Bean's Path

Surgery is done

2012-01-30T10:16:00.001-07:00

I came out of the surgery just fine, thank goodness :) The doctor said there were no complications with it and expected me to heal well. There were two residents assisting with the surgery that I met beforehand and they seemed nice enough. Those two visited me early the next morning to check on the incision before the doctor came by. One of the residents decided to remove the gauze bandage covering the incision by taking hold of a corner and yanking it as hard as possible. I might have screamed, I did grab her wrist and told her it hurt so stop it. She sort of shrugged and ripped off the remaining half. I was in agony.

This was also the time the pain medication had worn off. I had told the nurses I didn't want the codeine and the morphine needle hurt too much so they hadn't given me anything until they could talk to the doctor. At this point I called a nurse over and told her I'd take the morphine just get it to me right now please. She clucked and said she'd see about it, that it was my fault for refusing the codeine. She couldn't just add the codeine back unless a doctor signed off on it, and that the head nurse knew she had to talk to the doctor about it. I started to cry and stared at the clock. Twenty minutes went by and the doctor came in to see me bawling and holding a pillow to the incision. She asked what was wrong and I told her it hurt and I hadn't been given anything and I just wanted something anything please right now. She left looking cross. It was around fifteen minutes later I was given a needle with morphine and the nurse asking me if I'd told the doctor to re-add the codeine. I could barely string a sentence together much less talk to the doctor. The nurse did acknowledge it must have hurt as it'd been 12 hours since my last pain relief. Somehow it got done and I was given morphine at night to sleep and codeine during the day.

I asked S to stay with me in the hospital during the day mostly because I was freaked out and felt I needed someone there with me. He was ok with it and had told his work that this might happen so it wasn't a surprise when he called in. I asked for him again the next day and his work said no, so he quit. When we got home the day after that he called his work and they did admit that they had some warning that he might take those two days off. They agreed to be a bit more understanding in the future so he accepted his job back. That was on Thursday. His next shift was Saturday. He went but felt bad all day, by that night we were both in the bathroom with the stomach flu. Vomiting with an abdominal incision was not an enjoyable experience. Both my boys had it, one the day of my surgery, the other the day I came home. S called in sick for his two shifts on Sunday and Monday. Work called him before his next shift and told him he's basically been demoted or he could leave. He took the demotion but is actively looking for a new job.

My incision is also not healing quite right. All the layers under the skin are sewn together with dissolving stitches, the top layer is held with staples. Two of my staples were not put in correctly and were falling out so they were removed on the second day instead of the fifth day after surgery. Steri strips were put in their place but didn't hold the incision together well. When the rest of the staples were removed on the fifth day the nurse said the incision was open a bit, weeping, but not infected. She replaced the steri strips with new ones and said to dry the wound out as much as possible. When those steri strips came off last Sunday I got a good look at the incision. Instead of it being a fine line there is a thicker part to it that looks raw. Like the inside of your lip. It weeps as well. I'd gone to an ER because I thought it was infected but it turns out it was fine, it's supposed to look raw and weepy. I'm supposed to look for very red areas, inflammation, and yellow pus. That would mean infection. For now everything is ok.

Every day I feel just a tiny bit more like myself.

Surgery Day

2012-01-16T08:41:00.001-07:00

Well, today's the day for my surgery. This day arrived both with the speed of a roaring train and trying to swim through molasses in January at the same time.

During my period last week it occurred to me that this will be the very last one I will ever have. I won't miss it. Really, I won't. Although one of my best memories of my mom is directly related.

When I was 9 or 10 I got my first period. Pads were just being advertised as thin instead of thick bulky things and tampons were widely available. My mom only kept o.b. tampons on hand and that brand had no applicator so I couldn't figure them out and was not going to ask. Besides, parts of me were too small for a tampon at the time. So anyway, my periods were very heavy when I was young and at night I would wear my tightest panties to bed to hold the pad in place. This never worked. Every month at least one night I would have to get up and wash my pajama bottoms in the sink because my pad shifted while I slept. It didn't occur to me to tell anyone about this, instead I just dealt with it and slept in wet, cold jammies. One night my mom got up and asked what I was doing. I told her and showed her. She asked if this happened a lot and I said it did, every month. She nodded and went back to bed. Before my next period my mom took me into the bathroom and showed me what she bought. It was a belt and some very thick pads with long wing-like attachments on the front and back. She explained how to attach the wings to the belt in the front and back and how it would hold the pad right up against my body and stop leaks. And you know what? It did. I didn't have to clean my jammies in the middle of the night ever again.

That was the kindest thing my mom ever did for me and I never forgot how grateful I felt. The lasting result of that action is that I do my best to watch people around me and see if they need something but are afraid to ask, then provide it. Sometimes I get it wrong or miss it altogether. But when I do get it right I see the relief and gratitude in their eyes and nothing beats that feeling of knowing I helped make someone feel that good.

My water heater

2012-01-15T09:08:00.001-07:00

Just before Christmas my landlord bought a new fridge and now we have a new water heater too.

I came home from work on Friday and went downstairs to put in a load of delicates. After I put the stuff in the washer I noticed water on the drain hole and wondered why it would be wet. Did the drain overflow? Nope. No water from the washer to the drain, just on the side of the drain next to the carpet. Yes, I have a scrap piece of carpet another tenant had left covering the cement basement floor :) I stepped back onto the carpet and it was unpleasantly squishy. Since the carpet isn't held down by anything I could easily flip it back to see why it would be wet and found a huge path of wet carpet leading to the water heater. Further investigation revealed a puddle under the heater. Then I called the landlord.

The new heater was installed yesterday which was nice. I was kind of expecting to have to wait and just sop up the mess every now and again. The old heater had to be drained so it could be removed so the plumber attached a hose to it and fed it into the floor drain. The water that came out at the beginning was brown. Ugh. I guess the heater had rusted through the bottom or something and was drawing dirty water into the pipes. How did I not notice, you ask? I did, actually, but I didn't know it was the heater.

My upstairs bathtub and tiling was getting a yellow buildup which I thought was from J smoking. Not smoking in the bathroom, but washing the old nicotine off his body. And my Ex had a kind of yellow sweat (I know, gross) so I thought one or both of the boys inherited that. I started to think something was wrong with the hot water only recently when I took a bath. After the bubbles melted away I noticed how brownish the water was. I thought it was because I was dirtier than I thought after working. Maybe too much cocoa on my skin or something, but it didn't quite ring true. Then S took a bath and I saw again how dirty the bath water was. I started to wonder if it was possible that something was wrong with the heater or the pipes but didn't want to bother the landlord quite yet. He'd just bought the fridge and with my surgery coming up it felt like too much hassle to try to diagnose a problem. The old heater leaking solved that problem for me :)

After the new water heater was installed I had to keep the hot water tap in the kitchen open to drain all the air out of the line. The glass on the left holds the ick that came out. The glass on the right is from the new heater after the lines cleared. I'd been cooking with that :( And doing laundry. And bathing. Gross. S has been complaining about itchy skin...I wonder if the dirty water was the problem.

Pine tree

2012-01-04T17:41:00.002-07:00

I have this pine tree outside in my front yard that I've never really liked. Off all the different kinds of trees I find pine to be the ones I like the least. However, this is not my house. It is my landlord's house and I figured if there was a tree in the front yard then it was there for a reason.

S and I were shopping at Walmart recently and we ran into our landlords. While the wife looked pretty much with it for someone her age, her husband took a few minutes to recognize me. They are old, they were old when I moved into the house 13 years ago, and now I think age is catching up and leaving him to be a shell of his former self.

Once he remembered who we were he asked how the house was doing. He wished he could visit more often but just couldn't get to it. I told him everything was fine then remembered the fridge. The fridge was old when I moved in and had recently began producing mold in earnest. The compressor in both the freezer and cooler portions were going, causing items to freeze to the inside of the freezer and water to pool under the crisper drawers. I knew from my mom's old fridge that there wasn't much life left. The landlord thought it would be easier to simply replace it now rather than wait, so he did. We have a new fridge now :)

During our mini-visit crowding the aisle of candy at Walmart I also mentioned the tree out front. I told him how I disliked pine trees and that one day he may drive by and it won't be there. He didn't seem too bothered by that. Another tenant put it there, not him, he said. Thus began my plan to chop down the tree.

The timing was excellent as well. The waste management team picks up Christmas trees if they are left outside by a certain date in January. I figured if I could get the tree chopped down and leave the boughs near the garbage, they would be picked up with the Christmas trees.

So I went outside. It's a balmy 8C right now so I could build up a sweat and not freeze to death. I slipped on the leather working gloves S bought at the beginning of gardening season, got the hatchet from the car and made my way to the tree. The tree looks smaller from inside the house. When I got up to it I found it was about 6 or 7 feet tall. I really should have done this years ago. I grabbed one bough, bent it down and started hacking away. I discovered very quickly that this was harder than I thought.

I know I've put on a bit of weight in the last two weeks. I haven't been working because it's shutdown and I always get a big poochy during this time. I also know I'm a bit weaker as I'm not lifting heavy bags all day. But I had no idea that I was this weak. I was only able to chop down two small boughs before feeling like my muscles were made of rubber. I simply could not conjure up enough energy to even consider chopping any more. I blame the fibroids for this. I used to have so much energy, now I'm profoundly exhausted after a day of work and am unable to physically do the things I used to do. I'm hoping the hysterectomy on 16Jan corrects this problem.

Since there is no way I can get this tree down myself, I asked J if he would do it. More accurately, I offered to pay him to do it. He is always looking for ways to earn money and I am always left finding jobs worth the amounts he wants. When I asked him if he would chop the pine tree down, his response was "what pine tree?". It wasn't until he looked outside and saw it that he remembered we have a pine tree in the front yard. And he did indeed chop it down...for double the price I offered :) He then convinced his brother T to move all the boughs to the garbage area for 1/4 of what I paid him. Now the only thing left is to have a stump removal company to come by and get rid of the stump.

Merry Christmas, Season's Greetings, Happy Holidays

2011-12-24T08:06:00.002-07:00

Christmas music is being played constantly this time of year. No matter where I go I'm subjected to various styles of carols and differing volumes. Jazz, popular music, choirs, Golden Era, and instrumental carols piped into every sound system in every place I've been for the month of December. I find none of them inspiring or uplifting. I do my best not to listen to them or hear them at the best of times. At the worst of times I imagine myself finding the source of the 'music' and ripping it from the power outlet, smashing the stereo to bits with all my Grinchy strength. Obviously, I avoid malls during the Grinchy periods.

There is only one carol that renders me speechless when done well. The Canadian Tenors recorded O Holy Night and it is the only one that fills me with peace, joy and comfort. For your listening pleasure here is their version of the carol:

Just because I can't get enough of their fantastic voices, I give you their version of Halleluja by Leonard Cohen as well (advance to 0.41 to avoid the intro):

Please have a safe holiday season everyone.

Party season

2011-12-10T10:25:00.001-07:00

'Tis the season of the Christmas party, or Holiday party, however you like. At every place I've worked and every place my ex worked and every place my man S worked there has been a Christmas party. This party has been company wide and usually involves dressing up, dinner, music and door prizes. Normally it's held when the maximum number of people can attend, keeping in mind that some places are 24/7/365 and not everyone will be available in that case. The party has always been a good time to meet the other departments, owners, spouses and generally rub elbows with people you otherwise may not.

I work in a smallish cake factory. There are about 25 employees on hourly wage (union) that make up the production floor, and about 16 salary employees (non-union) that are partly administration and partly production floor bosses. The production floor party is usually a lunch that's brought in by Purchaser and paid for by the company. Usually this lunch is either pizza or Chinese food. We are given an hour and a half of paid time to eat the food and it's usually about mid-day. Last year the Line Supervisor (who has since quit) didn't allow the production line to stop mid way through the run to have our lunch. So the whole production floor had to wait almost an hour while the food cooled in the lunch room. Chinese food is good cold the next day, but not lukewarm on the day of purchase. It was yucky but I was thankful anyway. At least we got a free meal, is the way I thought of it. I am less thankful now that I have some additional details to consider.

Like, the salary staff has a separate party. No problem, if it's also a meal brought in. But it's not. They have had parties that include private showings of plays, private dining rooms, open bar, comedy acts brought in, and all taking place after work hours. The inequality of this situation bothers me quite a bit. I knew that Previous Owner thought of the production staff as slaves (literally, she's from South Africa and is comfortable with the idea of being an owner of people), and would think that we would be grateful for the smallest showing of affection or consideration. We should be grateful for our cold, cheap food while she and her Proper Staff have a gourmet meal. I really thought this attitude would leave when she left the company...but it didn't.

Bakery Manager is a new position held by our previous Baker. It is a salaried position instead of a union position and the man is well deserving of the title. He'd been doing the job anyway so it's good he is now receiving the pay bump and title. Now that he is salary, he mentioned he has been invited to the salary staff party. So the dual holiday parties still exist. This bothers me. And to compound this bother is the idea that the production lunch will be held on 22 December.

Who cares? That's a Thursday, so what? Well, the last day of baking will be on 21 Dec, so the Baker and Baker Helper will begin cleaning their area and should be done by the end of their shift. The Prep ladies, Cooking and me in Scaling all work one day ahead of the rest of the plant. So our jobs will be done by 20 Dec and we will start cleaning on that day. As soon as our area is properly cleaned our Shutdown begins. So while the production line people will still be in the plant on 22 Dec, most likely finishing up the last of the cakes and then beginning their cleaning duties, the rest of us will have already begun our Shutdown time and will be off until January. Why would we bother to return to work for a free lunch?

In previous years the lunch was held so that the maximum number of people could attend. Why oh why isn't that the case this year? I asked and was told that not everybody could be accommodated. I know that, but it did occur to me that if we all had a party on a Saturday night every single employee in the building would have the opportunity to attend. We could all enjoy a gourmet meal, a play, a dance, some drinks. It's too late this year to try to get this changed and for all I know, everyone else is happy with the status quo. One thing I may try to change is the lunch on 22 Dec though. If they want the maximum number of people to attend then have a breakfast brought in. The end of the baking staff shift overlaps with the beginning of the production line shift. Not everyone would be there (night and afternoon cleaners, for instance), but it would be the majority of people.

Books, books, books

2011-12-02T15:20:00.001-07:00

I always have a book handy. Usually I even have one or two extra waiting in the wings while I'm busy reading one. A lot of books don't really stand out and sometimes I'll finish a book simply because I have nothing else to read. But the following three were excellent because the style of writing immediately drew me in and the story line kept me going.

First, Robopocalypse by Daniel H. Wilson. I haven't been reading a lot of science fiction or fantasy lately but this one looked good for reasons I can't explain. The book is about a war between robots and humans after robots gain consciousness and awareness. It doesn't explain how robots came to be in the daily lives of the characters, or even go into detail about each robot's function in society. Instead it's written like robots are an accepted fact of life and brief descriptions of their purposes are given for the reader when needed. I liked that. The book focused on the information recorded by a computer/robot on the development of the war from step one. This was fantastic to me because I am aware that history is frequently written by the winners so the records can be a bit skewed. This soldier found a memory storage of the entire war, seen from the impartial eye of the computer. Just the facts. The soldier's retelling and compiling of the information add the emotion. Excellent read. I can see this as a movie.

Second, The Leftovers by Tom Perrotta. How would you react if the Rapture happened and you were left behind? This book is told primarily from the point of view of a family of four (parents and two teens) that were all left behind after a Rapture-like event. 'Rapture-like' because it wasn't only one religious faction that was chosen to disappear suddenly. Instead it was all walks of life, all ages, all religious beliefs that suddenly vanished all at the same time. The story takes place about three years after the event when normalcy is essentially returned. No explanation of what the event was, why some vanished and why some were left behind is given. It reminded me a bit of what it's like to have someone close to you die suddenly, and provided some insight on what it would be like if someone I knew or loved simply went missing. Fantastic read.

Third, Ready Player One by Ernest Cline. Again, science fiction. This book is for all those computer game lovers out there. It takes place in 2045 when OASIS is a common and widely used virtual reality interface. Even the poorest people have the goggles and haptic gloves to access OASIS and it's free, free, free. The school system even set up a virtual planet of schools for children to attend, if you can imagine. The founder of OASIS dies and leaves a puzzle open to the public where the winner inherits ultimate control of OASIS and 240 billion dollars. The three keys to the puzzle are in the form of Easter eggs found in video games that can be played and accessed in OASIS. All the gunters (egg hunters) have to do is find the keys, unlock the doors and find the final egg. Many, many, many of the games I was aware of before reading the book so it was really neat to read about how the characters study them to find the keys. A lot of attention to detail regarding computer games was put into this book and it's relayed in a way that didn't make me feel lost if I'd never heard of the game. This was a book that I read obsessively, identifying with the main character even though I don't play computer games of that variety. Again, this would make a great movie.

And now to read some more books...

Legal limit

2011-11-26T09:49:00.001-07:00

Someone at work told me that the Alberta government was thinking of lowering the blood alcohol limit from 0.08 to 0.05. My first reaction was "good" but hers surprised me a bit. She said that it meant that you could no longer go out for dinner with your spouse and share a bottle of wine. She believed it would put bars out of business because people could no longer just go and be sociable drinkers. In her opinion it was the chronic drinkers or the truly drunk that are causing deaths and accidents and to lump 'those' people with the light drinkers was insulting. Target the teens drinkers, she said, target the falling down drunks that don't know when to stop. But don't treat her like a criminal like them just because she had some wine with dinner.

About a day later I saw an opinion letter in the newspaper that shared her point of view. The author of the letter was saying the government is taking away his right to drink a little bit here and there and the focus should be on the heavy drinkers that are causing deaths. How dare the government decide whether he can go out for a few beers with friends after work or not, was his position. Keep after the people that shouldn't be behind the wheel after drinking, but not him because he's only had a few.

Now wait a minute. I have a couple of things to say to all that. First is that you can get a cab if you plan on going out for dinner and sharing a bottle of wine or having some spirits. When I told my coworker this, she responded with 'cabs are too expensive, then you have to choose between the cab fare and the drinks'. Well, no, you don't I'd said. You can have both, just build it into the cost of your date. Just like you would factor in babysitting costs if you have small children. Cabs are available after work too, Author of Letter. You can actually call or even text a cab from the bar and they will get you home. Too expensive still? Take a bus.

Second is that while people with high BAC (blood alcohol concentration) are the primary contributors to fatal car crashes, people with lower BAC comprise a large group of drinking drivers and impairment actually begins as low as 0.02. So even though you may not actually kill another person, your judgement is still compromised and you may not be able to make the necessary course corrections as quickly to avoid a crash.

Third is the idea that the very first part of your brain affected by alcohol is self assessment. So you think you are ok to drive, but are you really? If the part of your brain that lets you know that you are ok is disengaged, can you trust what you tell yourself?

And fourth, I can accept that drinking is a right that is given at the ripe old age of 18 (in Alberta), just like voting. This is a right that cannot be taken away from you by someone else. It is your choice to drink alcohol and it is your right to make that choice. Driving, however, is a privilege, not a right. You must pass an exam that indicates you know the rules of the road and accept responsibility for the operation of this large piece of machinery. Part of that responsibility is not getting behind the wheel if you are under the influence of something that impairs your judgement and ability to properly handle the vehicle.

So just quit yer bitchin' people, your right to drink does not include the privilege of driving afterwards.

One for the Money

2011-11-21T13:34:00.001-07:00

WooHoo! A movie has been made based on one of my favorite 'fluff' books :) I love this series by Janet Evanovich and always thought it would do well as a movie. Seriously, Grandma Mazur (shooting the turkey in the trailer) and Lula (African American 'ho) are freaking hilarious.

Tidbits

2011-11-14T16:09:00.001-07:00

We finally had our first snowfall on 12Nov setting a record for the longest wait for first snow. Even though it sometimes melts away, we usually have snow by October.

I'm worried that the Morden Sunrise won't make it through the winter. The leaves didn't even change color much less fall off. Same for my new lilac bush with the dual colored flowers. Both plants had beautiful, healthy green leaves right through the killing frost. And both plants should have shed their leaves for winter. I think.

T has his driver's licence now. He took the classes over the summer and got the licence a couple of weeks ago. He's a very good driver, I am not a very good passenger. I like control and to give up control and allow someone to drive me around was really difficult. When T started practicing his driving I made it clear that my grumpiness had more to do with my control issues than his driving. Surprisingly, as soon as I told T that I was less grumpy and controlling. J wants his licence but has no patience to review the manual to write the test.

For the first time in a decade I had to pay for my music instead of downloading it. I wanted a specific version of the song Mony Mony and it just wasn't available anyfreakingwhere on the Internet. Very frustrating.

Yesterday I drove by the youth emergency shelter here in my city and they had a sign saying they need socks. Zellers had a sale on socks. The shelter now has 56 new pairs of plain white crew socks.

It occurred to me that I haven't planned a meal since my mom died almost a year ago. Right before she died I went through all my recipes and created a two week meal plan. I was in the process of making one of the meals when I got a knock at the door. It was the police notifying me of my mom's death.

Another symptom of fibroids that I didn't know about is the feeling that my uterus is filling up faster than it can drain during my monthlies. I can't even describe how horrendous this feels.

My mom died almost a year ago and her estate still isn't settled. Her pension is taking their sweet time in paying out. I would love the closure of having everything wrapped up and finished.

Glass Ceiling

2011-11-12T14:31:00.001-07:00

I thought I wrote about the database program I suggested at work. Back in April there was a meeting about how to implement a bar code system at work to help in the event of a recall. When I found out about the meeting I basically cornered the guy in charge and told him what I thought would work best. As a result, I was invited to the meeting.

The plan, according to the representative from the bar code company, was to have each individual item coded with a different bar code. Each bag of sugar would be coded individually so that one bag could be tracked to the final product. I didn't think this plan would work as it doesn't really matter where the fourth bag of sugar three rows from the top on the pallet ended up. Instead we need to be concerned with lot codes. If the sugar company sends us a recall on a specific lot code, we need to be able to figure out where that lot code of sugar was used. I was able to clearly state, step by step, how this database of lot codes could be created even though I have no knowledge of how to set up or maintain a database. I even mentioned that other parts of our computer system could be tied to the lot code program, things like inventory and recipe component sheets. I was told that I came across as very intelligent and well informed. That was the last I heard about the program.

After this meeting I decided that if I were to go to school I would go to be a Database Administrator. I was planning on going in the fall term part time but the fibroids make it too difficult to be away from a bathroom longer than an hour. S pointed out that after the surgery I won't be able to lift anything but I will be able to sit in a computer lab and get my certificate. So I planned on going to school in the winter term and then approaching my bosses about having me build and maintain the database for lot codes.

Over the last few weeks I've gone to Accountant to ask a few questions about the database program, basically feeling him out on whether or not the company will bother to spend the money to get it up and running. Accountant wasn't at the original meeting so each time I spoke to him I would somehow manage to mention that the program was my idea. Not once has he acknowledged that I was the one that came up with the plan, even though it sounds like they are using the system I suggested. I felt like I was trying to scream through a glass ceiling. I felt like the bosses can see me, hear my ideas, use my ideas, but not credit me for the ideas.

