous of him, I had not been so kind when he was unemployed. I was just getting used to the idea of taking some time off when I did my budget. Nope, no staying home for me. Back to the job hunt I go, but with the knowledge that our lifestyle is comfortable and in order to keep that comfort I must contribute financially. Oddly, I don't really mind. And I'm not willing to give up my comforts.

Another rise is...tax season! Because T was in school and living with us he has tax credits that can be used to lower whatever amount he owes. The computer program calculated the maximum credits he could use before they are useless and reserved the rest. That reserved amount can be transferred to a parent...me! This made my tax refund large enough that we can float on our comfy lifestyle without me earning an income for a little bit. Things will get very uncomfortable for us after that, but I don't feel quite so desperate to get a job.

Then S's aunt died today. Crash. Back down to the deep valleys. She had cancer that started I think in the bile duct but I'm not sure. His family is much less curious about medical stuff compared to my family. Her cancer was found on 01Jan2015 and it was absolutely everywhere. She had to come to my city for tests last week because her insurance wouldn't help otherwise (like WTF?? We're in Canada, but whatever) and she was officially diagnosed as terminal. S and I told work that we might have to leave suddenly as she was only going to be in the city for two days and might be up to visitors. As it turned out they left a day earlier and I did something I've never done before - I texted her husband and asked if there was any way we could see them before they left (they were packing up and leaving within the hour of the text of the diagnosis). I knew this was impolite and an imposition as they had a three hour car ride ahead of them and it was already after 6pm, but we were told it was ok so we hightailed it to the hotel and spent an hour with them. His aunt looked awful - like a skeleton wearing a skin suit that was three sizes too big and a beach ball for a belly. She was also very high, so also comfortable. That was two days before I got fired. Yes, my bosses knew a treasured family member was dying and they still fired me instead of taking that into account with my 'bad attitude'. Asshats.

On a slight upside is that the weather is improving fantastically. Melting snow and dry roads everywhere, so if we are going to the funeral at least the roads won't be treacherous. And my older sister sent me some beautiful polka dotted scarves (sooooo soooooft) and some other polka dotty items to make my day :) I do so love a polka dot. My younger sister has a new baby boy and they are both healthy - which is also one of the better things in life. Things will improve. They always do.

1 comment:

manchester fat acceptance said...

that is quite the roller coaster! i am glad you're finding a way to make things work so you can relax a bit for while.

love,
vicki