Accountant had mentioned not too long ago that the company was going to develop the program soon, even though it was expensive. I went to see him to get a firmer timeline hoping it would be in about six months to a year. Long enough for me to take the courses at the technical institute. Accountant said the guy who will be in charge of the program will be starting late this month or early December. He will shadow all the departments to get an idea of how to write the program. I was crushed. I want to do it. I even broached the subject of taking the courses and how I'd be interested in at least maintaining the database. Accountant appeared to be deaf to everything I had to say about it.

Never in my life have I felt so ignored by my boss. Ok, I've never had any plan to advance anywhere in any company. Here I thought I'd have the opportunity to carve out a niche for myself at the company doing something I would genuinely love to do. I didn't even take into consideration that I wouldn't be given the opportunity.

I still plan on going to school and getting the certificate. If the company I work for won't consider me for the position as an in-house Database Administrator instead using someone on a contract basis, then I guess I'll eventually have to find work somewhere else. As I heard on CSI this week: "Sometimes you have to move out to move up."

Research, research, research

2011-10-30T16:29:00.000-06:00

As I mentioned before, my doctor agreed to performing a hysterectomy because I have fibroids. There really isn't any other successful treatment for fibroids except to control the symptoms. For instance, pills can be given to help with the heavy flow of the period (these pills have side effects, of course) or birth control pills can be used to reduce the severity of the period. Surgery can be performed to get rid of only the fibroids but then they just grow back. Fibroids can be shrunken using drugs, but they grow as soon as the drugs are discontinued.

While considering the hysterectomy I decided I would also get my estrogen, progesterone and testosterone levels checked in anticipation of hormone replacement surgery in case my ovaries are removed as well. What better time to check the levels of these hormones than when they are still being naturally produced in my body. My sister pointed out that hormone replacement therapy (hrt) can cause breast cancer and I'd be at a higher risk of cancer because she has hormone positive breast cancer. So research was needed here.

When I talked to my doctor, she said the risks of hysterectomy include death, damage to my bladder because of the c-section scar, damage to surrounding organs and blood clots. I was told the recovery time is about 6-8 weeks. Armed with this info I went to my boss and let him know I'd be off work and started the process of receiving short term disability for the duration. One coworker who had a hysterectomy recently said she took three months off work and felt like an 80 year old when she returned. I suspect I'd have to extend my recovery time as I have a huge amount of heavy lifting in my job and my coworker didn't.

Anyway. I finally sat in front of the computer to do some research on hrt and breast cancer links so I could make a more informed decision when I encountered the HERS Foundation website. This website information frightened me enough to dig a little deeper on some of the other side effects to a hysterectomy.

This site reported that the uterus is held in place by ligaments connected to the inside of the pelvis (I had no idea) and these ligaments are severed during surgery, along with nerve bundles that connect to the clitoris, labia, vagina and nipples. Hmmmm. Also reported was the surgical shortening of the vagina when the cervix is removed with the uterus. Hmmmmmm. Now I'm a bit suspicious that this is the best course of action for me. I really like my nerve bundles just the way they are. Severing them might result in me not having the quality of life I would like.

So right now I'm considering going back on birth control pills to lessen the effects of the fibroids. After all, I didn't even know I had them until I went off the Pill and my periods became increasingly heavy and painful. I was on one of the highest doses of the Pill for over 20 years with short breaks to get pregnant with my two boys. I stopped taking the Pill only because I get migraines with my period and according to the doctor this kind of migraine increases my risk of strokes. Actually, I was told the migraines were a result of having a sudden drop in estrogen which is caused by the Pill. So if I took a Pill that didn't have a sudden drop in estrogen (three weeks on, one week off the Pill), like a continuous Pill (three months on, one week off, or 365 days on), you'd think that would alleviate the migraines, right?

Maybe I'll just set up another appointment with the doctor to get better information on all this. For all I know, I'm massively overthinking the whole damn thing.

Baby factory: closed

2011-10-23T13:14:00.000-06:00

Well, it's been decided. I'll be having a hysterectomy this January because of the fibroids. I got in to see the gynecologist a few months early (I got someone's cancellation appointment) and she said the fibroids weren't too big yet. But when she checked the size of my uterus she said it was too big for the measurements she was given. So she said to come back in a few months after having a second ultrasound to check the growth of the tumors. If they grew then surgery would be more of an option but she wasn't convinced then that surgery was necessary - the benefits didn't outweigh the risks she thought.

I had the second ultrasound and went back to the gynecologist last week. The fibroids hadn't grown much but I told her that my period was like having someone turn on a faucet from my uterus. I want to go to school for Database Analyst but can't imagine sitting in a classroom and having to leave every 45 minutes or so to clean up. And when I would get to the washroom and sit down, it was just pouring out of me :( TMI? Sorry, but true. There is a lot of heavy lifting I do at work which just makes the flow worse, if that's even possible. The pain was becoming intense as well. I told the doctor that I was seeing black spots at work and realized I was holding my breath through the pain after taking both Midol and Advil. She asked me then if I'd like surgery. Um, yeah, that was my original thinking on the matter.

She booked the surgery for 16Jan2012 which surprised me. Everyone around was telling me that the wait was a minimum of 12 months. Either mine is more urgent or the doctor had the time to fill, either way it'll be done way sooner than I had planned.

Now that I know the date I went to my boss and told him that I'd be off for about six weeks and why. He was thrown for a bit of a loop because I don't take time off work even for holidays and nobody is really trained for my job. Ok, there's one woman but she's slow and lazy, more of an emergency filler for me when necessary. I told my boss that I would train whoever he chose whenever he chose. Two other women at work had surgery - one hysterectomy one double hip replacement - and both went on short term disability for the recovery time. After talking to my boss I went to the CFO and requested the forms so I could get everything ready. I'd rather have it set up to begin when I'm off instead of having the claim back dated.

The woman at work who had the hysterectomy said six weeks is ridiculous. She ended up taking three months off and felt like an 80 year old woman when she returned to work. I had a feeling that might be the case. I had a C-section with my first son and remember the overwhelming exhaustion that followed. I remember almost crying at the thought of going up two shallow steps to get into my house, my legs simply couldn't use stairs. I remember the agony of every cough, sneeze and laugh, how it felt like I was being torn in two. I remember being aware for the very first time how much your stomach muscles are used in everyday tasks. I remember it took me a year to get back up to the walking speed I was at before the surgery.

The thought of the doctor going in through my C-section scar hurts already. The hysterectomy can't be done vaginally as the uterus is too big so she'll have to go through the stomach. I ache at the very idea of it. As much as I want the surgery, I would rather skip the recovery time. At least I have the motivation to get more exercise before the surgery and do what I can to work out the stomach muscles. The healthier I am going into the surgery the better it will be during recovery. Hopefully.

My dirty, dirty house

2011-10-15T13:12:00.000-06:00

I'm pretty sure sometimes that I live in a frat house. There are clumps of dirty clothes mixed with supposedly clean clothes strewn across the floors of some rooms. Drips of late night dinner and snacks found on the kitchen floor, counter, table, stove and microwave. Sticky handles on almost every cupboard as well as the fridge and microwave. Both toilets have bases that exhibit signs of 'misses'. Dishes that are growing new and interesting forms of mold can be found on many surfaces, hidden and obvious. And not a single clean water mug is available except the one I use and wash daily. It's starting to drive me bonkers.

I tried to train my boys to do housework, really I did. My mom had my sisters and I do Saturday jobs which involved cleaning and I wanted my boys to do the same. When they were just wee ones and wanted to help out I gave them rags and showed them how to clean. Every day they had to put their toys away to learn that everything has a place or home. For extra money I would have them clean the bathtub, stove top, vacuum or dust. And they learned how to clean a kitchen floor properly - on your hands and knees - after spraying Pledge all over it while I was at work one day.

The two biggest problems I faced with chores were my Bipolar Disorder, undiagnosed at the time, and an Ex that thought only women did housework. Ex was quick to tell me when something was dirty and that I should clean it, but slow to do it his damn self. BD made it difficult to follow up on any plans I made. Oh how I could come up with schedules and chores and lists and activities but then have no energy to make sure these things got done and would let them slide. Until the next Great Idea of how to involve them in cleaning followed by the inevitable overwhelmed feeling of the imminent crash.

Now that I'm much more stable and have removed Ex from the house you'd think that I would have the boys participate in keeping the environment neat and tidy. This is not the case. Now I work full time and am tired and sore when I get home. I have become lazy in my cleaning and wait until I'm thoroughly disgusted with something before making any move to restore it to gleaming goodness. Unfortunately everyone else in the house has a much higher tolerance for grime than I do, so they simply wait until I can't stand it any more and I clean it up.

To make my chores easier for me and potentially anyone else I bought a Swiffer Wet Jet and 360 Duster. Practically as soon as I got home I tried my new Wet Jet on the kitchen floor and was pleased with the result. I felt like a 50's housewife mopping the floor with my newfangled mop and cup of coffee, except I was in sweats instead of a skirt and slippers instead of heels. I'd've taken photos but I had to use the batteries for the camera for the Swiffer. Batteries on a mop? Who knew? The floor looks much better and was very easy to use but will never replace the good old fashioned hands and knees method. The Duster was next in the living room. It did indeed pick up a disgusting amount of dust without too much flying into the air. I couldn't help it though - I was singing 'What About Love?' in my head while dusting and imagining I was picking up little Steve Carrells :) Creepy? Maybe.

Now somehow I need to work on the other members of the house to use the Swiffers. Maybe even pick up a vacuum or do dishes voluntarily and without complaint. Perhaps take it upon themselves to scrub the tub, wipe down the top of the stove or clean the toilets. What? World peace would be easier? Hrumph.

Worst dining experience. Ever.

2011-10-09T14:33:00.000-06:00

S and I like to go out to eat on a fairly regular basis. It's been a treat in my past and somehow I've made it more commonplace lately. On Friday night we decided the salad and bread sticks of Olive Garden were top of the list of things we'd like to eat so we headed out to the nearest location.

We got there by about 6:45 pm and were told it's about an hour wait for a table for two. And actually, every time I go to Olive Garden there's a wait. I even met a friend for lunch there right when it opened at 11 am and was told it was a 15 minute wait. Really? You can't seat me and take my beverage order in this completely empty restaurant? Anyway, we decided to wait for dinner. I didn't check the clock, but I don't think we ended up waiting the entire hour. We sat in the lobby - which occurs to me should be larger if waiting for a table is a requirement to eating there. I watched people come and go, noting there was a baby in the lounge, one in the lobby, and a family of six across from us. The family of six had two boys about eight and ten years old, one playing on an iPad. The baby in the lounge bothered me. When did it become ok to have minors in the bar area? Yes, it was a baby, but my Ex and I were denied entry to a wine tasting event when T was an infant. No exception was made there (I thought they'd allow it as he was an infant and not likely to consume alcohol, I was wrong, no minors allowed at all) so when did it become acceptable for babies to be in bars?

We were finally seated right next to the kitchen against the wall. I didn't mind too much, I was hungry and it's not like you can actually see into the kitchen. In the middle of the floor was a large table of about ten people. One was a baby in a high chair, one was a little girl about five years old. The baby was reasonably well behaved but the five year old got up from her seat and ran around a lot. At one point she lifted her skirt over her head for reasons only little girls know. She also came over to our table and stared at us for a bit. I began talking to S about how North Americans view pornography as forbidden unlike some other cultures in hopes the girl's parents might call her away from our table. The adults at that table didn't notice, didn't discipline the girl for anything and in fact took no notice of her running around getting in the wait staff's way.

And by the way, when did it become forbidden to tell the parents to keep their children in their seats? It's a danger to the staff with heavy trays to have little ones running around. I also find it incredibly rude to have a child staring at me, coughing on me, leaning over the seat staring at me, or generally doing anything other than sitting in their seats.

Moving along. The family of six was seated on the other side of the kitchen entry. I could see the ten year old boy whipping his chair around in circles. It had well lubed wheels I suppose. It became a nuisance when the boy started to whip his chair away from the table. The mother did eventually stop him...after a waiter or two almost got smacked by the chair.

Because we were near the kitchen entrance we had a lot of foot traffic by wait staff. At one point a waitress and a cook had a bit of an argument. The cook saying he'd take care of it, loudly, and mouthed 'f*cking bitch' when he turned away. I may be a bit of a stick-in-the-mud but I don't like to see that kind of thing among the staff. Keep it private, please.

All this was happening throughout the evening. The waitress came by for our drink orders and we found we could barely hear her over the noise of the children at the neighboring table and general din of diners. By the time our drinks arrived we knew what we would order. When I asked for my apricot chicken, she asked "soup or salad?" I was a bit confused, the entrees come with salad and bread sticks, why would I want soup or salad with the meal? I told her the side salad was too much food with the entree and salad and bread sticks so skip the side salad. S ordered a skewer dish and mussels to start, also saying skip the side salad.

There began our wait. By this time I was hungry enough to lick the menu and getting irritated enough to want to instruct the little girl to sit the f*ck down. The mussels were brought to the table...no salad and bread sticks. The waitress passed by a minute later and asked if everything was ok. I told her no, I'd like my salad and bread sticks please. "But you said you didn't want them" she replied. Wait. So when she offered soup or salad that meant the free appetizer with entree and not side dish? Yep. Cleared up, salad arrived, bread sticks in the oven. Bread sticks eventually arrived, warm but pale and not golden brown. Then the meal came.

Both entrees looked attractive, my chicken of good proportions but looking a bit dry. Tasted it, yep, dry but not inedible. My broccoli was undercooked for my personal taste and the asparagus a bit overcooked and droopy. But ok compared to S's plate. S had skewers of both steak and chicken with potatoes and veggies. I asked him for a bite of the steak because I couldn't imagine a rosemary sauce on steak. It tasted...meaty. I like steak but I don't like beef as leftovers or too close to the expiration date. It just tastes too gamy for my palate. I didn't want to imagine why this steak was gamy tasting and passed it off as the sauce. Then S pulled his chicken off the skewer and saw it was raw. Not slightly undercooked, actually raw more than half way through. The other chicken bits looked ok from where I was sitting. So how did only one piece get cooked only on one side? Ick. We ate a bit, but not much.

The manager was making rounds asking if people's meals were good and came to our table. He looked down and said he saw the raw chicken and was disgusted by it. He said that was unacceptable and would take care of our meal. He looked at my mostly uneaten food and asked after it. I told him I wasn't really hungry, which was true by then. He asked if I was repulsed by this and indicated the raw chicken. I laughed and said, yeah, kinda. He said he'd take care of my meal as well.

I decided I would doggie bagged my meal mostly to take the remaining two bread sticks that we didn't eat. The waitress came by with the plastic clamshell and scraped my plate into it. I understand there's no real attractive way to doggie bag food but I don't think I liked seeing it happen. It reminded me of scraping food into the garbage. Before she could close it I tucked the bread sticks in. The waitress did not look impressed. From what I know, the restaurant can't re-plate food that's been delivered to a table. So if I don't eat the bread sticks they can't just put them in a new basket and give them to someone else...can they? So there's no harm in bringing them home with my entree...is there?

When the bill arrived the entrees were credited and I gave the waitress a tip based on the new total, not old. She did not look impressed and stomped off. Now why would I tip her more? No drinks were refilled, the raw chicken sat out in the open as she walked by several times before the manager came by, she didn't check if our food was ok after a few bites, and I could barely hear her say anything at all.

I don't want to eat at Olive Garden any more :(

Lingerie Football

2011-10-02T13:19:00.000-06:00

I remember standing in my kitchen at 12 years old in 1982 when my dad said "Women are considered people now, they are equal to men". I was floored! My response was something like "What? Of course we are equal. Women are people too!" I had no conception that women would be any less than men or that the government didn't consider women to be equal. I assumed that when the word 'man' was used it meant 'human' and not 'penis-only'. My dad was referring to the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms that was amended at the time to include equality of the sexes. I was not impressed that it took the government that long to consider women equal.

Fast forward almost thirty years. It is now 2011 and while I still see some struggle in our society, I also see a lot of equality. I very rarely feel put down for having ovaries and when I do it's usually with older men. The discrimination exists as does the condensation towards women and I am usually able to attribute it to less evolved men with closed minds. I simply stay away from them or limit my contact with them, which is surprisingly easy to do. The more enlightened men far outweigh the narrow minded men in my little corner of the world.

So I ask you, WTF is this lingerie football sh*t!?!??

Women have come a long way and I feel like we are being sexualized and debased by this league. Oh yes, there is a league for this sport. Apparently it started as a half time show during the Super Bowl in the USA and evolved into a league in 2009. And now Canada has teams and my city will have a team in the 2012 season. I am personally disgusted by this announcement.

At first I thought that it was the only way for women to play football in a league but I was wrong. I did a bit of research this morning and found that my Province has a Women's Footy League which is Australian Football (aka rugby) and we have a Women's Football League in Canada that plays tackle football just like our male counterparts. Just to be sure I checked and the USA also has a Women's Football League that plays tackle football as well. So it's not like women don't have an outlet to play the game professionally.

I have no doubt that there is a following for this fantasy football. The leagues will make a lot of money on ticket sales and merchandise, to say nothing of the porn industry and what they will do to boost viewership. I'm sure the women aren't playing on the teams against their will or are in any way misled into joining. But it does take away from the legitimacy of women's football by having teams that play in skimpy undies. What a degrading leap backwards this semi-porn league has made for women overall.

All of this leads me back to equality. If women play in their tiny lacy underwear on a professional team, where are the men's teams playing in their skin tight underwear? Don't even try telling me that there won't be a market for it. I'm sure there are lots of women and homosexual men who would like to see men running around with clearly defined bottoms. Oh and guys? If you do set up a fantasy football team of men please be sure to consider whether each teammate is a 'grower' or 'shower'. If you fall into the former category please augment with carefully placed padding in your underwear. After all, I'd be paying to see the the definition of all your muscles in clingy, spandex/cotton low rider underwear, so make it worth my while. Women do it for men with padded bras and boob jobs, the same consideration should be taken for men on these teams.

Fall

2011-10-01T09:00:00.000-06:00

Fall is here in all of it's glory. I used to dislike the season because it felt like an ending to all the fun and freedom of summer. Recently I've come to admit to myself that summer was never really much fun and I'd rather be learning or expanding my brain than lying around the house all day with no plans. Keep in mind I had very few friends growing up so summers did not mean more time to socialize. Also I've learned that I much prefer routines to unending free time.

Some of the best things about fall -

- the crunch of dry leaves under my feet...or under the tires of my car. Last weekend S and I went out for breakfast early enough that most people weren't out but late enough that the sun was up and warm. The leaves had begun to really fall off the trees and form leaf puddles on the roads. Not many people had been driving so the leaves hadn't been crushed yet so I swerved my car (safely) into the puddles to hear all the crunching under the tires.

- the smell of the leaves on a warm fall day. This year we were treated to some very warm weather after the leaves had begun their change. The sun changed the rot of the leaves just a bit making them much more fragrant to me. I could even tell the difference between the elms and the sweet scent of birches if I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. What was intoxicating was walking in the Ravine and catching the smell of damp earth from the creek bed mixed with warm birch leaves and someone's wood fire. I had to stop in my tracks, close my eyes, and just take in as much of the scent as I could. Muscles I didn't even know were tense loosened up in my neck. Fantastic.

- slight chill in the air. We live so far north that the frost builds up in the earth pretty fast. Once the ground begins to chill the ambient air temperature drops a bit and doesn't heat up as much. After the suffocating heat of summer it's a relief to have air that is a bit cooler. It feels fresher and easier to breathe than the stagnant summer heated air. Invigorating is the word I'm looking for I think.

- warmer clothes. Yes, it's nice to need a light jacket, long sleeves, jeans or socks again. Pleasant to add a layer of clothes to create a personal pocket of warmth. Good to wear clothes that are a bit kinder to my aging figure and cover me up just a bit more. With warmer clothes comes warmer sheets as well. S will crawl into bed just a bit before me and take the chill off the sheets. That way when I get into bed my exposed skin isn't shocked by the cold. He likes the shock and seems happy with being a human sheet warmer for me.

- hot drinks. Mmmmm...tea and hot chocolate are like warm hugs from the inside out. Fully appreciated when the air is cool, the tip of my nose is chilly and my slippers get more mileage. Curling up on the couch with a cup of tea and a good book is wonderful.

While I don't tend to look forward to fall I do seem to like it once it's here.

Hyacinths

2011-09-25T16:09:00.000-06:00

For a few years now I've been wanting hyacinths in my garden mainly because they smell so lovely. Each year I try to remember to buy the bulbs in the fall and get them planted so they'll bloom in the spring. Unfortunately I usually wait too long or think that they are too expensive so I leave it for the next year. A couple of years ago I bought hyacinth bulbs at WalMart but they came up as ornamental onions :( I don't know what happened there, but I think it was a mislabeled bunch.

This year I saved up some money and went to a greenhouse for the bulbs. For some reason I thought they only came in only a few colors: pink, white, blue and purple. When I found them in the greenhouse I discovered ten different colors! Ok, some of them are two different shades of blue or purple, but I think they'll smell differently so I bought one of each color. The colors that surprised me were apricot and yellow. I don't think I've ever seen those two. It occurred to me that it would have been a good idea to plan the color layout in advance so I would know what I wanted to buy. Instead I just bought one bag of each color (and two bags of red by accident), each bag had four bulbs. Except one had five - bonus :)

When I got home I decided that if I didn't like the layout then I could move them after they've bloomed, or even add more next fall. When standing in front of it, the area I have set aside for hyacinths is about two feet tall and seven feet wide. Instead of putting them in clumps or patterns I did what I tend to do and planted them in little columns. Each column is one color, starting with white on the left and moving to Blue Ice on the right. Hopefully they will all bloom and look like a rainbow :)

I put them in this order: Carnegie, City of Haarlem, Apricot Passion, Gipsy Queen, Red Magic (twice), Woodstock, Peter Stuyvsant, King of the Blues, Delft Blue and finally Blue Ice. I used the label to determine the color order but I see online some of them might be a bit different then I thought. I managed to figure out my new Gimp program enough to come up with the photo below of the color. I guess I'll have to wait until spring to see if I like the order or not.

I finally got all three to the dentist

2011-09-24T15:07:00.000-06:00

I took the boys and J's GF to the dentist for their annual cleaning and checkup. None of them were happy to go. None of them enjoyed the experience. None of them looked forward to it at all. But then, I've only met one person in my lifetime that liked getting her teeth cleaned. She said it was like a massage for your gums.

The easiest was J's GF. Her teeth were in excellent shape with no cavities at all. My dental plan at work doesn't cover her as she's not related to me, but her Native Treaty plan covered it all! I loved that :)

T had only one tiny cavity that the dentist said will go away if he brushes and flosses. Go away? Funny how my tiny cavities turned into large cavities. Then the teeth became brittle and fell apart in my mouth. Painful? Hell yes. Maybe next year he can have that tiny cavity filled. We found out his wisdom teeth are developed and pushing on his other teeth so they need to come out. T wants to be asleep for it so I had to get a referral to a dental surgeon. When I called the surgeon's office it turned out that's the office T went to eight years ago to have his front teeth and two supernumerary teeth removed. Small world :) We have a consultation appointment in October and I'm hoping to have the surgery done over Christmas.

J discovered that the hygienist doesn't polish or fluoride your teeth when you tell her you don't want it done. I wasn't particularly happy about that, but was happy that he isn't afraid to say what he wants and doesn't want. The dentist found two large cavities in his mouth which I don't remember from his last visit. These were his first cavities and he's 15! He got them filled (both at the same time) and experienced Novocaine for the first time. He was hilarious :) Pulling his lip, slapping his face, trying to sound out the letter F, drooling everywhere. All the while saying "This is cool! Check this out! It feels like rubber! It doesn't hurt when I do this" - *slaps face hard* - "ow. Ok, that hurt." I'm sure we were a spectacle in the mall with him playing with his face and me laughing at him.

Next is S and I at the dentist. I am not happy to go. I don't enjoy the experience. I don't look forward to it at all.

Movies

2011-09-09T14:29:00.000-06:00

The books I've been reading lately have been less than glorious, summer TV generally sucks, which leaves my next favorite pastime - movies!

I watched two recently which were surprisingly good. The first was Bad Teacher with Cameron Diaz. This was one movie that I expected the trailer to contain all the funny parts but I was happily wrong. Cameron plays a bad teacher that is saving up for a boob job in order to land a rich guy to take care of her. Sound superficial? Yeah, it was. Knowing that before I watched it helped because then I expected nothing but fluff from it, no deep meanings, no thought-provoking scenes, just entertainment. It didn't disappoint.

I especially liked how Cameron's character was unapologetic in her behaviour - she was a superficial, rude, self-centered adult and that didn't change much throughout the movie. Her character grew a bit but stayed true to who she was which was something I liked. I find it a bit too false when a character like that 'wakes up' in the movie and becomes someone completely different, you know? Oh, and the gym teacher - Jason Segel - had some of the best lines which he delivered with impeccable timing. I don't know if it was the magic of editing, writing or just who he is that made him so funny. I looked him up and found his filmography included movies I have zero interest in, which explains why I've never seen him before.

The other movie I saw that I found very entertaining was Tucker & Dale vs. Evil. It wasn't until the end credits that I found out it was filmed right here in Alberta, Canada! This helped to explain why I liked it - some Canadian films are a bit odd or have a different feel to them that I absolutely love.

This movie was gory but not what I would classify a horror. Tucker and Dale are two rednecks on vacation in their new 'vacation cabin' in the woods when they run into a bunch of preppy college kids. The college kids are camping in the woods when they encounter two slow-witted, bloodthirsty rednecks bent on killing them all off. It was funny how each group viewed each other and how they based their next actions on what they thought was true. Serious lack of communication there. A quote from the movie on IMDb's site: "Oh hidy ho officer, we've had a doozy of a day. There we were minding our own business, just doing chores around the house, when kids started killing themselves all over my property."

Really worth taking a look at these two movies if you like something where your brain can rest from thinking :)

My garden

2011-09-04T16:09:00.000-06:00

I have a rose bush in the front that has been trying to get in to the house this summer. So far I've pushed the stems back, pruned them and tied them up. They just keep coming back out though and now they are starting to block the mailbox. Occasionally I'll even have to kick a stem out of the way to close the door. Today I finally did something about it.

I bought this stuff called Bird-X early in the spring. I'd intended to use it as a trellis for some Ruby Moon vines but my landlord was not happy with the idea of a vine crawling all over the house. Bird-X is a black plastic flexible netting designed to be put over bushes and shrubbery to stop birds from doing bird things. I ended up tying the Bird-X to the railing on the front step to create a kind of wall that the stems can't get through. Hopefully. Just to make sure it was difficult for the stems I used several layers of the Bird-X. As I was tying it I realized I was doing it in the spirit of my dad: functional, but not pretty :)

After I was done I noticed that the bush is actually quite tall and will most likely fall over the top of the railing next year. But that is a problem for next year.

We had so much rain this year that I think it stunted my sweet peas, but caused my mini lilac bush to have a second blooming! Ok, only one bloom. But still, I don't think this bush has ever bloomed twice in a year.

Soon...

2011-09-01T05:45:00.000-06:00

You know what I miss? Time to myself.

I had no idea I liked it so much until I had it. When I lived with my parents there were four other people in the house and seven (I think) cats so there was never a moment where the house was empty. Then I moved in with my future ex and discovered how wonderful it is to have the house completely to myself. And don't get me wrong, I adore the people I live with and I don't want them to go away, but there is something incredibly relaxing about not hearing other bodies moving around. A book I read described quiet as being not the absence of sound, but the absence of the possibility of sound.

Not being alone was the single hardest adjustment to being a parent. I found a solution by enjoying my time as much as possible when they were asleep. Now that they are teens they sleep on a different schedule than me and tend to bang around the house at all hours. I would've thought they'd be out all summer but this year they spent it mostly indoors. Even J who has been known to be out for a couple of days at a time stayed in with his GF. Actually, he got GF playing World of Warcraft so they were both glued to their computers for most of the summer.

It didn't help this summer that S was not working either. He was laid off in June because his department was outsourced to the States and it took a while to find another good job. He's working now and his schedule is different than I'm accustomed to. It's twelve hour shifts - two on, two off, three on, two off, two on, three off, etc. It works out to one week being Tuesday, Wednesday and Saturday and the next being Sunday, Monday, Thursday and Friday. So on the days that the kids are all in school, S might be home.

So now I find myself eyeing the calendar looking forward to the day that S will be working, the kids in school and I get off early enough to unwind in a nice, quiet house. Soon...

Work evaluations

2011-08-19T14:42:00.000-06:00

We all got performance reviews at work this week and I've got to say...finally! Last year the review was merely handed out to each of us and completed by the Line Supervisor. I don't work on the line or even closely with the LS so I couldn't imagine how she could fill out a performance review. She did so by keeping it vague, included spelling and grammatical errors, and had it handed to me by the R&D baker. Oh, and there was no raises given. The year before that we were all given a cursory review, same sheet filled out but by the Production Manager, and no raises.

This year there has been some major upheaval in the management area so we were all kind of unsure who would be performing our reviews. We have a new Production Manager who used to be our maintenance man. He's a good man but far too kind. He doesn't seem to want to ever say no to anyone, resulting in things like having five people away on vacation at the same time (previously unheard of to have more than two people away at a time), and no discipline for poor behaviour or work ethic. How he could review anyone and say a negative thing is beyond me, and there are some people who are in need of some constructive criticism. In order to help run the plant the Upper Management team has hired a Consultant to come in and...consult. He's a bit of a grand thinker, always looking for things to change and not really focused on details. At the same time he's much more aware of how to get things done and how to do some of the nasty work like keeping people on task.

Consultant has since been upgraded in his status to Production Leader, a new position. So he performed the reviews with each of us, and our immediate supervisors. So that was surprising. Also, the standard form was used but not filled out this time. Instead I was called into the office with PL and the Bakery Supervisor where we proceeded to discuss each point and agree on a rating.

There were six categories: Attendance/Punctuality, Work Performance, Policies & Procedures, Communication, Hygiene/Sanitation/Safety, and Attitude. Out of a maximum of 18 points, I got 15, which I find excellent :) BS and PL did too and were unable to come up with anything I could really improve upon, except that I can be rigid at times. BS did agree that I have been less rigid and have less of an attitude problem in the last year. I didn't tell them that I think it's because of the EMPowerplus I've been taking because that would have opened the door to telling them I have Bipolar Disorder. I don't think they need that information quite yet.

So my review was overall quite good and included a raise of 4%. Not much I know, but better than the last few years. And I was talking to Accountant about the reviews and he said they tried to be fair in doling out raises. Accountant and PL both feel that some people deserve more money simply because they are better employees, where other people just don't. That would be the whole point of performance reviews in my mind: the idea that you are given feedback on your job performance and areas to improve upon. In return the employee can also express any concerns that affect her job. Raises to me are all about whether or not you have done well at your job or not. I know there are people that disagree with this, and I work with many of those people :)

The only disappointment to the review is that there was no room to consider extra stuff. Like the fact that I finally got the Upper Management to try a cake I liked. Not only did they try it but they loved it and named it after me! I thought they were kidding when I was told that, but there it was on the schedule with my name in the title of the cake. And I came up with the idea for the lot code system. Specifically using a database system to track the whole thing. As far as I know they didn't go with the idea, but it did show I know enough about the various departments to tie them together, and express all of it in a well thought out manner. And the review didn't take into consideration that I have been asked to go through the inventory list (2,389 items...eek) and update it so that the items are assigned proper bin numbers. This is an arduous task. I have also been asked to be the spot checker during inventory, a position of some importance as Accountant must be able to trust the spot checker's numbers.

Then I remembered, we are Union. That's why none of this extra stuff can be considered. Union doesn't like evaluations based on individuality, they like everybody treated the same. The only reason they agreed to allowing the company to hold performance evaluations and give raises at their discretion was because the form was developed. This way each employee is ranked on the same criteria. And raises are only discretionary after the progression level of pay. If you are below progression level, you automatically get $0.25/hr more regardless of performance.

Oh well. At least it was noted that I'm appreciated and excellent at my job. And I got a raise, woohoo!

Some thoughts on weight loss

2011-08-16T19:38:00.000-06:00

I was talking to a friend at work the other day about weight loss. She was quite happy with herself because she'd lost almost 50 lbs and her husband a bit more. For Canada Day they allowed themselves to go off their diet a bit and have hot dogs and hamburgers for dinner with family. Since then the pounds have been slowly creeping back on and she is now less pleased with herself. Another woman had lost around 40 lbs on Weight Watchers and I've watched her very slowly return to the more rounded version of herself...plus a bit more.

I remember when my mom and my older sister went on Weight Watchers way back in the 80's. I don't remember what year, but I do remember the look of longing for butter as they tried to spread a single teaspoon of deliciousness on a skinny piece of bread. Their plea of "that's not enough food" resonated with me and I started to associate dieting with deprivation. The idea that if you want to be skinny you will never eat chocolate again. Or any yummy food. Just baked, skinless chicken breasts from now to eternity. I did not find this idea appetizing.

Newer diets of today offer tasty desserts (made mostly with processed ingredients, not real food but chemicals designed to taste like food) to help the dieter feel less deprived. And the concept of maintenance is more common now. The thought that once you've reached your goal weight you can be taught how to maintain it. So that's an improvement...but I still hear people say things like "I can't wait to eat cheese again" or "when I reach my goal weight I'll go to Marble Slab for ice cream". So it seems people still think of diets as temporary measures.

And this whole 'plus some' that happens to dieters that fall off the wagon. Very few people indeed keep the weight off and most gain what they lost, plus some. I was doing some thinking about this lately and came up with the idea that it is almost impossible to get skinny and stay there because our bodies are designed against this.

Our bodies are designed to store fat for when food is not available. This way we can live through the more lean times. However our bodies haven't caught up to the idea that food is in that big white box in the kitchen, always near. So when someone eats more than she is hungry for it stretches her stomach a little bit. Her body doesn't need the energy so her body stores the calories as fat for later. This keeps happening until she is overweight. Now, she wants to get rid of the weight and goes on a diet. What happens? She's hungry, of course. My younger sister even pointed out that in order to lose weight you must accept being hungry some of the time. I felt a mental slap on the forehead over that idea. I hadn't ever really thought about it but yes, if you want to lose weight you must get used to feeling hunger. When your body is hungry it slows the metabolism down in order to conserve calories until more are presented.

Now your body is conserving calories so it doesn't have to use up the precious storage of fat. Then as soon as food is eaten it will burn what it needs to live...on the modified metabolism. Any extra will be stored as fat. My question is: does the metabolism ever recover? I don't think it does. Now the body feels like it's been on the verge of starvation and is trying to protect itself and will accumulate fat to do so. Could this be the reason for the 'plus some' in post-diet weight gain? And then the yo-yo begins. More dieting to lose weight, more hunger, more genetic coding protecting the body, more fat accumulated as soon as possible.

There are normally thin people out there, but I wonder if one reason they don't ever get really fat is because they don't use food to soothe themselves, or have not ever stretched their stomachs beyond capacity. Therefore never alerting whatever gene causes us to think food won't be available. These people never set off their body's survival instinct in terms of food. They don't engage in the cycle of overeat/undereat and awaken the fat cell storage system.

Now the question is: can someone ever take off weight and keep it off forever? I doubt it. Not without changing their thinking patterns in regards to food. Food can no longer be a treat, reward, soother or friend. It is merely fuel for the body. And the person will forever have to assess hunger levels to prevent overeating. If they slip, even once, the body will continue the cycle to retain fat as it has practiced so many times by this point. I still believe it is possible to lose weight over the long haul but not without significant difficulty.

I think fall is on arrival earlier than I'd like

2011-08-07T16:37:00.000-06:00

We have had so much rain this year that my rose bushes have exploded in growth! Some stems have grown so fast they can't hold themselves up with the weight of the blooms on the ends. The bush by my front door is starting to overtake my step and look like it's trying to get inside the house. There has been so much rain that all of the bushes have lots of blooms, even the Morden Sunrise! I hope it makes it through the winter. The last one didn't.

The roses also have some kind of white stuff on the leaves. I think it's from too much rain, maybe mold? There are also lots of little holes in the leaves from some kind of bug, but I don't see any bugs anywhere except ants. The ants are crawling all over my roses, getting into the blossoms and eating the pollen I guess.

My mini lilac has never looked healthier, also probably from the rain. There are new shoots everywhere and it's filled out very nicely. The new lilacs I planted have not filled out, but they also have not started to die so I'm cautiously optimistic that I'll see blooms next year.

The sweet peas are stunted this year. Probably from rain :) I made sure to carefully place each and every seed whereas in past years I've just dumped the seeds. I think the latter method works better for getting bushier plants, but most likely they prefer a bit less water as well. Either way, they are only about half the usual height and not as bushy as the past few seasons.

The new Siberian Dogwoods are already changing their leaves. I noticed the other day that there was a chill in the air and the trees looked a bit less vibrant. Now I can see on a few trees the yellow leaves on top, on my roses the yellowing leaves near the base, and the Dogwoods' definite change in color. I'm not ready for fall, but I think it's just about here already.

In other news, my spider is back. Most years that I've lived here there has been a large spider residing under the eave of the shed. I hadn't seen her this year and thought maybe she found a new home but I was outside today and saw the web going from the mini lilac to the shed to the fence. Hiding in the eave was the spider, probably resting from her meal of dragonfly that was got caught in her web.

The dragonflies have been a delight this summer! We always have mosquitoes that come out in the evening. They are attracted to the heat of your body so in the height of the day they don't bite too much, but evenings are wretched. The city was trying to tell us for a while that the mosquito population was no worse than previous years but I knew different. The ones that come out at night are called Aedes Vexans and they don't really bother me. They bounce off my skin without biting, usually. When they finally do settle down to bite they take a while to be able to get the stinger in my skin. This leaves me plenty of opportunity for slapping them. These are slow moving mosquitoes as well that you can clap in mid air and die reasonably easily.

Then I was outside and found the mosquitoes to be swarming my face in the middle of the afternoon! I am not used to this. These ones are smaller then the Vexans and had no problem biting me. They also didn't die as easily, they needed to be slapped harder and were more difficult to catch in mid air. The city found out these are a different variety called Ochlerotatus Spencerii that are attracted to carbon dioxide...or breath. The city finally admitted that the mosquitoes were far worse than we are accustomed to because of this new variety. And these Spencerii will lay eggs in short grass and are able to wait out a drought for up to ten years. So we could have had these pests at any point but with this year's huge rainfall it hatched the dormant eggs.

Between the swarms of mosquitoes and heavy rain I don't feel much like I've enjoyed my summer this year. And here is fall creeping into the days already. Maybe we'll have a warm and gentle fall. That would be nice :)

Please, sedate me

2011-07-22T14:28:00.000-06:00

I used to pride myself on how healthy I was. Really, I just don't get sick often and can pass through entire cold/flu seasons with barely a sniffle. And then I started to get older.

You know about my fibroids right? I mentioned them before, I have four of them which I think are large and need to be removed. I saw the gynecologist and she basically said that she would need to be convinced that surgery is the best option. So far my life is just inconvenienced by them and that, apparently, is ok. She sent me away with another requisition for another ultrasound and an appointment for October. She'll compare the size of the fibroids from May to October and see if they are growing, if they are then surgery moves up on the options list. Until then I just get to deal with feeling pregnant. Yes, pregnant. I asked the doctor if that's normal because my clothes don't fit and my belly is getting larger but I'm not gaining any weight. She said my uterus is about the size of a 3 month pregnancy so of course my body is shaping like there's a baby in there.

So now I get to deal with very heavy periods (I lift heavy stuff at work, can you imagine the discomfort?), thick waist, heavy pelvis, cramping pelvic floor muscles and increasingly less room for my bladder to expand like it used to. None of this makes me a happy camper.

Meanwhile, my face has broken out in a nice new crop of acne. I've always had pimples on my face but only one or two at a time since puberty. Over the last couple of years they've gone away leaving me with clear skin for the first time in my life. Then I noticed my forehead was starting to look like a mountain range. No redness, just bumps galore. And then my chin erupted into a small burst of pimples.

These pimples aren't like the normal kind. Normal ones develop a white head, get popped and go away. These develop a white head, get popped, and take up residence on my chin, happily creating a neighbor pimple. They also burn and itch. I thought it was herpes, which I do have on my face and almost never have an outbreak. But those tingle more than burn or itch and do eventually go away. Then I thought it was excema so I bought some cream and watched as the pimples got worse. About this time I remembered having a similar rash beside my nose twenty years ago. It was initially treated with hydrocortisone cream which made it worse and expanded to my whole face. I saw a different doctor and he said it was bacterial and gave me antibiotics. They worked. Rash of burning, itching pimples gone. Until now.

Armed with that information I went to the Medicenter for antibiotics. The doctor prescribed some oral ones and cream. It almost, just about worked. As soon as I finished the prescription the pimples came back, with some newbies. I went back to the Medicenter for something different. This time I was given a two month supply of something different - Minocycline and a cream. It's almost, just about working but it's only been a week. Then I broke out in hives.

Ok, not hives right away. Last night I went to pick up J and his girlfriend and my scalp itched something fierce. As I was raking my fingernails through my hair while trying to drive I was praying it wasn't lice infesting my head. When the itch moved from my head to my chest I stopped considering lice. I scratched my chest, shoulders, back, feet, ankles, legs and hands raw in addition to my scalp. This kept me up for hours when I should have been sleeping peacefully. At about midnight I finally got out of bed and found a phone number for a 24 hr pharmacy to ask if I can take Benedryl with the Minocycline. He said yes and also said the itch wasn't caused by the antibiotic. Whatever. I took Benedryl and slept. Probably scratched in my sleep wherever I could.

When I got up to have a shower my skin was raw. I looked and saw huge raised red patches that itched and burned at the same time. Clothing hurt. Sweating at work from lifting hurt. Trying not to cry and scratch was extremely difficult.

After work I went to the pharmacy where I filled the prescription to ask if this itching/hives thing was an allergic reaction to the Minocycline but the pharmacist said no. If I was allergic the itch would have happened after the second dose, not the fourteenth dose. He said I probably ate something I am allergic to. But I stayed away from shellfish, I thought, and then remembered the hot peppers.

I never really enjoyed hot peppers. Found them too hot and burny. Maybe twice a year or less often I would eat the banana pepper that accompanies my Quizno's sub, or have hot pepper rings put on the veggie sub from Subway. But for some reason I was craving them mightily. I went out and bought pickled hot pepper rings and pickled banana peppers. I made a salad with them (with lettuce, green & red peppers, cucumber and black pepper) which I had for dinner, then lunch the next day. Then after my lunch of Fire Salad I put the hot pepper rings on a chicken sandwich for supper. The next day I had Fire Salad again for dinner. Then the itch began. I think the hotness is trying to escape my body via my bloodstream. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to not scratch even when you know it will burn?

So at work today I had the Bad Poops from the antibiotics for my acne-riddled face, a bladder that needed emptying about every 45 minutes because my uterus is swollen, constant heavy flow from the arrival of Mother Nature and the desperate need to crawl out of or unzip my skin to escape the itch.

I wanna be sedated.

My mom's estate

2011-07-14T19:57:00.001-06:00

While I was at work the other day a letter came for me that needed my signature. I couldn't imagine who would send me anything by registered mail or courier that needs a signature, and then I remembered. My mom's estate. We had been waiting for her pension plan to pay out and had to hire a lawyer to do it and I was hoping this would be the cheque. It wasn't. Instead it was only the paperwork saying that my younger sister is indeed the executor and the papers will be filed at the courthouse soon.

My mom didn't have a huge estate to settle. She didn't own any property, no vehicle, no investments of any kind. It was just a matter of cleaning out her apartment, closing all her accounts with cable services and stuff, collecting the life insurance, notifying creditors, closing her bank accounts and collecting the pension. Not a lot, really.

When my mom died the police officers that visited my home told me that I was the one named to be in charge, so I took charge. I assembled my mom's bills and checked her bank account for direct deposits and withdrawls. I counted all the cash left in her apartment (she had separated amounts into labelled baggies like Gail Vaz-Oxlade suggests, it was cool and sad at the same time). My mom didn't have any friends that I could find listed anywhere so no notifications there, but I did write up and place the notice in the paper. I talked to the funeral home and arranged cremation and disposal options for her cremains.

With every step I took I talked to my sisters because they wanted to stay in the loop. I completely understood and had no problem relating information to them, until I noticed my older sister questioning every decision I made. It got to the point that every time I suggested anything I was immediately shot down by her. Everything I said, literally - I was keeping track after a while - was opposed by her. Needlessly, I might add. Many decisions don't require approval from anybody, credits are owed and sought after. Why argue? Does it matter if the bank closes her account or if it's just cleaned out by the three of us and left to unclaimed account limbo? Who cares if I shredded tax returns from the '80s? She didn't trust me at all with anything and it was just too much after a while. I seriously started to think she was going to take legal action against me because she didn't think I was handling the estate properly.

Well, I'd had enough. My mom's pension refused to pay out without a legal notice filed by the court system. We hired a lawyer to see if she could get them to pay out and they still refused. Now we have to pay something like $3000 to get the notice filed by the court to collect a measly $22,000 pension. Once the lawyer's appointment was made I decided that I was going to give up handling my mom's estate. The police led me to believe I was named as the one in charge and that turned out to be false. My name simply appeared on the list of contacts at the top. I couldn't handle one more minute of my sisters disapproval and condensation so I told both sisters that I would hand over the details to someone else.

Both were surprised - I hadn't breathed word to them of the huge stress associated with the estate. And why would I? I was raised to be quiet and take my lumps, agree with everything so I don't rock the boat. Once we involved the lawyer I figured she could tie up the remaining loose ends - pension, bank account and taxes. Instead my younger sister took it on, even though it clearly stressed her out as well. At the lawyer's appointment I watched my older sister manipulate and bully my younger sister, telling her what to do and how to do it. All the while glaring at me, disagreeing with me, and putting me down at every available opportunity. Just for my own sanity I reminded my younger sister that the lawyer could handle the rest if it was too much for her. I believe she has the strength to do it but I don't want her to have to argue like I did with our sister. Ultimately, she decided to continue and now she's executor.

Hopefully the courts will get the notice filed sooner rather than later. Then the lawyer can take it to the pension people and they will pay out so we can get our share (minus the fees, of course). Then my sister can close the bank account and pay us each our third after paying whatever taxes are owed. Then it can be done forever.

My mom didn't name an executor in her will, presumably because she didn't trust any of us to properly handle her estate. Or maybe she did it on purpose, knowing our personalities and how we'd fight with each other. She was always trying to drive wedges between us while she was alive, why not one more time? Thanks mom. I know that for my will I'll name an executor but it sure as hell won't be a family member. I've learned it should be a more impartial third party in order to not get sucked in by petty crap that pops up. Yeah, I'm still bitter about it all. More because of the way I reacted to my older sister's attitudes, behaviours and comments. Thankfully, I'm working on it, one bit at a time.

Listening skills

2011-07-08T15:27:00.000-06:00

Apparently I'm not listening in English lately. I've been having a hard time hearing people correctly and have been asking for some clarification.

Here's an example:

Me: I need you to do the dishes and check J's computer for me.

T: Dumblepiss, I'll check the computer later.

Me: ...dumblepiss?

T: What? No, how 'bout this.

Sigh. I need my English ears back.

TV in the summer is sucky

2011-07-05T18:46:00.000-06:00

There's really nothing much on TV at the moment so I've been checking out some new shows. S and I watched the whole first season of Game of Thrones and loved it. The story line was fantastic, complicated and well executed. The characters are beautifully rounded and more intelligent as each show progressed. Lots of information crammed into one hour and each hour left me wanting more of the story. It aired on HBO which I'm sure stands for "Heaps of Boobies Often" instead of "Home Box Office". I swear every episode of GoT had some kind of sex in it ranging from full frontal nudity (male and female) to full on soft core porn. Is it part of the contract that the shows must include as much sex as possible to be aired on HBO? Anyway, we would get the occasional promo for more HBO shows, including True Blood.

Now this show just completed it's fourth season I think. It would almost get my attention but not quite, you know? Out of sheer boredom I thought we could give it a try and downloaded the first season.

What can I say? Copious sex, check. Boobies, check. Male frontal nudity, not yet. The story is a bit interesting. The idea that vampires 'come out of the coffin' and try to live 'mainstream' by drinking True Blood is neat. There's a shape shifter and what appears to be a succubus. Oh, and the main character Annoying Sookie is telepathic. But the biggest problem I have with this show is the idea of vampire sex. I mean, here's a creature of the dead. No blood running in his veins, no siree. So...how does he, um, get, uh...ready for sex? Doesn't that require a fair bit of blood flowing to specific areas of the body? And the makeup department doesn't quite have things right. Again, this man is dead. No blood flow. So why would his skin be glowing peach as he's getting it on with Irritating Sookie? Wouldn't his skin be grey and pasty? His face is, usually, but you'd think his whole body would also be the color of...well...dead things. As there is little better on at the moment, I've started watching the second season. I frequently have to find my eyeballs after they've rolled out of their sockets though.

Another show we've been watching is Falling Skies by Stephen Spielberg. Cue the orchestra that he has on hand for background noise, er, music. No nudity or sex so that's a kind of relief. The show is about aliens that have landed on Earth and eliminated all the military and government. The survivors are trying to...I have no idea. Go somewhere? Fight the aliens? Set up camp? The children are taken by the aliens, that much we know, and harnessed with this sort of slug thing. Slug is attached to the child's neck and upper back by fusing rods into their spine through the shirts they wear. I guess they are destined to wear that shirt forever now.

It's been four episodes (pilot was two hours) and we have no idea what the aliens are doing on Earth, how they breathe Earth air, why the survivors seem so calm or why the aliens don't attack this group of around 300 people and instead focus on groups of five or so. Um, that makes no sense. If the aliens were able to differentiate politicians and military from civilians they must have been watching for a while, but there's no evidence of that yet. And if the aliens like the children to be harnessed and enslaved, why keep the adults around at all? Why not kill them all? To make sure they have more kids?

Another story glitch is when a small group of survivors happened upon a nest of sleeping aliens. They were bat-like in their sleep, hanging upside down in a tunnel. Everywhere these aliens go (called skitters) there are Mechs. These Mechs are basically robots that shoot at people when they get too close. But only if the Mech sees the people. Don't these machines have a constant radar or something so they can sense approaching people? Why wait until people make a noise and draw attention? Anyway, there was a nest of sleeping skitters with Mechs...also apparently not guarding the nest. Why not? Were they sleeping too? Just silly.

I may not make it through many more episodes of Falling Skies. It's just too slow and not thought out very well. I can't wait for good TV to be back on the air.

My garden

2011-06-19T13:37:00.000-06:00

My garden this year isn't quite as successful as I'd like. My sweet peas in particular are pathetically small and sparse. Every other year I would just kind of drop the seeds in the ground and they would grow fantastically well. This year I meticulously set each seed down the same distance apart and the same depth. Then I put new soil on top for extra nutrients. Some of the seeds have sprouted but there are whole sections that don't even have the slightest bit of growth :( We've had a lot of rain lately. Maybe that will help them.

My Morden Sunrise from last year didn't come up this year :( It had many beautiful blooms last year but this year there wasn't a single green leaf or stem to be found. I reluctantly

dug it out and bought another one. This time I put the new one in a different location: right between two other hardy rose bushes.

S and I moved one hardy rose to make room but it didn't survive the transplant as you can see on the right :(

I watched the new Sunrise for new growth...and nothing. Not a leaf or stem. As a matter of fact, the main stem was looking like it was dying as well. So I bought another one, this one larger. I removed the

dead rosebush from the new location and put both the stunted and new Sunrises there. They seem to be holding on...barely. Maybe the drenching rain will help them? You can see the newest one leaning off to the side below:

I also bought a Morden Snowbeauty to put

between the two hardy bushes so there isn't as much of a gaping hole from the failed transplant. This one has a bud on it so I'm hoping it survives.

We also bought some dogwood bushes for the back fence. Siberian Dogwood to be specific. It has nice red stems with green leaves and white flowers. The bushes are still young so I doubt they'll flower this year.

A woman I work with gave me seeds to some 'orange flowers'. I think they are a daisy type of flower but I don't know for sure, they are coming up beautifully. The pink poppy seeds she gave me and the Evening Scented Stock I planted have no signs of seedlings. However, my tulips that I transplanted came up this year...but only one bloomed. The rain knocked the petals off, but it was a beautiful shade of deep purple.

The only thing doing really well is my mini lilac bush:

This is the best year it's had so far. I also bought two new lilac bushes called 'Lilac Sensation'. They will have pretty flowers that are purple in the center with white edging. I've never seen that before so hopefully they will survive and bloom for next year. If I can find a place to put them. At the moment they are sitting in my yard still in the pot they came in.

A birthday letter to my mom

2011-06-10T14:17:00.000-06:00

Dear Mom,

I noticed yesterday that it was your birthday. Somehow I thought the day would have more of an impact on me or make me sad. But I reminded myself that you decided to die and so you weren't here to see how beautiful the day was and how the lilacs were in bloom.

I thought of you in bits and pieces throughout the day. I remembered how you said you missed having birthday parties where the cake was brought in from another room and everyone would sing "Happy Birthday". I remembered how you would make our birthdays a bit more special than any other day of the week, we didn't have to do chores and we got to pick out a meal for dinner. And you would make that meal, no matter what. I've carried that tradition onto my family now. Only they get to pick a restaurant or a specially cooked dinner as eating out is sometimes what they want instead of a home cooked meal.

I didn't remember that you were dead right away when I realized the date. As soon as I saw my handwriting saying '09 June' I was filled with a sense of dread. It's customary in our family to phone the person on her birthday to say hello and wish her well. But I didn't like doing that with you because I would inevitably feel worse instead of better for having made the call. You were simply too unkind and I allowed your meanness to eat away at my well being.

And that right there is my biggest regret in our relationship. Now I think I understand you better, now that my mind is clearer. I was blinded by my own troubles before to bother noticing you were hurting and that I could help. Now I wonder if I had simply taken the time to hear you, to see you, to let you know that you matter to me, regardless of how you would react, would we have had a better relationship? Did you feel like you had no value? Did you feel like you were worthless and needed to hurt others before they hurt you? If I had taken the time to mirror you, validate you and really hear you, would you have evolved into a different kind of mom? It's too late now, I know. I hope you are heard where you are now.

I hate what the Seroquel did to you. It kept you enveloped in an addictive impenetrable fog and I feel it contributed to the loss of you. Before you started taking it we had a decent relationship. Not perfect by any standard, but I enjoyed you and was able to overlook your oddities. The Seroquel numbed you from my perspective and seemed to release the brake on the negativity and meanness. In order to protect myself I had to put some distance between us, I hope you understand that now.

I hope you understand that I loved the core of you, the one that occasionally saw me as a good person, the one that could create beautiful knitting, tatting, crochet and quilts. The one that cuddled my boys when they were infants, the one that laughed at the silly things in life, the one that shared my sense of humour, the one that loved my dad. Please understand that I didn't love the shell of you. The one that put wedges between my sisters and I, the one that instilled a sense of paranoia in me, the one that blamed other people for her troubles, the one that said cruel things to elevate herself, the one that refused to allow herself to be helped by anyone.

I miss you sometimes mom. I also am grateful to have you removed from my world so I can begin to heal myself.

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday dear Sylvia,
Happy Birthday to you

Results

2011-06-07T15:54:00.000-06:00

Remember the awful barium enema I had? Well, I also had an ultrasound to see if the pain in my perineum was from an organ instead of from the bowels. The standard here in my city is that if you don't hear back about your test results then everything is fine. I waited almost two weeks after the ultrasound as the test results were to be given to the doctor within five working days. I'd already had the blood work done, the urinalysis and the horrendous enema done so the ultrasound was the last test.

I was getting very paranoid that I had some awful tumor growing on my ovary or something and it was pressing on my pelvic floor causing the pain. So when I didn't hear back from the doctor's office I decided to go in anyway, even though I knew it would piss them off. And it turns out that the results were normal. All the tests came back negative which meant the pain was from a muscle strain. I asked why it would still hurt after six months and he said that kind of strain takes a long time to heal.

Then he mentioned offhandedly that I have fibroids in my uterus but that they don't cause any pain at all. Apparently there are four of them, the largest being 4cm. I'd heard of fibroids, my aunt had them I think, so I didn't think to ask any questions.

Then I went home and typed an email to my sisters about the lab results. After I hit 'send' I did some research on fibroids. You know they can be treated? I sat there looking at the computer thinking that there is no reason for me to live with super heavy periods with a lot of pain if there is treatment available. I went back to the doctor and asked for a referral to a gynecologist to treat them. He didn't have any problem with that, but I wondered...why didn't he offer treatment while I was there the first time? I hate that sometimes doctors think the problem is just an inconvenience instead of a medical concern.

So now I have an appointment in September about the fibroids. In a way, I hope they just remove the uterus. I'm done with having babies and having periods.

Therapy

2011-05-21T19:13:00.000-06:00

My sisters and I saw a therapist recently to work out some communication issues and man oh man did I love it! Strange for me to say as I'm not particularly fond of therapy.

Very soon after our mom died in December, my younger sister V set up a group therapy appointment so the three of us could build a better relationship. Our mom did not foster healthy relationships with us, or allow us to develop healthy relationships between each other. Instead she did what she could to separate us, create suspicion amongst ourselves and learn to distrust each others words and motives. This recent therapist called that 'trauma' and she was probably right.

The first therapist we saw over eight visits and while I gained something from each session I didn't find it helpful overall. We are three very strong women and we know each other's buttons and how hard to press them. The therapist seemed a bit afraid to deal with some of the hugely negative undercurrents in our relationship. My sisters may have different opinions on that therapist, but I seem to recall each of us feeling some dissatisfaction with the sessions. So instead of digging to find the issues plaguing us, the therapist gave us tips on how to be aware of our grief, express ourselves with scrapbooks (not the right word, but I can't think of the right one at the moment), be quiet around each other and whatnot. I walked away from the sessions feeling like there was more to do in order to build stronger relationships but I had no idea what that could possibly be.

The three of us agreed to continue therapy after our eight sessions were up but not with that therapist. V was able to find someone else that she respected and was willing to take us on, so to speak. We have only had the one session as our older sister C doesn't live in our province and was here just for a short visit. V was correct in saying this therapist could see right through you and call you on your crap. She pointed out to me that I don't seem to realize that I have an impact on other people and that startled me a bit. I always think I have a negative impact on others or need to be invisible. This concept strongly influences the way I interact with people. Like I want to agree with just about anything to keep the peace or not make enemies. I think my opinions are not valid unless they are shared with others. If I do something new I want to do it alone first so people won't be afflicted by my uselessness if I don't learn the task well or quickly. Things like that.

We were each asked what we hoped to get from the session so I said better communication. V had suggested that as the topic when we agreed to continue therapy and I hadn't even considered any other options. It seemed like a good idea and I know I could use some work on my communication skills. C wanted to clear the air a bit over a disagreement she and I had and that seemed to be the bulk of the session. I felt a bit bad that V wasn't more involved and that I monopolized the time, at the same time C and I did work things out which is always good.

I did learn a few things and am really looking forward to more sessions with this therapist. Some things I learned were:

- Mirroring the other person. Ok, I'd learned this on Oprah years ago and even practiced it on people I knew around my son's school and my ex. Funny thing was that I was able to mirror what they said easily...and people did not do it back to me. I started getting all kinds of compliments on being a good listener (well, not from my ex, but he's an ass). Conversations became all about the other person and his/her feelings but never got around to talking about me and my feelings. Even as I was mirroring C I was thinking "So? Now I understand how she feels better than I did a moment ago, but what about me?". I felt very selfish and frustrated. Then the therapist said it was my turn to respond. OMG. Really? I get a turn? Seriously? And the person has to sit and listen to me? And mirror me? I felt worthy and heard.

- I need to not be a cork in the ocean. The therapist said if you don't speak or know your own truth then you are like a cork in the ocean - you will be pulled and pushed according to the waves. Your truth anchors you and doesn't allow you to be manipulated by other people as much. This was enormously enlightening for me and it is exactly how I feel most of the time. I feel I must go along with whatever opinion or belief someone else has in order to get along with people - especially my sisters. And when I would take a stand I would do so much too roughly and be far too rigid and unbending. Instead it is better to know my own truth and not be swayed by others as much. In addition, when I disagree with someone to do so gently and remember that I have no control over how the other person reacts to me. I don't need to make people like me, and I don't need to falsify myself in order to control people's attitudes about me. It's ok to disagree and if the other person has a problem with that it's not my problem.

- "That's not good enough!" is a phrase I use to measure myself. During our mirroring exercise I said something like "the world is not fair or equal, if you don't like that then too bad". Not the best communication style, I know. C reacted with something like "that's not good enough! I hate it when people say 'just deal with it!'" I was thunderstruck. My entire life has been about me being 'enough' to everybody else except myself. I need to be someone else's idea of a 'good enough' parent and beat myself up tremendously when I do something wrong or my boys aren't perfect. I do my best to be a 'good enough' girlfriend/wife that I compromise what I believe to keep the peace in the house, and reprimand myself harshly when I cause any tension. I feel I need to be a 'good enough' employee so I aim for excellence to such a degree that I freak out and panic if I make even the tiniest mistake. I mean, how can I be so stupid as to have put the ingredient in the wrong place so she had to look for it? Or scaled flour instead of sugar? Or adjusted the temperature on the oven thinking it was empty when it wasn't. I burned 128 cakes because I was preoccupied with wondering how to get the cocoa and flour dust off the lids of scaled product for the cook as she felt it was too dirty and my fault.

Holy crow that last one is huge to me! My mom had the same effect on me, I was never pretty enough, smart enough, shaped the right way for clothes (not thin enough, too much of a potbelly), clean enough, interesting enough, nice enough, cruel enough, motivated enough, fearless enough, didn't change clothing styles often enough or with trends, not flat chested enough (men only will look at your blond hair and big boobs, is what she said)....arg! I could go on for days! No wonder I eat my feelings...I'm never full enough!

Anyway, I don't know if communication will be the next topic at the next session or if we'll explore something new. Either way, I'm looking forward to it. C mentioned coming up in the summer so hopefully we'll be able to book another session for when she's here. By then maybe I'll have digested most of what I learned about me from this last session :)

My favorite song of the moment

2011-05-06T18:33:00.000-06:00

I cannot get enough of this song...

Five days...and bills

2011-05-05T20:10:00.000-06:00

Woohoo! We have our Mondays back! It's been two years of working four days a week and now we finally will be back to full time. I hope.

When I saw the schedule I asked our New Boss if it was permanent or temporary, this Monday thing. He said it was permanent because Old Owner was the one that kept us at four days. She didn't want to pay the wages to keep us full time and now that she's gone so is our old schedule. As much as I want to get my hopes up I really am leery of it being permanent. It's just been too long and we were treated too badly for me to be completely trusting of New Boss. I'm getting there, but it's a thorny path to walk down.

Everyone at work has been complaining of not working Mondays because it's really hard on the budget. Now that the schedule is posted people are complaining of not having the day off :) We got used to booking appointments, doing housework, sleeping in, all that stuff. Now I wonder where I'll spend all the money that will be rolling in with full time work.

Ok, I already spent some of it. I went to leave work today and noticed a flapping noise coming from the rear tire. I pulled over and yep, it was flat. Not even low, it was really flat. Across the street is an AMA outlet so I went there and asked if someone could put my little doughnut spare tire on for me. As we were walking back to my car I wondered if I have a doughnut spare in my trunk. Yep :) And a jack too :) I found out the tire was flattened by some piece of metal that punctured the treads. I would repair the tire, but that tire was already repaired with a leak on the bendy part. Two tire repairs on one tire doesn't seem worth my money.

I drive the highway to get to work every day and the doughnut is only good for below 80 km/hr so I wanted to get new tires right away. After my doughnut was installed I went to Kal Tire and saw about getting new ones. He could have done the tires today but I needed the car to get to a lawyer's appointment for my mom's estate (what? take the bus? I think not.) So I agreed to drop it off Saturday morning and leave it for the whole day so they can do it in between other jobs. The service adviser showed me the tires that fit my car and after we discarded the idea of performance tires I chose the ones that were labeled as all season but rated for winter. Oh yes our Canadian winters are long and snow is difficult to drive in sometimes. These tires apparently are like having winter tires on your car so there's better traction in the snow, but they also are good for summer. Bye bye extra money.

Something quantum

2011-04-23T14:45:00.001-06:00

S won some tickets to the movies recently so we used them to see Source Code. It's about the military government being able to send a person's consciousness to retrieve information about the last 8 minutes of someone's life. In this case there is a bomb on the train and the person must find the bomber and report back. He is sent back repeatedly to get this information. Some questions arose during the movie which were answered enough for me, a layman in terms of quantum physics, by the end. The concept of the movie also created questions in real life.

For instance, what if we are simply energy or consciousness and have created a world to appear real in order to experience it or take information from it? What if our bodies aren't real, they only feel real because it is the only way for our consciousness to be able to interpret the world we inhabit at this moment? What if we can travel to different planes of existence by moving our consciousness out of this plane and onto another? Would this mean that when our 'body' dies our consciousness is released and carries information to the next stage, plane, existence, realm? Who would have created this world and the rules that our consciousness must follow (gravity, obesity from overeating, bleeding when cut, being born, dying)? Are there other planes with different rules? Will our consciousness remember this realm when/if we move to a different realm?

Could this mean that mental illness is a manifestation of the consciousness not fully arriving on this plane? That maybe a part of the consciousness is tethered to another realm and is unable to fully experience this realm? Or the mentally ill are able to see different planes, realms, existences concurrently with the one we call Earth?

Would all of this mean that dreams are a time when our consciousness downloads the information from Earth to another plane? Our dreams seeming mixed up and weird because several hours of information must be transmitted in minutes? Are we in fact visiting a different realm or plane as we dream? Is one of the rules of our existence here on Earth that we must download or transmit information regularly or the reality we create begins to break down and cause what we call insanity?

Would any of this mean we are interconnected, part of a larger whole, not entirely individuals? To hurt another person then would be hurting our own consciousness? To be merely a part of a mass consciousness where we contribute by reporting our findings as experienced by our unique energy signature? That each of us creates an existence based on what we live through, are influenced by, and are given by others? Is it possible that I was born as who I am because the mass consciousness needs a perspective that only I could provide, and the same could be said for every human being?

If that is the case, then what of animals? Plants? Microbes? Would they also be placed here to learn and report? Are they part of the same consciousness as a whole? Is that what we would describe as reincarnation...to be given different perspectives for further education?

My brain is feels full now.

I will never be on Survivor

2011-04-18T12:27:00.000-06:00

I will never be on Survivor partly because I won't ever apply but also because I really don't do well with starvation.

I had to fast for two full days before my enema and I thought it would be pretty easy. I could have consumme, jello, honey, pop, coffee (no milk), water, Gatorade, Powerade and clear juice so I thought it'd be no big deal. I was so very wrong.

Saturday morning was ok until we went food shopping. This was our regularly scheduled big trip to WalMart where I intended to pick up my yummy fasting options. I did that but also salivated over the baked goods and chocolate. S and I got to the till and I caught myself thinking "Ooo, I'll have an Aero bar when we...no. Yum, pretzels, I can have those at...no. Can't I just have...no." I ended up spending the day obsessing about food and counting the hours till bedtime when I could stop thinking about it. My jaw hurt by the end of the day from clenching it to keep me from eating something. I had no idea that thoughts of food were so ingrained into my life that I don't do anything without considering what to eat. If I'm not eating then I'm planning my next meal, what to make, what we have, what's for dessert. It doesn't help that food is readily available to me so I don't even have to think the whole thought. Before Saturday I would just have a kind of constant image or suggestion of thought that kept my mind busy. Saturday I realized how much time I spend thinking about it.

Sunday was different. My body knew there would be no food so instead of panicking about it, my mind starting fantasizing about what my first meal on Monday would be. All kinds of yummy suggestions were there. Some even healthy! Then I took the laxatives.

Oh boy the bloating, cramping and pain that followed was unbelievable. I kept telling myself that it will be over soon, to do the regimen as prescribed so I wouldn't have to do it twice. But oh my was it terrible. I realized after a while I hadn't thought of food at all. I think my brain was occupied by screaming "Will this ever stop!! What if the bloating doesn't go away!! What if the pain gets worse!!!" Luckily, things got moving and things got better, slowly.

After the enema I could have whatever I wanted to eat but strangely I didn't eat anything at all at first. I was busy trying to shake off the feeling of violation and discomfort. When I did finally eat something I surprised myself by having a little cup of yogurt.

It did occur to me that this would be a good time to adjust my eating habits. To change what I eat and how I think about it. To make healthier choices and whatnot. I'm not holding out hope for any of that as I ate the remainder of the back of Big Turk Bites as I typed this out. I think I hear the pretzels calling...

How violating

2011-04-18T11:58:00.000-06:00

I'm done with the enema and have decided to do just about anything to avoid having another one. Yep, it was that awful. I wondered as I whimpered why I couldn't hear other patients screaming. Did they find it as horrible as I did? At one point I was crying but was so dehydrated from the laxatives that I had no tears. The technician and doctor had to tell me multiple times to slow my breathing down as I was panicking and damn near hyperventilating. It was the longest 20 minutes of my life.

What I didn't know before I went in was that a tube would be inserted into my bum (ok, I knew that part) and then a balloon would be inflated to keep the barium inside. The balloon was the single most uncomfortable feeling in my life and I've had two babies. Once the tube with the balloon were inserted, the balloon was inflated just inside the canal. I suspect there is a bundle of nerve endings right there that gives the signal to push the waste out. I know from experience that when waste hits that bit there is no stopping the motion of expulsion. Unless there's a balloon there to plug things up. Then my entire being was screaming to push it out and doing my best not to push was excruciating. And then the barium was pumped in.

Actually, that part really wasn't so bad at all. It was room temperature and I felt full, but the balloon was taking up all my attention. Even injecting some air in there after letting a bit of the barium out wasn't too bad. A little crampy but nothing compared to the balloon doughnut. Moving around as asked was unbelievably horrendous because my body would shift around the balloon creating a fresh and new Hell.

After we were done the technician released more barium back into the bag before removing the balloon and tube. As much as that hurt because my bum was raw and sore from constant wiping and expelling every last bit of fluid in me, it was a relief to have it gone. I was then taken to a washroom to finish getting rid of most of the barium myself. Another relief. Going into the washroom I caught sight of myself in the mirror and briefly wondered what was on the front/side of my gown. Then I realized it was my boob. I am too short for the design of the gown and it must have gaped open at the ties. The technician and doctor may have been flashed by my 41 year old boobie during the procedure. Probably the least sexy way to see boobs.

I almost don't care what the results are as long as I never have to do that again. Not ever in my lifetime.

Exit only

2011-04-15T14:39:00.001-06:00

I believe I mentioned some time ago that I was suddenly constipated and prune juice was helping quite a bit. Well. The prune juice is starting to not work now. Every once in a while if I am stingy with it and have six ounces instead of seven (it really does taste bad) then I'll be all bunged up. And even on the days I have seven ounces there will be times when I have cement production in my bowels. So I have finally gone to see the doctor about it. After all, it's been about six months now.

My doctor is notoriously difficult to get in for an appointment. Actually, she doesn't take appointments for people who aren't pregnant. Instead I have to phone first thing in the morning and keep calling until I get through. When I eventually get to talk to the receptionist I ask if an appointment is available for that day. Sometimes there is. Sometimes I don't get through in time to book one for that day. My doctor seems to be moving towards an obstetrical practice as she will make prenatal appointments a month in advance. It's frustrating to say the least.

So rather than try to get in to see my doctor I've been doing my best to solve my movement issues on my own. In addition to the backing up I also have an odd pain in my perineum. At first I thought I pulled a groin muscle at work with the heavy lifting, or pushed too hard to get the poop moving, but the pain wouldn't go away. I found a lump down there and was seeing my doctor for my annual physical anyway so I mentioned it to her back in December. She said it was probably a cyst and left it at that. My sister told me later that cysts can be drained and there is no need to live in pain. Hm. Since cysts can also go away on their own, I did nothing else about it. The lump went away (I checked obsessively) but the pain has not. It also has not gotten worse or better at all, although I found Advil took care of the pain enough to continue doing my job.

Finally last Monday I decided to go to the medical clinic that S and my boys go to. They have a female doctor there so I thought I'd see if she could fix what ails me. I was not so lucky. The female doctor wasn't taking any new patients so I settled in to see whoever was available. I got a new doctor that was filling in at the clinic. He was young, fit and well dressed. I told him about the perineum pain and how it's been there about five months now, there was a lump and now it's gone, nothing makes it worse (I figure if it's a hernia then lifting would make it worse) and the pain is constant unless I take Advil. I also mentioned that the crook of my hip inside my pelvis aches when my legs are at a right angle to my torso. He asked other changes so I told him about the poop difficulty and that there was no discomfort or pain associated with it.

Then lucky me got the speculum exam that every woman endures at some point. He did all kinds of swabs but I didn't bother asking what they were for. He also did a digital exam of my lady bits to see if he could feel anything odd or out of place. He couldn't. There is also no visual difference in the area, no bruising or swelling or anything. Next, with a new pair of gloves I got the other digital exam. This has always been an exit only area of my body for me which made the exam very uncomfortable. I was able to distance myself from it enough to wonder how the doctor could possibly spin his two fingers in a complete circle inside me without dislocating his shoulder. He didn't find any lumps or bumps that shouldn't be in there. Which was...good?

What's not so good is that I now have to have a barium enema on Monday. Did I mention the exit only part? Yeah. Not looking forward to this at all. Starting tomorrow morning I'm on a clear fluids diet (no chocolate!) for two days. On Sunday night I'll have to drink a bottle of magnesium citrate which will empty my colon. Quickly and thoroughly. Later that night I also get to take three laxative pills, just in case there's still something in there I guess. I sort of looked up a bit of information on the enema and it looks like they will be putting the barium up there with some air and then take x-rays. I expect I'll feel extremely uncomfortable during the whole thing. I just keep telling myself that I am not the first bum or the last that they will see and that this is part of their daily job.

I'll also have an ultrasound in May to check out my pelvis and I've already gone for the blood work and urine tests the doctor requested. I hope that all the tests find something easy to fix. No cancer please. At the same time I don't want them to find nothing. Something has to be causing the pain and I want it to go away.

Minding my own beeswax

2011-04-06T14:44:00.000-06:00

I think I have officially decided to mind my own damn business at work from now on.

We have some new management (my favorite Big Boss didn't come back-too long of a list of conditions apparently) now that Owner has been let go. We have a new VP in charge of Operations that promoted Maintenance Guy to Operations Manager recently. I know that the transition time will be difficult but I seem to be lacking quite severely in patience and am frustrated with the way things are going.

About two weeks ago we had an incident where one coworker was screaming at another across the floor. Not long before the screamer was making racial comments about the screamee which didn't help at all. I think management should have pulled screamer aside either that very day before she stomped off and punched out for the day, or first thing the next day. Instead it took about a week to discipline screamer as management wanted to check with the Union first to make sure they were handling things properly. When VP came to me while I was in the cooler to tell me (again) his side and why they did things the way they did, I disagreed with him. No big deal. Except he got more and more angry with me about it. His body language was really offensive to me (standing so his side faced me, arm out, palm out to me and patting the air in front of my face) and I felt myself shutting down. He ended up telling me if I had any concerns we should sit down in the office and talk about it. I told him that I'm going to stop doing that. Instead I'll simply do my job and go home every day.

Maybe ten minutes later he came back to me and apologized for his tone. He said he was abrupt and rude (yes indeedy he was) and that was inconsiderate. I thanked him for his apology. He told me he values me being his 'eyes on the floor' and would like me to continue watching things and letting him know what was going on. I didn't respond to that. Instead I thought about it for a while and found that I put way too much emotional energy into the whole thing.

You see, when I watch my coworkers and find their behaviour in need of some adjustment I expect that it'll be adjusted in a way that I agree with. Let's remember here that I have zero authority at work. I am simply the Scaler, nothing more, nor do I want to be anything more. But I do start to get all caught up in how things should be at work. What I remembered after my conversation with VP is that just because I think things need to be done a certain way, that doesn't mean the Bigwigs think the same way I do. And, more importantly, just because something isn't done my way doesn't mean it's wrong, it's just different.

So instead of going to VP with all kinds of ideas on how to handle a situation, or about a situation itself, I think I'll keep my mouth shut unless it directly relates to me doing my job. If it doesn't affect me at all then I will simply look the other way and remind myself that I am not the boss, or the queen, or god. This has worked so far. Mostly I keep repeating 'just do my job, nothing more, nothing less' or 'that's above my pay grade' in my head to stave off the urge to get all consumed by how one person sneaks out for a cigarette or how another is chewing gum.

This is by no means an easy task, but I must remember that I don't rule the world. I find it to be much less stressful when I concentrate on getting my work done instead of watching to see who is taking advantage of what and when.

I'm officially tired of winter

2011-03-27T10:56:00.000-06:00

Ok, I'm ready for spring now. The snow can go ahead and melt away as quickly as possible. Really. I don't mind. Just...go away.

Every year about this time I get sick and tired of looking at snow. We have winter for so long each year (some years as much as six months) that I start to get impatient waiting for the sun to warm the ground and melt the snow. We had a teaser last weekend where I could see the snow melting in rivers out of the snowbank beside my car. But now it's just below zero again so there's not a lot of melting happening. In past years I've even shoveled the snow away from the shady part of the house out into the sunbeam to accelerate things.

Part of the reason I want the snow gone is because I have plans for my garden that I'd like to get started on. We have a stone patio right out the back door that I'm going to modify a bit. The patio is just stone sidewalk tiles and I'm going to take some away from the fence and around the new rose bush. I plan on putting Hyacinths in that space.

Then I'm going to take the tiles and put them in my driveway for extra stability. My driveway is grass/dirt in most places and my landlord won't pave it or allow gravel, but he doesn't mind the sidewalk tiles. Right at the base of the driveway where I park my car is an apparent sinkhole. No matter how many chunks of broken tiles or large rocks I put there, it's still sinking and feels like I drive over a speed bump to get up onto the alley. So I'm thinking that full tiles will fill the hole better than random chunks. Maybe. Or it could be a complete waste of my time and the tiles will sink as well. Either way, I'd like to get started but I still have over a foot of snow covering the tiles.

It really does feel like the snow will never leave, but I know that eventually it will.

Japan

2011-03-14T12:04:00.000-06:00

For the first time in my life I've actually been following the news. But not all the news, just reports on what's happening in Japan and only on CNN.

This surprises me because I'm not a news person at all. I used to watch the evening news but as soon as I realized that they would lead with the goriest or most shocking story I stopped watching. I also grew very tired of being told about some event but then have no followup on it in future broadcasts. So in the past 16ish years I've relied on my newspaper subscription (I can turn the page if I don't want to read of an event, unlike TV news) to keep me up to date on events happening around the world.

But this tragedy in Japan has me mesmerized. Never has any single news event captured my attention like this. I actually went to my TV and found the CNN station to get updates on what's happening. Now whenever I turn on my TV it's the first station I go to before watching anything else. Even this morning since I'm still not working Mondays I gave the kids a ride to school...after watching CNN for a while.

What I have learned is that Japan is better prepared for earthquakes than anywhere else in the world. The foundations of their tall buildings are built so the building can move with the shaking of the Earth in order to absorb the shock and cause little damage. All the children are trained on what to do in an earthquake and schools over one storey have slides for easy escape. Japan even has the best early warning system for earthquakes so the population can be alerted and get ready for it.

I think it is the combination of the earthquake and tsunami that has crippled Japan. And even 'crippled' isn't the right word here. They don't seem immobilized, just temporarily blocked. Although it seems odd that they wouldn't have taken the combination of tsunami and earthquake into consideration as something to watch for in the past. From what I can gather the tsunami was caused by the earthquake. Maybe Japan isn't used to this particular kind of earthquake? Maybe they thought the odds of the two major events happening within 30 minutes of each other infinitesimal? I don't know.

What is also interesting is how the Japanese seem to be reacting. Maybe it can be chalked up to social customs, but they aren't running around screaming and wailing. There doesn't seem to be any major panic or general disorientation. Instead they appear to be quietly accepting the events and getting ready to move on when they can. The stores are running out of supplies as expected. Not from looting as we'd hear about in the States, but from people buying supplies in case of further emergency.

The nuclear plants do frighten me quite a bit. I can't imagine cities building them if they weren't safe and protected by multiple backup systems but they still scare me. I don't know how much radiation it would take to seriously hurt people in Japan or worldwide and the news reports haven't really answered that question. I haven't heard any 'worst case' scenarios on CNN and am left to wonder what could happen if the plant is not contained in time. Will the wind carry radiation over the ocean to me in Canada? Or even the relatively short distance to China, Korea or Russia? Chernobyl didn't effect us here in Canada at all (that I know of) so I guess I can assume that Japan won't either. I hope.

W00T!! Tax refunds rule

2011-03-12T13:59:00.000-07:00

We are proud new owners of Galaxy Tabs! Usually I spend my tax refund on something practical like bills. Well, one year I bought my car, but usually it goes to debt. This year I thought it would be cool to have a treat for all of us. S and I got the Tabs, T got cash to go towards his post secondary, J got some video games and J's GF got some new makeup treats. And because I live in a world where all is equal in terms of giving things to my kids, the leftover money from J and GF spending went into their savings account. They are saving money for when they move out so they can set up their own apartment. Ok, and they are saving to buy 'stuff' for 420. Our city allows for people to celebrate 420 on the legislature grounds peacefully. Yes, I am aware J and GF are underage, but that's an entirely different post for a different day.

Moving along, S had been wanting an iPad since he first heard of it mainly because it's a gadget and he does love his electronic gadgets. But the price was far too high and it didn't really seem to do what I would expect it to do. Like run Adobe flash so he couldn't play his Facebook games on it. Anyway, because the price was so high it was always put pretty low on the Want List. And then Samsung came out with the Galaxy Tab.

It has a 7" screen instead of iPad's 10" screen, but it runs Flash games and has programmable software (Android). While the Galaxy doesn't have many of the cool apps that iPad has, they still have a considerable selection. And unlike iPad, the Galaxy can be upgraded as new software becomes available. I think. S described it to me as this way: a PC or Android is like this with hardware and software (he holds up two closed fists next to each other). You can upgrade the hardware (moves one fist up) or the software (moves other fist up) independently of each other. Apple is more like this (interlocks fingers of both hands into one large fist). Software and hardware are linked. But because of market demand they have just barely started to change (shows considerable effort in moving one finger out of the interlocking fist and holds it up crookedly, but still interlocked). I prefer the idea that I can upgrade the software but keep the actual Tab instead of buying a new one.

So far I've found it very easy to use and the touch screen is more sensitive than I thought it would be. When touch screens came out I remember having a problem with them because of the calluses on the tips of my fingers. The screen couldn't read my touch as easily. The screen on the Tab is almost too sensitive for what I'm used to but I'll get used to it.

I bought a little carrying case for mine so I can take it to work and show two people what I mean when I talk about Llamas with Hats. These two women don't have computers at home so it's difficult to explain some things to them. It'll be easy to show them now :) S bought a nice cover for his Tab from Future Shop with a gift card he received for his birthday. Now his is well protected for when he takes it to work, and it can also be propped up for easier hands-free viewing.

One app that I would like to see is Winamp's Milkdrop or something similar. What a way to zone out while waiting for something, listening to music while watching color move to the music.

Cats...with thumbs

2011-03-04T15:25:00.000-07:00

I love this commercial!

Finally got things in order

2011-02-18T14:48:00.000-07:00

We finally have our exercise room up and running in the house. When J's girlfriend moved in we put them in the large room in the basement and just shoved the equipment into a corner. I'd been wanting to run on the treadmill but it wasn't possible with it being in their bedroom. Well, I suppose I could've done that but it might have been awkward for J and GF. It took a while, but S and I finally cleaned up the other two rooms in the basement and got things in order.

One room became our storage area because we don't have a garage. The landlord won't put one up because it'll raise his land taxes. Considering my rent is about half the market value, I told him I'd pay the extra in rent but he still wouldn't do it. So now the kitchen downstairs is a sort of an indoor garage.

The room next to it is supposed to be a bedroom and is directly underneath our bedroom. That is now our exercise room. The elliptical, treadmill and Bowflex fit ok in there. It's a bit squishy but not too bad. I also have the exercise ball in there and at some point I'll consider putting a TV and media center/dvd player in there to follow workout programs. I still keep my Bosu ball and kettle bells in the living room upstairs.

GF has been pointing out her 'chub' as she puts it (she's less than 120 lbs but I remember feeling fat at that age too) so I told her she could use the equipment whenever she wanted, just please use it responsibly. A couple of nights ago J and GF did use it and I realized this may be a problem as I was already in bed and could hear the thump-thump-thumping of J running on the treadmill directly below us. Then I realized I would really rather hear the exercise stuff being used below me than have the two of them use that room as their bedroom, so I will learn to like it.

You know what else I learned? That I won't get skinny simply owning the equipment...I have to actually use it on occasion :)

Probably TMI

2011-02-06T09:54:00.000-07:00

For most of my young life I had what I thought were irritable bowels. I'd get diarrhea at the drop of a hat and became intimately familiar with which cramps were immediate warnings and which were merely setting the stage for later discomfort. And I'm realizing now that most of my life at that point was lived in a constant state of fear, which didn't really do anything to help the stress related runny poops.

Then my gall bladder was removed when I was 27 and the nastiness of my gastrointestinal tract magically disappeared. I was regular for the first time since pregnancy. No more sudden rushes to the loo, no more carrying Imodium wherever I went, no more aching cramps. And by regular I don't mean every day, no not me, I could go as long as four days without any discomfort at all. As a matter of fact, if it'd been four days I would simply think about how long it'd been since my last poop and that would get my colon reactivated. Within a few hours my colon would get the job done easily. No pushing, fussing, pain or mess. I simply sat down, did my business, and carried on with my day. Now I've reached another milestone.

You see, since sometime in the late summer or fall of last year I've felt all bunged up. I am not accustomed to having to work to empty my bowels so this was an unpleasant surprise. Thinking I wasn't getting enough water in my diet I drank much more. This didn't really help much. I thought I needed more roughage in my diet so I bought more fruits and veggies. This sort of helped, but not really. Then my mom died and I didn't have the energy to really examine why my large intestine was creating cement for me to pass. About the same time I started taking EMPowerplus which is a collection of vitamins and minerals. This concoction definitely did not help the blockage situation.

Just about this time my sister was also going through some difficulties with her waste elimination system and I panicked for both of us. She turned out to be just fine, thank goodness, but I started to think something could be seriously wrong with me. Then I remembered that I'm 40 and at any time could begin to experience the symptoms of perimenopause. This is where the woman's body has symptoms of menopause but is still having her period and it could last for up to 13 or 14 years before menopause. Some research on the Internet told me that yes indeedy constipation is a symptom for some women.

My response was to start buying prune nectar. I remember from my baby boys that a little bit of this stuff helps ease the poop down the tunnel and out the door. Since I have three doses of EMPowerplus a day, two mixed with 8oz juice one with 8oz milk, I put a little prune nectar in with the juice doses. Yes, this really actually did help a little bit. I didn't feel like I was giving birth and push, push, push. It still took way too long to get the job done though. Things just weren't traveling down the path easily. So I decided to take one dose of EMPowerplus with just the prune juice and water, roughly half and half. This was not tasty. This was gag-inducing. However, if it works I will continue to turn my taste buds off and drink it down.

If the prune nectar doesn't work then I may have to actually visit a doctor. That part isn't too bad...but I'll have to give a stool sample. I'm quite certain I do not want to have to handle my poop in any manner. I'll do it, but only as a last resort. Until then, let's raise a glass of prune nectar and hope for the best. Gag.

Thinking about life and death

2011-01-27T15:21:00.000-07:00

I don't normally read short stories, but I was reading Anthony Doerr's collection titled Memory Wall recently and one phrase stuck with me. The story surrounding the phrase was about a Holocaust survivor getting to the end of her life. She talked about dying three different deaths, the third death being: "...everyone who knew us when we were children has died. And when the last one of them dies, we finally die." I heard something resonate inside me but it was too distant to grab onto at the time.

Then one day I was at work sifting cocoa and letting my mind go off in whatever direction it chose when I was struck by a thought so deafening it stopped me in my tracks. It occurred to me that it's possible that when I die there will be...nothing. No consciousness, no afterlife, no spirit to watch my boys live their lives, nothing. And then I thought, if there is nothing then where do I go? Does it mean that I just...end? That I will have no more thoughts or feelings?

This nothingness disturbed me on a few levels. First because I had always assumed I'd get a second chance at stuff. Want to be a cheerleader? Maybe my next time around, thanks. How about taking a risk and moving across the country? Hmmm, not this time. Or how about choosing a better man to have kids with? Yeah, something for the next time. But there is no next time. I won't get another chance at living my life as me. And I think I knew that intellectually, but I didn't wholly accept that concept until I was struck motionless at work.

Second is the idea that because of the way my mom treated me and my sisters, I would like there to be nothing for my mom now that she's dead. No haunting, no hanging around, no spirit watching over me, just nothing. I want that partly because I feel a fair bit of remorse for not being a good enough daughter, that I didn't try to strengthen our relationship, that I didn't do anything to really make my mom feel welcome or loved throughout her life. I know in my head that I did the best I could with her and that she was an extremely difficult person. But somehow my mind keeps romanticizing her and turning the guilt onto me for not being 'enough' instead of turning it on her for not being more accepting and loving. If there is nothing after death then I feel like I can set her down and stop carrying her around as my personal Burden Backpack. But then, if there is nothing after death for my mom...then there is nothing after death for me too. And that idea really bothers me.

Thirdly, when my dad died I had a dream of helping him across the river. He was content to be going there and I felt immense relief because of that. I think that I was thinking my dad's soul moved to whatever is next after our time here on Earth. That maybe he would live a different life where he was loved more and had more opportunities for happiness. I felt secure and comfortable in the thought that his spirit exists somewhere and is free of pain. I also thought that when I die my spirit or soul will move on to the next chapter, maybe even remember the lessons I learned during this life. But if I feel like if there's an afterlife for my dad...then there must be one for my mom. And I don't want her to live on in a different way. I feel like she'll come and do her best to make me feel bad at every available opportunity. And I think that I don't feel she deserves to be free of her pain as she caused so much pain and needs to be accountable for doing that. But she killed herself and removed herself from all accountability and that is maddeningly frustrating.

So in order to continue believing that my soul will go to the next level or chapter after Earth, I feel like I must accept that my mom's soul has done the same. And deal with the resentment I have over her being selfish and mean and getting a 'do over' of sorts. And deal with the guilt from feeling resentment because honestly, she wasn't all bad all the time. She did love me as much as she could...I guess she wasn't 'enough' for me and who am I to judge? If I get to judge my mom by her actions and not her intentions, then my boys get to judge me by the same measuring stick. If I am allowed some latitude in making mistakes with child rearing then so is my mom and every other mother out there.

The glimmer of an idea that is starting to form is that while my mom's soul might have been good, the body she was given was flawed. Her brain chemistry created a difficult universe for her soul to inhabit. I've always believed that we live a symbiotic life, that our souls are given a body in order to experience life on Earth. Now I see that there is no guarantee of that body being ideal physically or mentally.

An insightful documentary

2011-01-21T16:33:00.000-07:00

This post contains subject matter that may offend some readers

I watched a documentary titled The Perfect Vagina after my younger sister V mentioned it. The documentary discusses how some women - even teens - are getting surgery to make the labia smaller. For reference, the labia is the inside set of lips of a lady's bits. Now, before V mentioned this I'd heard about it being done on a show called Vanity Insanity. The woman featured had birthed three children and didn't like how her labia now hung down farther than she liked. The concept didn't faze me much, I thought of it like a tummy tuck or removing the fat pad above the eye. But something about Perfect Vagina stopped me in my tracks. I'd never considered having my labia sliced off as a cosmetic procedure, just as a restoration procedure. And before viewing that episode I'd never considered it as a potential surgery at all.

Perfect Vagina featured women as young as 16 getting it done so they can look like other girls. Well...how many women have looked at another woman's bits? How do they know what 'normal' is? Then it struck me. The Internet is showing them lots of private parts. As I am not a connoisseur of Internet porn and haven't really viewed all that much of it, I asked S why teens would think that the 'tucked in' look was normal. With such a wide selection of porn available, surely many different vaginas would be featured, right? Well, not really, he said. The most featured would be the favorite or preferred look. Like shaved vaginas right now or hairy ones of the '70s. Ok, so the tucked in look is preferred right now I guess.

What also occurred to me is that most little girls labias are more tucked in as they aren't mature yet. Puberty does many interesting things to lady bits, including changing the labia to be larger, droopier, or more wrinkled. Like everywhere else on a girl's body, age takes away the layer of collagen or fat that is present until puberty. So I wonder, is it true that the plethora of porn at your fingertips has made women feel insecure about their parts, or were women always insecure about them? I have never discussed this particular body part with any female friend, ever, and not even with my sisters until very recently. Is this something women do now? How normal is it for teen girls to judge their attractiveness based on how closely their vagina resembles someone else's? I suppose this is the same issue with breast implants & reductions, tummy tucks and plastic surgery in general.

The other thing that struck me is that it's common knowledge that a man may feel insecure about his penis size or shape. I've never questioned this attitude and have been known to compensate for it in a man's behaviour sometimes, mostly assuming this is just what women did. Men are sensitive about it, so take care not to make fun of it in any way has been my motto. I've even told my boys on several occasions that every penis is shaped differently, is thicker or thinner, longer or shorter, has a different skin tone sometimes, circumcised or not, bends in one direction or not, and that all of that is normal. That whatever they have is just fine and on par with the rest of the world. Has this worked in raising their self esteem or made them more secure? I have no idea. That's for their lovers to find out. But that same discussion about vaginas wouldn't have occurred to me if I'd had a daughter.

Anyway, women joke about tiny penises on men not being enough for them and that girth counts more than length. When I was dating S we were in a group that met for wings once a week. One man enlightened me by saying it's not all about the man's penis. Some women are like a narrow road and some women are like a four lane highway. This was my introduction to the idea that maybe it's the woman that's too large for the man, not the man being too small for the woman. I hadn't given much thought to my own bits as they were simply...my bits. I haven't attached any value or worth onto how my nethers look or feel to a man. It's a part of me and if the man doesn't like it he can just go away. I really thought other women thought the same of their private parts. I had no idea that men were making women feel bad by laughing at their labias or making fun of them in general as this documentary seemed to indicate.

Perfect Vagina also gave some light to women learning to like their vaginas, which is a good thing. But I never really considered that it would be a necessary thing. Definitely some new pathways were forged in my newly expanded brain after this documentary.

Finally, my brain is quiet

2011-01-14T20:32:00.000-07:00

Some time ago I started thinking about using some kind of medication for the Bipolar Disorder. I was tired of knowing that my thoughts and attitudes change depending on which chemicals are currently bathing my brain. And it was getting really exhausting trying to keep up with how I was feeling and doing my best to stay on an even keel. What prompted me into action was my mom dying.

My mom was on Seroquel, Cipralex and some others. She would go off these two randomly to try to lose weight so she could feel better about herself. But then she would feel the withdrawl and go back on them. Then she would take a bit too much of the Seroquel in order to live in a fog. I don't know for sure, but I suspect that her inconsistent medicating partly led to her death. I think that if she stayed on her medicine it would have done more to even her out than going off, on, off, on. So when she died I decided that I need to be in one frame of mind and not three (Up, Down and Middle) and that whatever I chose to take I need to give it time to work and follow the instructions for use.

What I decided on was EMPowerplus by Truehope. I'd tried this stuff a few years ago but it made me so nauseous that I stopped taking it. Well, I was also afraid of the cost at around $150/month and thought I wouldn't be able to afford it. So this time around I decided to take the EMPowerplus in powder form thinking that it would be easier to digest. Instead of taking capsules, I mix the powder with juice or milk. I also searched the Truehope message boards and found that most people said the nausea went away after a while. And you know what? They were right :)

I started taking it about a month ago and am amazed by how well it seems to work. It took a while to get used to the taste and how to mix it without creating lumps though. Really, it was quite disgusting drinking it with chunkies. The first thing I noticed was the anxiety went away. This is anxiety I didn't even know I had! All the time I was thinking 'am I behaving well? Am I too loud? Was that the right thing to do? What if that doesn't work out? How will I fix it? What if she doesn't like me? Did I offend my boss? Am I a good parent? Should I allow that?' and so on. All these phrases and many more would zip through my head all day, every day. Like a constant white noise machine personalized just for me. I noticed this first when I was watching TV and it occurred to me that my mind was completely quiet. The only thing I was hearing was the show with no background noise. It was weird, but good :)

Then I noticed that I don't get nearly as angry as I used to. What would normally have irritated me I was able to just brush off. I could let things go much easier than I used to. S also commented that I was laughing and giggling more than ever. I was finding things to be delightful instead of sharply Great! or Fabulous! Overall I'd have to say I feel calmer and more capable of trusting myself to make decisions that are best for me instead of frantically trying to please everyone around me and hope I'm doing the right thing. I finally feel like I can live my life without an undercurrent of panic and finally relax into who I really am :)

Change is in the air

2011-01-07T15:46:00.000-07:00

I haven't talked much about work lately, but remember I have a micromanaging bully for a boss that is also the owner? Ok, well I found out that she's not technically the owner. There are shares in the company and she and her husband are Founders. While her husband had more shares than she did, she kept the label 'owner' and her husband had the title 'President'. Well. Apparently her husband's office is empty, cleaned out, vacated. I suspected there were problems in their relationship but couldn't really pin anything down. It turns out he left her.

I was really quite worried about this as he was President and if he's not there than what would happen to the company? Owner is awful at public relations so I couldn't imagine her taking his position. I found out through someone else that he didn't really do much, he was more of a pretty face and his duties were easily distributed to the rest of the administration staff. And then we had a meeting.

Yesterday we were all called to the main production area where Accountant was standing with three people I didn't recognize. Earlier in the day Salesman was showing some woman around and allowing her to take photos of the plant. So this meeting just compounded my curiosity. We were introduced to these people. One is now the New Owner. He bought out President's shares in the company and is now the majority shareholder. He has been a shareholder for about 27 years he said and wanted, well, a job. He gave himself the title of President and assured us this was all amicable and that Old President is happy with the arrangement so all is good. The other man is from our Ontario office (we have offices in Ontario and Vancouver I think), has been with the company for about twenty years and is a new director on the Board.

New Owner went on to introduce us to his daughter, also a new director. I recognized her as the one taking photos. She has been involved with major corporations like Cadbury and the people that make RayBan sunglasses and has negotiated with places like France to have English companies in the market. Apparently that's difficult to do. We were also told there is another director who couldn't be there as he was recovering from surgery. This absent one is responsible for creating and building Direct Energy (a major gas company that bought out ATCO here) and for conceptualizing and building the Alliance Pipeline.

New Owner assured us that our positions are stable and to let him worry about all the 'politicking' involved in this new structure. Sure. Ok. He then told us that with his new Board of Directors they are going to investigate the company to see where some improvements can be made. It's been a very tough two years (still on four days a week) and they want to know why the business isn't doing as well as it could, and to implement changes to get us back to being busy and successful again. Sounds good, but scary.

We were called for a meeting again today. New Owner wants to keep us informed of the changes that are being made, he said. Less than an hour before, he and his Board terminated Micromanaging Bully's position. While she's still a shareholder, she no longer is employed by the company. It took an amazing amount of restraint to not applaud or grin from ear to ear. I could see many others struggling with the same restraint.

New Owner then told us that Accountant has now been appointed as CFO of the company and Salesman is now Vice-President in charge of Operations. Another employee also told me that she suggested to CFO that we hire the Big Boss back as he was excellent at running the plant. He quit because of Micromanager and hasn't been replaced even though we badly need some kind of middle management on the production floor. CFO said they are working on it!

While I know that all this change is going to be stressful, I'm hoping it's going to be a positive kind of stress. I do like my job, although I swear things have become heavier in recent times, but I've been looking for a new one for a while. Micromanager created such a poisonous environment that I'd decided it wasn't worth my mental health trying to make it work. But now with this new hierarchy I think I'll stick around for a bit and see what's what :)

Advice from Princesses

2010-12-31T17:16:00.000-07:00

lolololol

Oh, I see the difference now

2010-12-23T08:08:00.000-07:00

I think I figured out part of the reason I'm dealing with my mom's death differently than my dad's. I was expecting both of them to die but somehow I have a very difficult time associating the word 'dead' with my mom although I have no problems associating it with my dad.

With my dad I knew he was going in for a major operation at that he may not come out of it alive. A few days before his surgery I sent him an email thanking him for passing on his work ethic to me, his reverence of Mother Nature to me and the drop of cynicism that colored his vision also colors mine so I don't feel too gullible. Also, several years beforehand we were talking and he told me he knew he wasn't the best dad in the world. I had that opportunity to tell him I'd forgiven him years before for that. When my dad went in for his surgery I was honestly a bit surprised when I was told he was in recovery. I really thought he'd die on the table. As it was he died a few days later, after I'd been able to look at him and privately tell him I loved him, even though he wasn't conscious. There was a lot of opportunity for closure for me.

With my mom, her death was a bit of a surprise. She'd been making Christmas plans, had purchased gifts and made plans for when my sister comes up for her visit. While I knew she was depressed and lonely I really thought she was getting a bit better. When I did occasionally think of a good way my mom impacted me, I didn't at any point feel like I could safely tell her how I felt. She was mean a lot of the time and manipulative. I'd learned over the years not to give her ammunition and so I kept what was important to me close to my chest. I would have liked to tell her how she shaped me in a positive way...but I felt like she would have resented the statement, taken offense at it thinking it was a veiled insult, or would have been sad over it because it wasn't what she'd intended to happen. The memories I have are tarnished by how much she hurt me in the later years. And now I feel bad that she felt lonely because I pulled away because she acted like she didn't like me.

So while I feel like my dad's death is compartmentalized into files that are stored safely in a cabinet, I feel like my mom's death is a large pile of stinking crap. I know there are good bits and pieces in that pile, but I have to dig to find them and they emerge stinky and dirty. Maybe some day I'll be able to separate the crap from the good bits and store things away in boxes. But for now it hurts to find a good bit and it hurts to look at the pile.

Lady bits

2010-12-21T07:33:00.000-07:00

I went to my doctor for my annual physical yesterday, one of those things I'd avoid if I could but the doctor won't write prescriptions for more than one year of birth control pills. While I was there she asked me how I was doing so I said I was stressed. She asked why and I told her my mom died at the beginning of the month. She asked how my mom died and I told her it was suicide at which point the doctor stopped in the middle of her typing to ask my mom's name. You see, my doctor is in the same practice as my mom's doctor. I could tell they'd talked amongst themselves about my mom but didn't really want to admit that to me.

As usual for me I felt the need to justify things a bit and told my doctor that my mom had been hoarding her medications for years but we didn't know. And while we knew she was suicidal we didn't really know for sure she'd make an attempt now. I really thought that since she made it past the first year after my dad died that she'd be around for a while. I didn't realize her depression was deepening, I thought it leveled out.

Anyway, I asked my doctor to put me on a lighter dose of birth control pills as I am on one of the heavier varieties and have been for more than half my life now. Every month I get migraines for about two days and I'm really really tired of it. I found out that the migraines are caused by the sudden drop in estrogen from the Pill and so I figured a lighter dose would keep the migraines at bay. The doctor agreed but also told me that women who get migraines on the Pill are more likely to have a stroke. Well. That's just unacceptable.

She asked me if I was planning on ever having children again, to which I responded with an emphatic NO. I am done with babies. I love my boys dearly but have zero desire to start all over again with parenting. The doctor then suggested that I get my tubes tied, that way I'd be permanently unable to have kids and I don't have to worry about the side effects of the Pill.

My main concern with that was the recovery period. Last I'd heard it would take about six weeks before normal activity can begin again. And I have a job with a huge amount of heavy lifting so I thought I'd be out of commission for a long time. It turns out that they tie tubes using laproscopic surgery like they did with my gall bladder. She said that some women are able to return to work the next day with no problems. So I said 'what the hell, sign me up!' She'll contact the OB/GYN for a consultation about it and let me know. Because my job involves so much lifting I figure I'll just take my vacation time beginning on the date of the surgery so I have lots of time to recover and rebuild my strength.

It doesn't solve my main reason I'm on the Pill though. S is fixed because he didn't want kids and I wanted to go off the Pill. But the Pill regulates my period. I like knowing exactly when it'll arrive and for how long. I feel like I'm far too old to be surprised by a visit from Mother Nature. Oh well, I suppose I was going to have to deal with that eventually anyway. And even though S is fixed I'm still nervous about not having any kind of birth control at all. I feel like my incredibly fertile egg will somehow manage to coax one measly sperm to it. I know, silly and unrealistic. But whatever. This way there will be absolutely no chance of any babies at all ever. I am definitely ok with that.

Got some loose ends tied up

2010-12-11T18:17:00.001-07:00

Well, we got my mom's apartment all cleaned out in the past week. My sister's boyfriend had the right suggestion when he told us to stop treating the apartment like someone lives there. Before that we were looking at stuff by kind of putting it back. After that we really got going on sorting stuff. While it was hard, it was also easy. Both my sisters and I brought our partners so there were six of us in my mom's little bachelor suite but we managed to mostly stay out of each others way. Well, I think so anyway. We left some of her larger items like the TV, chair and new davenport for someone else. While talking to one of the maids we learned that some families just drop off their family members with only clothes. So at least the items we left will go to good use.

Talking to the maid we also learned that my mom seemed chatty and generally cheery. It was a shock for them to discover my mom killed herself and that she was sad and lonely for a very long time. The maid told me that one gay man wandered into the rental office bawling his eyes out over my mom's death. My mom never mentioned this man, having talked to him, or having built any kind of friendship with him. I must remember for the rest of my life that no matter how crappy I feel there is someone out there I've had a positive impact on, whether I know it or not.

Now everything is at a kind of standstill. I called everyone that needs calling. I've canceled her accounts. The rental office said the policy is to give 30 days notice to leave so we may not be reimbursed for December's rent. Hm. I would like to argue that death doesn't give notice and if the suite can be rented by the middle of the month then we should get a rebate. But that seems very much like a hassle. I can't do anything else with her estate until I receive a bunch of documents. I'll need T4s for taxes and forms for life insurance. Those will be in the mail soonish.

The biggest problem is that my mom didn't name an executor for her estate. While my sisters and I are still talking to each other at the moment, it does cause a fair bit of tension when decisions need to be made that we don't all agree on. So far I've been the one taking care of most things. Both my sisters seemed more shaken by my mom's death than I felt I was and it would have been in bad form to just dump the stuff on them. So I did most of it. Luckily her estate really isn't too complicated as she didn't have assets, investments or property to divide up. I don't know why my mom didn't name an executor, but the only thing I can think of is that she was well aware of our personalities and how we clash sometimes. She used to drive wedges between us while she was alive and when we caught on we started informing each other of communication with my mom. That way she couldn't control us or manipulate us as easily. I see this executor thing as her final wedge between us. Thanks mom.

My mom was cremated and my older sister took her ashes. Again, we are fortunate not to have any arguments over that. I've heard some horror stories about that. Mom's wishes were to have her body donated to the university's Department of Anatomy but they wouldn't take her because she was obese. She weighed 336 lbs and was 5'2". I will do my damndest to not end up like that. Her second plan was to be cremated so that's what we did. My sister plans to put her ashes in her flower garden of her new house which I think is wonderful as my mom enjoyed gardening.

I went back to work yesterday after being off for five days and it actually felt good. I felt useful and productive and needed. More people gave me hugs than I expected and all were shocked about the cause of death. Some didn't really know how to react so I just told them that she was so deeply sad and lonely, especially since my dad died, and mentally ill as well. That helped them I think. Many people were happy to see me again just because I do my job very well and that was very evident when I wasn't there. The person that took over was badly organized and it affected nearly everyone negatively. So I had co-workers looking conflicted - they were happy to see me but sad for my mom dying so suddenly. It also felt good to get back into my normal routine a bit.

I was doing my food shopping and errands today and the malls and stores were crowded. Whenever a large, short, older woman was near I thought "mom? why are you here?" and then saw it wasn't her and remembered she died. I imagine that will happen for a while.

And now I'm an orphan

2010-12-03T06:42:00.000-07:00

The police came to my door last night asking if they may come in, would I like to sit down. Why would I need to sit down, I said, thinking is this finally about my mom? And it was.

My mom died either early yesterday morning or late the night before. She'd been saving her medications for years, rotating the stock so the freshest ones were in her stash. This time, she took enough to die.

She'd tried to kill herself many times by doing this but hadn't been successful until now. About ten years ago she slipped on the ice and landed on her forehead and wrists. Both wrists were broken and her personality shifted. Before that she was a little crazy, dealing with service and sales people very rudely and unkindly. Her attitude and opinions were a bit weird or 'out there' but mostly grounded in reality. When she hit her head it was like the sane part of her became the minority and the crazy part took over. Suicide attempts became her way of dealing with stress, sort of like a reset button. But to my knowledge she hadn't attempted anything since my dad died almost two years ago.

When my dad died my mom lost her only anchor in the world. My sisters and I had been hurt and manipulated by her for years and were all pulling away. She had no friends that I know of, nor did she for the time I knew her. So my dad was the only person that kept a kind of tether from her to the rest of the world. When my mom made it past the year mark of my dad's death I thought maybe she'd learned how to function in the world without him and may be around for a while.

My mom left a note for us basically saying that she was lonely and sad and tired of being that way. Oddly, this gave me comfort because maybe now she will finally be out of the prison that her mind had become. Maybe now she will finally be out of pain, emotional or otherwise. She could have sought help, she was under the care of a psychiatrist for years, but she seemed unwilling to make the changes she needed to or participate in her therapy. She did go to group therapy but if I remember correctly she was asked to leave because of her poor behaviour. Cognitive behaviour therapy may have helped but again, willingness to change would have been the key to success and she refused to acknowledge that.

I had been doing what I could to reach out to my mom but only a little. I was easily drawn in to her manipulations and would get hurt over and over. So I was keeping contact minimal and on my terms. When I did see or talk to her I was pleasant, smiling, accepting and kind. But I also held back from giving her too much. I kept thinking that I should do more for her or be closer to her but then I knew I would become her anchor and I wasn't ready for that kind of commitment.

My mom before the slip on the ice was my best friend while I was a teen and young adult. While she didn't fit into society neither did I, and it gave me comfort to know that I wasn't alone. I could talk to her about anything, and truly be myself because whatever judgment she handed down I was raised with and therefore accustomed to. It wasn't until her first suicide attempt that I realized our relationship was unhealthy for me. Her manipulation was put into sharp focus and I saw that I was being damaged by her behaviour. After several suicide attempts I became cold and hard to her, and only warmed up after my dad's death. And even then I was still frozen on the inside.

In her letter my mom said that my sisters and I hadn't ever forgiven her for her mistakes and that we would have forgiven our dad if she'd died first. Thanks for the last dig there, mom. Please don't assume to know what I would have felt or done if things had been different. My response is only that you cannot treat people poorly and have them still be available to you when you want.

I miss the mom I used to have. I miss her intelligence and humor. I miss her perception of the world, I miss having someone to talk to that understood me completely. I miss the feeling of acceptance she gave me. I miss feeling like at least one person knows what it's like to be on the outskirts of society. I don't miss the way she took all of that and created a prison for me where she let me think she was the only person in the world that could understand. That the world outside of our family was difficult, improper, hard and...wrong. The mom I miss died a decade ago when she hit her head. Her final death throes just took ten years.

Stray

2010-11-26T15:17:00.000-07:00

Well, I've taken in a stray. J's girlfriend is staying with us now. The two of them live in the big room in the basement like a couple. Sigh. I really never considered ever doing this. When they were little I never gave this kind of future much thought, but here it is anyway.

J was spending a lot of time at GF's house as I mentioned before but last weekend GF's mom told J he's not welcome any more. According to her, J told her younger daughter (GF's sister) not to come home that night. Then the sister got hit by a car and broke her neck, shoulder, arm and foot (she's doing ok and released from the hospital after a few days). So now J isn't welcome in the house because if he hadn't told the sister not to come home, she wouldn't have been hit by the car. J and GF tell me that J told sister not to bring This Guy home as he's not a good guy and mom gave sister $20 knowing that sister would find a way to buy alcohol with it and black out. Oh yeah, sister is 12 years old.

So anyway, I agreed with the mother that J isn't welcome there, he has no right to say who comes and goes out of that house. While I was on the phone with the mother she told me that GF and J are inseparable (true) and I can take GF too, she'd sign over the rights and everything. Um. Ok. I'm definitely not ready to have a teenage daughter, but thanks. I didn't tell the mother what I'd decided, but told GF she can stay here under three conditions: no drugs or alcohol in the house, no smoking in the house, and she has to go to school. She agreed.

Then she skipped school. J and GF said it was too cold. Ok, it was in the -25C range but really, this is Alberta, they should be used to it. I looked at GF's thin little hoodie and asked her if that was the warmest coat she had. It was. Her shoes had holes too. So we went shopping where I bought her a warm hoodie, shoes (I've given up on getting teens to wear boots), condoms and various other little things. Now there are no excuses. They skipped again. I flipped out. I was very unpleasant when I informed J that GF will have to move out if they skip again. Because the school can't release info about GF to me as I'm not her guardian, I will go by whether or not J attends. He skips, she moves out that same day.

On the upside, I've seen more of J than I have in months. He's even eating dinner with us! For now.

So tired

2010-11-20T15:16:00.000-07:00

I have been so tired lately. Last week at work it felt like I had to lean into a strong wind just to walk from one place to another. My body just didn't want to move anywhere at all. And my job involves very heavy lifting - as much as 2000 kg a day in 20 kg increments. This week I felt like I was living on a plante where the gravity is twice as strong as Earth, making everything so much heavier than normal. Many times I just wanted to sit down and cry from frustration at not being able to go fast or even normal pace at work.

I've been getting enough sleep at night, going to bed on time and sleeping that extra half hour, and sleeping well. But today I took a three hour nap after eight hours of solid sleep last night! I don't nap usually, it screws with my night sleep.

Since I'm big on self-diagnosis, I figure part of the tiredness could be from Mother Nature reminding me that I am a woman last week, or the iron pills I'm taking are no longer effective, or stress from the drama at work (and the idea that it's incredibly slow right now and it's our busy season leads me to think - what will it be like during our slow season in Feb?), or the stress from making sure J has a place to go to school...and that he attends school, or I'm coming down with something nasty.

As for sickness, well, I'm lucky that way. The last flu I had that included body aches, wet chest cough and stuffiness was about five years ago. It was when I started this job. The last tummy flu I had that involved actual vomiting was about ten years ago, when I first got my driver's license. I remember it clearly because I was with the boys at WalMart and it was my first winter of driving. I got the three of us home safely before walking calmly to the bathroom to eject my stomach contents, denying that I was even sick the entire time. I really hate that part of being sick. I would make a horrible anorexic.

Not to say I haven't been sick over the years. If a flu is going around I may have a stuffy nose one day, body aches another day, a rattly chest the third day. But nothing all at once where I'm knocked out for a while. If tummy troubles are going around I remind my body that food leaving through the front door isn't an option and so I may feel a little nauseous but that's it.

I'm seeing my doctor next month for my annual physical - what girl doesn't love that - if I'm still really tired I'll ask her about it then. Maybe I'm just getting old :)

Education

2010-11-19T16:59:00.001-07:00

My younger sister V is going to University for a biology course in order to keep her mind busy. Unlike both my sisters and my mom, I have no post secondary education at all and I have no idea what I'd even be interested in. So I decided to do what I remember V doing many, many years ago: she went through the course calendar (?) and circled all the courses that looked interesting. If my memory serves me correctly, most of the courses that interested her fell into the Anthropology category. She ended up getting her teaching degree with that background. I think.

I have also been thinking of upgrading or taking courses of interest, and while I was on the website for our local University I saw myself on a boat. A little rowboat. All the information about post secondary institutions from courses to registration to fees to degrees were also on rowboats. Each bit of information had it's own boat. Every boat was far away from me so I could only see the boat, not what specific information was on it, nor how much information. I had no oars or outboard motor on my boat so I had no idea how to get to the boats of information. In my past I just sat back in my boat and acknowledged that while the information was out there for post secondary education, it was out of reach for me. This time I used my hands to propel me to at least one boat. It took me a half hour from entering the University's website in the address field to me finding a listing of all the courses the University has to offer.

I wanted to print out the course listings because I find it easier to read paper than monitor but saw the document was in the 300 page range. Ok, not doing that. Instead I scanned each listing in alphabetical order to see what's interesting to me. I didn't read all of them (just too much info) but found that psychology and sociology are fascinating to me. Unfortunately, only the higher level courses are of any interest, not the entry level ones. Since I'm not willing to put the time, money, or energy into pursuing a degree yet, I just shelved my interest in post secondary for now. At least I have an oar for later.

T is also going to post secondary soonish. He's feeling a fair bit of pressure about what school to attend and what he can get out of each school. Luckily they have open houses throughout the year in the Computing Science department so we can see what's what in January. He also wants to pay for his education completely on his own. No scholarships, bursaries or loans. While I admire that I have been slowly getting him to see the benefits of having some help here and there. T is a black and white thinker (like me) and feels that if he can't pay for it himself he won't go to school. I hope to turn his thinking around a bit so he doesn't lose out on the opportunity to go and get a better job doing something he loves.

J is enrolled in a new school now. He hadn't been attending his junior high at all. Well, mostly not anyway. His last full day at the school was the first day of school. He is extremely attached to his girlfriend and they wanted to go to school together so they found a school right in between her place and ours and J asked if I could transfer him. The school is for teens who experience an interruption in their education (apparently skipping school is considered an interruption but also pregnancy, poor home environment and drug use qualify). J qualifies. I talked to the principal and set up a date for a tour and to get J on the waiting list.

We got to see the school this week and took Girlfriend with us. I got J registered, but Girlfriend's mother is a drug addict and was unable to get her registered, so Girlfriend got her probation officer to do it. Apparently your probation officer can sign papers as a guardian or some such thing. So now they both go to this school. It's a Charter school which means it's not run by the city but still needs to follow the province's education guidelines. Because of the nature of the school, the population is 88% Aboriginal. So while J is in the minority, his girlfriend fits right in. Instead of having classes, each student is required to learn at their own pace. They are given work to do in the subject block (Social, Math, etc) and they work independently of the other students. J and Girlfriend were very disappointed to only get in one block together - Foods - but I pointed out that the principal skipped the queue for J. There was a waiting list to get in but the principal felt that because J has support from home (almost all the kids in the school have a negative or damaging home life) he should get in sooner. And Girlfriend skipped the queue because J didn't want to go without her.

This learning style of going at your own pace should be better for J in the long run (I hope). The thing he hated most about school was waiting for the rest of the class to catch up when he already understood the material. I can relate to that. It's also the biggest problem I had in school. One of the biggest challenges J has now is catching up as he has officially skipped grade 9. This school begins at grade 10 and is supposed to be for teens 15+, J is 14 (Girlfriend is 15). I pointed out to the principal that if J doesn't get in based on his age or grade level, to keep in mind that if J keeps skipping he will be passed to grade 10 anyway by the city. He will then enter grade 10 unprepared, or he can join this school unprepared for grade 10 because he hasn't taken the grade 9 curriculum. That caused the principal to pause. He then admitted that some students have entered the school with literacy at grade 2 level when they should be at grade 10. J has started the testing to see what kind of lesson plan they need for him. Girlfriend as well. I am cautiously optimistic that J will actually attend this school. At least, more than he did his previous school.

Light modifications

2010-11-12T18:15:00.000-07:00

I am just entering the 13th year of living in this house. It's a rental and it's cheap, reasonably maintained and in a good neighborhood which is primarily why I stay here. Ok, cheap wins out on that. Really, I can't afford anywhere else.

Anyway, the lighting in my kitchen sucks. Every bulb in the house has been changed to those daylight bulbs and it's made a huge difference in every room. Except the kitchen. The lighting is so yellow that when I was cooking ground beef the other day, I had to use a flashlight on the meat to see if it was no longer pink. Oh yeah, we're talking horrible lighting here. Part of the problem is the ceiling fan, I think, because the bulb is just not powerful enough. I don't want to buy a new ceiling fan because I suspect the same problem would be there. A new glass shade might work, but finding one to fit the ancient fan might be a problem.

So T and I were at Ikea today buying a computer desk for his birthday gift (he's 16 - OMG!) and of course I was noticing lighting. As much as I hate potlights or spotlights, they do seem to really make a difference in lighting the areas. They even have these strip lights that fit under your cabinets to light up the countertops. A neat idea - but my cabinets are really close to the counter and go all the way up to the ceiling. Also, those lights get awfully hot and my house is old enough to be a tinderbox.

T did also get some of these spotlights for his bedroom and I was playing with them in the kitchen, just to see how much they illuminated. You know what I noticed? My kitchen is really dirty. Sad, but true. I plan on cleaning it, really I do, I've just been too tired lately. Anyway, S and I are going back to Ikea to buy some spotlights and see how hard the installation is. I've never done any electrical work, but it shouldn't be too hard. I don't know how to get the ceiling fan down, but I did notice screws on the side of the base unit so that's where I'll start. Then I'll buy some cleaning supplies.

The other improvement I've made to the house recently is furnace filters. Our furnace looks like it's original to the house and still has the ancient basket style filters which are a pain to change. I know you can buy little filters for your vents to stop dust from flying up into the air, but those never worked really well for me. What I was thinking was that we need filters for the air intake instead of the air output and you know what? Someone makes those! Yep, a company called Kevek makes neat air intake vents with filters inside that are easy to change. So yes, I bought two. One for the cold air return upstairs and one for the air intake at the base of the furnace. So far they work well.

Funny thing: the air intake at the base of the furnace is a long, rectangular pipe sticking out the side with a vent cover on the front. Someone remodeled the house at some point and put a wall (and by 'wall' I mean pressboard nailed to braces) about six inches in front of the air intake on the furnace. So the furnace was always sucking dead air. At some point Ex had his brother in law make an extended pipe so the vent was actually through the wall and the cover in front of the wall. When we bought these new vents and filters we had to bend the opening of the pipe a bit. Ok, hammered it into position so that the air wouldn't circulate around the vent. It looks like something my dad would have done: functional but not pretty. But whatever, it's the basement. Nobody goes down there :)

...braaaaiiins....

2010-11-06T09:56:00.000-06:00

I mentioned before that S and I started watching AMC's new show The Walking Dead. Well, we also found a show called Dead Set that is made in England (I think). Both are zombie shows featuring lots of blood, gore, murder, walking corpses and screaming people. But there are some major differences as well.

Walking Dead takes place in America where the main character wakes up from a coma to a deserted and trashed hospital. He learns quickly that the dead don't stay down unless they are shot in the head. While searching for his wife and son he encounters other survivors and gets the lowdown on what's going on. Another plot line features a group of survivors learning how to live in a camp-like setting away from the majority of the zombies. The pace is slow and the show is character driven. After just one episode I was already rooting for the main character to find his family and pitying the zombies for their condition. Walking Dead beautifully demonstrated how a single zombie is a sorry and pitiful sight, the need to feed driving it and the last vestiges of humanity locked inside pleading to be set free. The zombies are portrayed as shambling, lumbering, stupid, hungry, aimless beings that will group together only for food. Violent only in their need to eat they will tear apart a living being for dinner. Otherwise they are kinda like...well, brain dead lumps of walking meat with only the tiniest bit of humanity buried inside.

Dead Set takes place in England on the set of the show Big Brother. We see behind the scenes of Big Brother as well as what's happening inside the BB house. In one isolated TV screen in the producer's viewing area we see a news flash about rioting and some dead. The producers are concerned that the news will bump the BB episode that's about to go live to oust one resident. In a very fast progression we see that the live outdoor audience is infected with a zombie and some making their way into the studio. The residents of BB have no idea what's going on until an employee makes it into the house alive. The pace is very fast, engaging and leaves a lot open to your imagination. Halfway through the series (one season only) and we don't know what caused the zombie behaviour, cell phones & landlines don't work, and TV is off the air for the most part (no idea why nobody tried to boot up a laptop for global info). One single sentence gives the idea that the zombie situation is not confined to England. The zombies here are fast, hungry, murderous, rage-filled beings. When there is no food present they appear reasonably calm or at rest. As soon as some noise indicating food is present, they attack with an alarming amount of rage. These zombies will abandon their fresh kill to attack a nearby prey with unquenchable anger. If no new prey is available, they will calmly hunker down and eat their raw dinner. We learn the zombies are not intelligent by their inability to open doors or get out of a hot tub. There appears to be no humanity left in these beings.

While both shows grabbed my attention and left me wanting to see more, the differences struck me as being more than just a writer's decision on what a zombie should be. Instead the shows seemed to reflect the cultures they represent very well. In America, they seem to pride themselves on their individuality and intelligence. Having zombies that are stupid and indistinguishable from each other would be the epitome of horror. In England they seem to be very controlled people, 'stiff upper lip' as they say. Zombies portrayed here are out of control with rage and their behaviour leaves the victim to have to rely on decisions that are far outside their comfort zones.

I'm not familiar with zombie movies or shows from other parts of the globe, but what do you think zombies in Japan would be like? Or Africa? How would cultural differences and general population behaviours translate into something that would make the viewer's blood run cold?

Halloween is gone again

2010-11-01T15:34:00.000-06:00

Halloween has come and gone for another year. This is the first year that I remember where I actually missed the idea of trick-or-treating with my boys. After having done it so many times I was glad to not participate. But this year I think I was struck by how mature my boys are now and that trick-or-treating with your mom is a Little Kid thing, not a Teenager thing.

This year I decided not to hand out candy and shut my house up tight. No porch light, no light leaking through the curtains in the living room and the back porch light was off as well. Normally kids will still come to the door even with my lights off, but this year there was nobody. I couldn't even hear the kids yelling out on the street or running past my house. It was eerie. Is my street done with Halloween trick-or-treaters? We'll see next year, I guess.

S and I spent the evening inside watching TV, one of my favorite pastimes :) We saw the new series The Walking Dead on AMC and it was excellent! Definitely one to set my DVR for. If you're not familiar with it, TWD is about a Deputy who is shot and in a coma. He wakes up to an empty (and trashed) hospital to discover the dead don't just lie still. His wife and child are missing so he goes out to find them. Very well done, well worth my time to watch :)

Oh blissful sleep...

2010-10-27T14:46:00.000-06:00

You know what makes me feel better? Extra sleep!

Lately I've been draggy-ass tired and have been experiencing some of the side effects to long term sleep deprivation. For me, these effects included grumpiness, outright bitchiness, inability to smile, general feeling that life is not supposed to be a cheery experience, making connections that don't exist in conversation and general suspicion. I have not been pleasant to live with, believe me.

I thought my overall grumpiness was an extended Down, which it still could be. I am not accustomed to any long term emotional state so this was new and unwelcome. I also thought it was a result of the stress of having teenagers, that could also be a contributing factor. Then one day I remembered that when I started at this job five years ago I would go to bed at 7pm to be up at 3am. That's eight hours of sleep. But somehow I've arranged things so that I go to bed at 9pm and am up at 4am. That's only seven hours of sleep.

Since I wasn't willing to change my evening routine at all the only option I could see was to start later in the morning. I don't want to start too late because then I feel all out of place with my routine. So I decided to start work a half hour later than usual. And yes, that half hour has made a huge difference in my overall mood. I've kept in mind that I can move my shift another half hour to get that little bit more sleep but for now I'll leave it as is. After all, for now it's working!

I forgot how good it felt to be well rested :)

S's painful nose

2010-10-16T11:02:00.000-06:00

Since I met S he's been complaining about his deviated septum causing problems during sleep. When he was a child his nose was broken and now the septum moves and blocks off his sinuses causing him to snore and not get a good night's rest. One day I mentioned to him that he could go to his family doctor and get a referral to an Ear, Nose and Throat doctor to see if the problem could be solved. We looked online and found that the surgery to fix the septum involves having his nose packed for a few days which would be very unpleasant, but possibly worth it. He got the referral appointment and found that surgery wasn't necessary yet.

What the doctor did was use a spray up his nostrils to open up the sinuses and stick a camera up there. S tells me that was extremely unpleasant and weird feeling. I imagine he was screaming in his head for the ordeal, I know I would be. The doctor was amazed at how tiny S's sinuses are and in fact couldn't even get the camera up into the cavities above his right eye at all. He asked S if S had post nasal drip and for how long. S said yes and as long as he could remember. It turns out that it isn't his deviated septum causing snoring and pain, it's his sinuses are red and raw from being too dry so they create extra moisture to solve the problem, causing inflammation and post nasal drip. Surgery to fix the septum is an option for aesthetics, but not necessary for the problems he's having. He is to use a nose spray once a day and a nasal rinse once a day. The nasal rinse is like a neti pot but with the pot the water just flows in and out, the rinse fills all the sinus cavities before draining. S likened it to drowning. Unpleasant, but it worked. Until his nose started bleeding.

He's always had nosebleeds. Sometimes when he blows his nose, sometimes for no reason at all. He called the doctor and they moved his follow-up appointment to check it out. Another inspection of his nose (just...ew) revealed a huge vein that had grown around the deviated septum and was now too close to the surface of the skin, causing bleeding. So he cauterized the vein with silver nitrate and gave him a prescription for antibiotics.

S started using the antibiotic cream on Wednesday. That night he was up every hour and a half with pain. By Thursday he had to leave work early because of the blinding pain in his nose and he had taken more than the maximum daily dosage of Advil to cut the pain and was taking Tylenol about every hour and a half. He called the doctor and the doctor said the pain would be worse before better. That night his teeth started to hurt as well. When I got up for work on Friday morning at 4am S was on the couch rocking in pain. The whole side of his face was excruciatingly painful. He hadn't barely slept all night and was trying to decide if he should wake me up. So instead of me going to work right away I took him to the emergency room in hopes of getting something stronger for the pain.

Luckily (I thought) the emergency room was basically empty. A couple of children were there but they see a pediatrics doctor, S was the only adult waiting for treatment. We got in very quickly. Unfortunately the doctor on duty was going to be off duty in 20 minutes so he didn't see S. Instead he wrapped up his paperwork and finished with his last patient. I was listening to the two nurses talking and I've been in hospitals enough to get the gist of the 12 hour shift changes. I thought the change was 8, but that's when the nurses change. Doctors come on shift at 6, the other doctor ends shift at 7 so there is an overlap. S was caught in the overlap sitting on a hard plastic chair rocking in pain. They offered him a bed but he felt better upright. The old doctor didn't want to take S on at the end of his shift so he left S for the new doctor. The new doctor didn't begin her examinations until 7, after she'd started her on-shift routine. So we ended up sitting there for an hour and twenty minutes. I was not impressed.

The nurse was kind enough to seek out the new doctor and ask for some pain relief for S, which she brought him and he refused. It was percocet. He'd tried that once before and the day after it felt like he had a huge block of ice moving through his intestines along with the shakes, sweats and nausea. When the doctor finally saw him she was going to give him codeine but he has a bad reaction to that as well. She also looked up his nose and found the area that was burned with the silver nitrate was huge and deep. Larger than she would have recommended and no doubt the cause of excruciating pain. At this point S was willing to accept the percocet but I stepped in and told him he's not getting a one-time dose, he's probably getting a prescription for as-needed doses and if one percocet hurt, can he imagine how much several would hurt? He nodded and the doctor gave him something I've never heard of - Tramacet - saying it's a step below percocet and a step above Advil.

At this point I couldn't do much for S, the pharmacy we go to opened at 9am and it was just after 7, so I took him home and I went to work. S took two Tramacets as soon as he got them, then one six hours later as directed, then one five hours later. He was tired, warm, and feeling a bit icky when I left for an Adult Party I'd been invited to (more on that later). Just as I was leaving the party I got a call from T, apparently S was in the bathroom vomiting blood. I got home and found S on the couch, pale and sweaty. According to doctor's advice he should have only had three Tramacets in that time, not four, and six hours in between them. I asked if I should get him in the car to go back to emergency and he said no, he's ok now, it was only a little blood and mostly the food he ate. I helped him have a bath and then get to bed and told him to absolutely not take any more Tramacet until after six hours had passed. He waited seven, took one and hasn't had any since. Instead he just had Advil this morning.

He's better this morning, just tired and worn out. The pain is manageable, he's not screaming in agony any more. There's been no more vomiting - that would have resulted in a visit to the emergency room against his will if there'd been more. He's also decided that fixing the deviated septum just isn't worth it, thank you very much. He's found that pain in his nose is intolerable and surgery would be more than just unpleasant. I had no idea there would be this much pain when I suggested he get his sinuses checked out. At least he will be able to breathe easier when all is said and done. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

ps - the remaining 51 doses of Tramacet are going right back to the pharmacy for proper disposal.

My new toy

2010-10-10T12:04:00.000-06:00

S and I have been doing our best not to spend money frivolously or go into deeper debt. We've really been quite good about it lately especially since I'm still, yes still, on four days a week at work. Scary that this is our busiest season and we don't have much work. Anyway, I've been quite proud of the fact that while things are extremely tight our credit cards haven't been getting much of a workout with shopping. Having said that, yesterday we bought a new washer and dryer.

My current washer has decided that it really only wants to fill and agitate lately. In order to get it to drain I need to put the drain hose in the sewer hole in the basement floor. Once some of the water is drained out I can force it to spin. Sometimes. The other day I had to try many, many times to get the washer drum to spin the water out of the towels so I could dry them. I thought it might be the weight of the clothes or water causing the problem, but the same thing happened when I washed my undies on the delicate cycle.

Now, I know what you are thinking - get a repair person out and fix the washer. I even made the appointment for later next week to do just that. Then I remembered the last time I had troubles with my washer. I had several repairs done before finally deciding to buy a new washer. Like any large appliance or car there is a point where the repairs are no longer worth the money as the machine will keep breaking down once the cascade has begun. So S and I went shopping.

I knew before leaving the house that there was a 75% chance that I'd be buying a new washer/dryer set that very day, the only thing holding me back was cost. When I bought the washer I have now I wanted a front loader but they were around $2500 for just a washer at the time. I haven't been keeping up on the prices so I figured if it was a good enough deal then I'd just buy new instead of pay for repairs. The only condition to shopping for them was that we would only go to one store and only pick from the selection at that store.

Why would I do that? Because my brother in law is an appliance salesman at that one store. My parents taught me something very important when my dad worked at Woodward's - as the customer you choose where to put your money. My dad was a commission salesman as is my brother in law. So it doesn't matter to me if there is a better deal at a different store, by buying from K I'm padding his paycheque not someone else's.

And what an excellent salesman K is! He told me about features on the washers I hadn't even really known about (did you know some of them have heaters to boost the temperature from your hot water tank? I didn't.) I told him what was important - front loading - and he didn't even try to sell me anything else. What sealed it for me was talking about how the washer handles an unbalanced load. The LG model has sensors to detect vibrations in the drum and it'll slow down the drum to let the load settle and rebalance itself several times.

So I was all set to buy the red model (really sick of white appliances) but K's boss gave us a deal on the model with the steam feature for the same price as the model we were looking at, and it only came in white or graphite. I hadn't really known that steam was a feature and thought it would be way above my price range. There have been times where hanging clothes in a steamy bathroom just didn't work well enough, so having a steam washer and dryer would be helpful and a bit of luxury :) And the red ones had a feature called 'baby items' and for reasons I'll get into another day, having the word 'baby' on my washer bothered me a lot. So my new washer and dryer are the ones in the photo below in that color - graphite. While we were in the store I saw the most beautiful blue set but the LG didn't come in blue and by then I was sold on the LG. Oh, and I bought the dryer because what the hell, it's nice to have a set :) K even gave us a bit of a break on the price, which was unexpected :) I didn't want to even ask for a deal because I knew it would lower his commission on the sale. Oh, and my new set doesn't have the drawers on the bottom, they were $200 each, that was just a bit too much.
One other really neat thing is that the model I bought is eligible for a rebate from the province because it's Eco Friendly in that it uses half the water and half the power. So I'm getting $100 back from the province! And, when I went to the website to fill out the form for the rebate, it gave the option to search the municipality as some cities also give rebates. My city is giving me $75! Woohoo!! I should get the rebates in the mail about a week after I forget about it, which is normal with rebates and turn-around time :)

My new washer and dryer should arrive on Wednesday, just in time for laundry to be done :) I can't wait!

ps - I used to watch That 70's Show and on one episode Red got a new job as an appliance salesman. He was having troubles making the sales until his wife pointed out that if a woman is shopping for a blender she already knows what features there are, she just has to decide on the color. I find it hilarious that that assessment is generally true for me! I know what to expect in a washer and even though new features are cool, the main question for me is what color do I want? lol

Yard work

2010-10-03T13:26:00.000-06:00

My yard is now ready for winter. Sigh.

All the sweet peas have been taken off the fence and put in bags. In past years we make large TumblePeas (like tumbleweeds) out of the sweet peas but this year I managed to buy the crappiest twine available. It snapped under the barest amount of tension. So this time we used some garbage bags S got from work for free. They are heavy duty, double lined garbage bags and they worked exceptionally well. Now my fence and back yard look naked.

My lawn has been cut now for the last time this season. I even poured the rest of the gas into my car instead of storing it in the shed over the winter. Instead of raking up all the beautiful leaves I just ran over them with the lawn mower. That was mildly successful but wildly fun :) Now I have leaf bits everywhere and large piles of leaves in the curb gutter and my little stairs at the base of the front lawn. I suppose I could rake them up. Or wait for a huge windstorm, whichever comes first.

Sigh. Facing the end of summer just sucks.

Wired

2010-09-29T14:17:00.000-06:00

Do you know what packs a helluva wallop? Chocolate coated coffee beans!!! Yes! Indeed! They make you hyper!! Ok, maybe not YOU but definitely ME! Someone I work with said "here try one of these" on break at 7am and without thinking I chose the biggest one and popped it into my mouth. I could see it was chocolate, dark bittersweet chocolate, but it wasn't until I bit into it that I tasted coffee. Coffee! I asked her what I ate and she told me they were coated coffee beans. Why WHY WHY would anyone eat more than one of these!? I worked at lightning speed, yessireebob I did. Got tons done and even extra work without feeling tired! Maybe wired but not tired! It took hours for my insides to stop vibrating and at least an hour for the sweats to stop. I feel like I could write an entire novel, run a marathon or dance spasticly to rave music, very LOUD rave music! I should probably put the remaining energy to good use and get my yard work done...or just listen to loud music! Woohooo!!

Lovely fall day

2010-09-27T13:18:00.000-06:00

Does one beautiful day make up for a summer full of crappy days? Ok, maybe the whole summer wasn't crappy this year but it sure felt like it. Last fall the leaves barely turned yellow when the snow arrived. There was no time to play in the leaves...until today :) And our weather lately has been chilly, dreary, grey and drippy...until today :) Today the sun is out heating up the leaves and a light wind to keep you cool. Perfect fall weather.

Today I had to go to the mall for errands (bought an LG Gossip handset for J with my Fido dollars - last one in the store, yay! Bought jeans for J and found them on the clearance table in 26 waist and 28 waist - double yay!) and instead of taking the car, I walked. Now, it's not an epic walk like my sister takes in Ontario, it's a mere 15 minutes away. But that's fifteen minutes if you don't stop and shuffle your feet through all the leaves on the ground :) Oh yes, not only did I choose streets that had the most leaves to shuffle, but I also walked on the road near the curb to shuffle and even crossed the street if there was a particularly ginormous leaf pile in need of disturbance :) Yep, very satisfying day so far :)My feet waiting to shuffle the leaves

Summer is over

2010-09-18T10:10:00.000-06:00

Summer seems to be over now, no big surprise as it tends to happen every year. For some reason this year I felt like we didn't even get a summer. The weather wasn't stiflingly hot, it rained a lot and it seemed like the sun didn't rise as early and stay up as late.

When I went to work yesterday I noticed the grass had that suspicious crunch to it and the air had a very distinctive bite of cold. I got to my car and saw that the windshield had a thin layer of frost on it, the first of the season. After work I pulled up into my driveway and saw that the frost killed my sweet peas as well. Instead of having full double petaled flowers ruffling in the breeze the petals all faced the ground and the color was washed out and blotchy. The individual flowers look like little skirts and I had a fleeting thought that the garden faeries at least have something to wear if necessary.

I feel like I barely got to enjoy my sweet peas and now I'll be tearing them down to prepare the ground for winter. Sigh. Winter. Can I have a Summer Do-Over please?

Dosages

2010-09-13T09:54:00.001-06:00

Why isn't cold medicine administered by weight as well as age? I know that a child under 12 will metabolize the medicine differently than an adult which is why dosages are given as 12+ and under 12. But what about weight?

My boys are now 14 and almost 16 (gasp! I'm sure I was just walking them to kindergarten yesterday...) and both are healthy weights for their ages. Neither one is chubby and may be considered a bit underweight as they have not a single ounce of extra fat on them. While I watch their shoulders broaden, veins become ropey, jaws sharpen and muscles become well defined (without a single workout I might add...enviously) I assumed they could handle adult dosages of medicines on the rare occasions they are actually sick.

T is going to be 16 soon and has a wicked head cold. Since he can't swallow pills yet I bought DayQuil and NyQuil in liquid form, checked the label, and showed him the measuring cup that the medicine came with. He took a dose of NyQuil that was only three quarters of the adult dose...and slept for 15 hours. He woke briefly to go to work as scheduled, but said it took him several minutes to figure out how to call in to work sick. He said he was holding his phone and thinking of calling in, but had no idea how to get his body to obey the command to dial the phone. When he figured it out he called in and went back to sleep. Also he apparently aborted the concept of 'shower' as it was too difficult to figure out.

When he woke up for good he decided to take DayQuil. I think for this one he took the full adult dose. Around six hours later he emerged from his bedroom to eat and we saw his pupils were the size of olives. I asked if he was having troubles with the DayQuil, he said it was hard to play his computer game as he kept seeing things out of the corners of his eyes that weren't necessarily there. A few hours after that I mentioned to him that each person metabolizes medicine differently and that because he's a bit skinny he might want to consider not taking full doses of stuff. I suggested he take only a half dose of the NyQuil to sleep last night so he'd be reasonably coherent for school. He decided against it, he said it was just too weird-feeling and he'd do without.

Oh, and we didn't bother to tell J about the side effects. The last thing I need is for J to start guzzling the stuff...although he'll probably learn about it from somewhere anyway.

Links for your clicking pleasure

2010-09-01T06:18:00.000-06:00

The only magazine subscription I have is O Magazine (probably soon to be expanded to Scientific American Mind also) and this month there was a little feature with cool websites. Here are some links for you:

Discover what your brain can and cannot perceive at: jvsc.jst.go.jp/find/mindlab/english/base.html

Take part in actual cognitive research projects at: testmybrain.org

Play some weird and cute games with soothing soundtracks at: ferryhalim.com/orisinal
There is one game there with a bunny and bells, I could hear my younger sister squealing in my head at the cuteness of the little bunny.

Surf the web with stumbleupon.com, I'd heard of this and seen the icons on webpages but had no idea what it was. Now I do.

Test your vocabulary while fighting world hunger at freerice.com. My older sister introduced me to this site some time ago, I think. They donate to the UN's World Food Programme every time you are able to define a word correctly.

And listen to stories from ordinary people interviewed by their loved ones at: storycorps.org.

So there you go, links to click on to keep you amused :)

Oh, and I get up just after 4am to go to work. The other day I heard my alarm, squinted at the clock and thought: 4:04, day not found, return to bed. If only it was that easy.

Tired of feeling tired

2010-08-28T09:10:00.001-06:00

I am tired of feeling Down. I've had enough now, thank you, and I would like an Up again please.

Usually I stay in the Up part of the cycle in the spring and summer and move into the Down side in the fall and winter. There are highs and lows to both the Ups and Downs, but I can never remember an extreme Up in the winter nor an extreme Down in the summer. Since fall I've been firmly entrenched in the Down side of things and haven't felt much of an Up at all. I can be cheery when I need to and put a happy face on for a few hours to be sociable, but overall I feel vaguely depressed. And you know what? I really don't like it. I'm used to bouncing out of Downs pretty quickly not wallowing in them for months.

I know my life has been extremely stressful over the last ten months or so. With J rebelling like he has, with my work environment being toxic and my debt feel like it's crushing me I know I have reason to be depressed. Things with J have been improving - or at least leveling out - my debt is actually going down albeit extremely slowly, but work...well work is getting worse. Maybe that's what's been holding me down.

Lately I've noticed my lips are pursed all the time, so much that I've developed little smoker's wrinkles around them now. My shoulders feel like they are so high up all the time they have become earrings. And they are so tense that I feel like I wake up in the morning and slip on linebacker's shoulder pads filled with weights. I've had a migraine for three days which has finally gone away leaving a fuzzy and injured feeling to my brain. My eyes are squinting all the time and my eyebrows are knit together causing frown wrinkles to settle in between my eyes. And as soon as a thought of work enters my head, all these symptoms intensify. I feel like I'm being physically crushed by intangible environment at work.

In order to help bounce myself out of this persistent Down I've tried to Think Positive. But that's just not working at all. I have a friend that says it has helped her get through some bad patches in her life lately, but for me it's exhausting to even come up with a single positive sentence much less take heed of what I'm telling myself. My thoughts are directed by my brain chemistry, in an Up I'm positive and any negative thoughts are quickly turned around and lessened. In a Down the opposite is true, all thoughts are negative and any positive thoughts are quickly shot down. Or, in a Down that single ray of sunlight is unable to penetrate the thick, dark smog of my thoughts. In an Up that dark negative ball is surrounded by beautiful flowers and sunshine so it's barely visible. I'm tired of living in the fog and am frustrated and irritable to find the end to it, or generate the wind to blow it away.

I know there are antidepressants out there. I also know that I'm not allowed to have them without mood stabilizers. The last time I was on mood stabilizers I felt much like I do now with some very unpleasant side effects so I haven't really pursued that avenue of treatment. I'm hoping that as soon as I find a new job and am able to give my notice at this job that things will improve. I'm not expecting miracles, but I'd like to be able to feel my face relax again or my back to be straight instead of hunched forward. Someday the grumpiness will be a memory. I look forward to that day.

Load of work crap

2010-08-22T10:26:00.000-06:00

Sigh...I know I complain about work a fair bit but this is bothering me and kinda ruining my weekend. So maybe, just maybe, if I type it out I can purge it from my brain for the rest of my weekend. It's long and I won't be offended if you don't want to read it, but here we go:

/start rant

Inventory is coming up at work, actually on Wed 01Sept. Every year I've looked forward to inventory as I love to count, categorize, organize, sort, track and label things. For the past four years I have skipped the seniority queue and been asked to participate in inventory. Partly because I am the only scaler (there used to be two), I know the department, and I really like doing inventory.

This year, I've decided, I just can't be bothered with the whole process. At the moment I care so little about the company that I'd rather someone else went through the tedious task of recording every item's weight. I don't even care if I have to rearrange things because they were put back in the wrong location. Normally, this would bother me a lot. I like control. I like order. But I hate my job, so if I can't immediately find the nutmeg after inventory I know my world won't stop turning. I'll just find it when I need it.

Owner has created such a horrible environment to be in that I really need to limit my exposure to it in order to avoid a meltdown. Owner doesn't know it, but she's very lucky that I'm not the kind of person to call in sick when I don't feel like working. I show up every day. I do my job. Every day I fight the urge to tell someone to F*CK OFF. Every day it's a struggle not to start a fight (passive-aggressive or otherwise) with Owner over petty crap. Every day I resist the sneer on my lips when I need to address my bosses. I am able to do this because 80% of my day is spent without contact with others. With inventory I'd be working right next to someone I despise for six+ hours.

As inventory day got closer I noticed Owner had not asked me if I could work it. Big Boss used to confirm with me that I would work it before creating the schedule. We are a union shop, seniority has to be taken into account but because scaling is my area I'm given preference. Luckily nobody has complained over the years that I've skipped the queue. This year, Owner has not even brought up the subject of inventory. Owner has also not been on the production floor much over the last week either. Since there is nobody in Big Boss's place to run the plant, there is nobody in charge of personnel, there is nobody to go to for schedule conflicts or vacation days...there is nobody for me to tell that I don't want to work inventory. Except Owner. But Owner hasn't been available recently. So I did the next best thing. I can't trust bosses to get messages to Owner (this has been demonstrated in the past), so when I saw the inventory schedule with my name on it from last year laying on Owner's desk, I put a sticky note on it saying I wasn't able to work it this year. Nothing happened for three days. Then I got a phone call.

While I was on my way home from work on Friday, Owner called me at home and left a message saying that it was unacceptable that I can't work it. That it is a regularly scheduled day for me and I have no choice. And that I should have told her personally, not left a note. Never mind that I hadn't seen her for almost three days. I listened to the message, and called the union. Our union rep is on vacation so I was given her replacement's voicemail. I have not heard back yet but will call obsessively on Monday as I need to know if I have firm ground before I put my foot down with Owner.

There are some union issues at play here and I don't know if I'm in the right or not. But I suspect that I am. First off, our contract guarantees that people with ten years or more of employment with the company at the time of signing the contract get a minimum of four shifts per week. We are on four days a week right now...except inventory week. The schedule says we work Mon, Tues and Thurs. Inventory is on Wed and we have Fri off. That's only three shifts. So those seven people with ten+ years should get the opportunity to work inventory before I'm even asked (I only have five years employment). And, if I say no then everyone with less seniority than me is asked. If there still isn't enough people then Owner can compel participation using reverse seniority, the person with the least seniority works the day, then the next from the bottom, etc.

In the past, salaried people (non-union) work in pairs with hourly people (union). There are six bins to count for inventory, two people per bin except one takes three people. That's a total of 13 staff needed. If we follow the same pattern as other years then there will be six salaried people working (Purchaser, Shipper, Line Manager, QA, R&D Baker and Cost Accountant) and seven union staff needed. So, if all seven union staff with 10+ years want to work the day then I shouldn't even be asked to work it. If not all seven want the shift (and every other year there are three that will say yes for sure), then there is still two people with more seniority than me that should be asked first.

I can see why I would be given preference as scaling is my department, but every single person on the production floor can do inventory. It doesn't require special training, just the ability to tare a container, weigh a full container and take note of the amount of product in the container. Every person has been trained to do this as part of their job. Every. last. one. So it can't be said that only specialized people are qualified for this task.

Now, if everyone above me says no to the inventory then the people below me are asked. There are seven people below me. The only way I'd be needed is if salaried people aren't used. Owner is notoriously cheap (did I mention we aren't allowed gloves for certain tasks as they are too expensive?) so I can't see her paying for six salaries and giving them the day off. And like I said, there are three senior staff that say yes to every shift asked. So the chances of me being forced to work the day are minuscule. Besides, my backup plan is to call in sick and spend the day at the Medicenter getting a note saying I'm ok to return to work.

I am walking into this situation with my eyes wide open. I know that Owner is a bully. I know that even if I am 100% correct and have the union back me up I will still be targeted. I've seen her do it to others and it is extremely stressful. Owner already has begun by telling me to train people, but telling people that I'm not allowed to tell them what to do. She tells me to leave work for others if I can't finish in time, but then complains that she doesn't have the staff to finish my work for me. She has told me to work late to finish, signed my overtime on my time card, and complained after payday at how much overtime she had to pay me, and that it's unacceptable so no overtime is allowed. She told me I have a bad attitude because I walked away from her during a conversation (in my opinion, the conversation was done, all that was remaining was her insults) and that she is the one who decides when a conversation is over, but then complains that I stand around and not do my job. It's impossible to do anything right and eventually I'll get written up over something.

This all could be easier if I would just work the damn inventory day. But I feel like I have to stand up to her at some point or she will take advantage of me. And inventory is the hill I've chosen to die on. I will be respectful, polite and firm when I talk to her about it on Tuesday but no matter what it will be viewed as an attack. The fallout of this will be tremendous, I know that I have to hold my ground and be a Perfect Employee so as not to give her any ammunition. I know this will be extremely difficult. And I know I will feel better about myself if I do it.

/end rant

ps - because I do love inventory so much it is one of the fields I'm looking into as a new job. Maybe there is something better out there...hopefully I'll find it sooner rather than later.

Apparently, low morale is my deal breaker

2010-08-20T16:44:00.000-06:00

How do people work at a job they hate, day after day after day? I wonder this as I notice my hatred for my job growing ever so slightly with each morning. I've known people over the years that say the money is good so they won't quit, or that there are no other jobs out there, or maybe they are just able to swallow their soul and attend work like an automaton. Me, I'm having some troubles with it. I've noticed that as the day draws to a close I am in a better mood. And as the weekend gets closer I'm in an even better mood. But simply showing up every day has become a chore and every day I need to remind myself that I haven't officially given notice so I need to stop acting like I have.

We are back down to four days a week, and three days one week because we shut down for the day for inventory. On one hand - yay! - less time at my job. On the other hand...my paycheque sucks. We are still on the EI Work Share Program so I'll get something for the missed days, but not much. The good part of being on four days is that I know I can live on that income. So the wage criteria for my job hunt has a 20% buffer built in. Anything in that 20% will do if it gets me out of working where I am.

And actually my workload on Tuesday is going to be quite heavy. I could go in for four hours on Monday and get stuff done to make my Tuesday easier...but instead I'm going to go job hunting. Several jobs that I want to apply for are advertised online but candidates are asked to drop off their resumes in person, so I'll get neat and clean looking and drop off my resume. If I can't finish my work on Tuesday then I'll leave it for someone else to finish. I'm done with being the Star Employee and working myself to the bone.

I'm even considering a part time job in addition to my current job. I'm thinking that if I have a part time job then I'll be able to leave early when I can at my full time job (my workload is varied day to day, some days I could leave early but don't because I really do need to pay my bills). Also, I'm thinking that a part time job will provide some perspective on my current job. Right now I have a hard time leaving work for someone, I feel like I need to go at top speed to get everything done or else. But my job is built for almost two people so me not doing all of it isn't really expected. Maybe if I had an additional income I could relax my own standards a bit while still getting things done faster than expected. And really, I could always quit the part time job if it didn't work out or I was too tired.

My mom told me once there are two aspects to a job: the work you are doing and the environment you do it in. S went to an interview recently and was told that if you have two of the following three aspects you will stay at a job: the job itself, the money, and the environment. What I have learned is that a good team lead, supervisor or manager can make or break your job. Morale, it turns out, is very important to me. I am making fairly good money at my job, I really like the work itself, but I have absolutely zero respect for any of my managers or Owner. I have discovered that I am not the kind of person to put a smile on and fake it. My attitude is on a steady decline and the only thing getting me through the day is the idea that when I get home I will keep searching for a new job. Eventually, I'll find something if I keep looking. I hope.

Clutter in our orbit

2010-08-06T14:59:00.000-06:00

I bought the most recent issue of Popular Science about two weeks ago, not a magazine I usually buy or even notice, but this issue had and article on the future of helper robots which looked interesting. Surprisingly, that wasn't the article that stuck in my head.

There is also an article about the debris in space. Yes, we have cluttered up our planet with garbage and have extended that clutter to space. Apparently the existing rule for sending stuff into space is that the object must have the capability to push itself or be pushed out of orbit within 30 years of launch. But now there is just too much stuff up there. Some of this stuff is merrily crashing into other bits of stuff which just creates more debris...which collides with debris and creates more debris...see the problem?

Some stats include: 20,000 items larger than 4 inches, 500,000 man made items larger than 0.4", little pieces traveling at 24,480 mph, and the smallest piece of debris that could kill an astronaut is 0.04". So, there's a bit of a concern.

What isn't helping is that not every country has provided details of what they have in orbit and different countries define 'debris' differently. Like, what appears to be a dead satellite could be just hibernating for now. So getting other countries to clean up their stuff might be difficult, and it might take some time for the different countries to decide on what exactly is debris and how to get rid of it.

The article does mention five different ways to get rid of some of the clutter, three of the ideas would take five years to implement, one would take 18 months and one could be used sooner (lasers) but is too controversial for political reasons. So. We have crap orbiting our planet but we can't seem to get rid of it soon enough. I wonder if anyone thought of this when we started hurling stuff up there?

What stuck in my mind is a question not posed in the article, but worthy of thought. Namely, could global warming be caused by the sun's rays reflecting off all the debris in space and heating up our atmosphere? Has anyone considered this possibility or is it just too ridiculous to consider?

More tidbits

2010-08-05T14:03:00.000-06:00

Everybody knows that a baby's first year is full of 'firsts', but did you know they continue on into teenagerhood? With that in mind, I had to book an appointment for T's first cavity. He's 15. Hopefully the experience will be scarring enough that he will brush his teeth more often.

J also had a first with me when he asked me to buy condoms. He's learned that anything put on the food shopping list will be bought, so he added them. When I told some people at work they were shocked that I'd even consider the purchase, but really, condoms are so much cheaper than babies. And if I'd had girls I'd be paying for the Pill anyway.

My sweet peas have bloomed but look stunted this year. They didn't reach the top of the fence and aren't as bushy as I'm used to. Maybe it's because we've had more rainfall this past summer than we've had in the last five or so years.

My bathtub is clogged. Again. A few years after we moved in here the tub clogged and it turned out to be the pipe that carries the waste water is almost level. It should have been graded better for drainage. Over the years I'd been wondering if I should buy a hair trap to put in the drain to keep the clogs away but I never got around to it. Well, and everyone in the house also had short hair for so long that it wasn't an issue. Now both boys have shoulder length hair and it's getting trapped in the drain pipe. The plumber will be here on Saturday (until then we will use the crappy stall shower in the basement) and I'm sure he'll pull up a hair clog the size of a kitten. Ew.

I'm actively looking for a job now. I keep thinking that things will get better at work, but I'm losing hope. Owner is a micromanager, a bully and she sucks the very soul out of every room she enters. Now I've been slapped in the face with reality: I have only a high school education and not much experience. Finding a job will not be impossible, just difficult. At least I'm still employed so I don't have to panic.

Before I read a comment about how I could go back to school, let me tell you how much I hated school. It was a demoralizing experience and the classes moved far too slowly for me to stay interested. I'm sure that adult education would be different - I could move at my own pace - but I just don't have my heart set on any career that involves me paying money to learn how to do it. Having said that, if my future employer wants to kick in some of the cost to further my career at the company, I'd be all for it :)

S has a new job (did I mention that before?) and he is enjoying it. He's doing what he does best: customer service. The company he's at is sorta hiring for another department and S let them know I was looking. I don't know about working in the same company as S, but we'd be in very different departments so it might be ok. I'd be measuring and mixing the ingredients to make cleaners and cleaning supplies while he'd be taking orders from people to buy the cleaning stuff. At this point I'm thinking anything is better than where I am now.

WooHoo!

2010-07-29T16:18:00.000-06:00

My Morden Sunrise bloomed! I really didn't expect to get any flowers at all this year, I was surprised to even see the buds appear. The flower smells just divine and I can't wait until this bush is huge with tones of flowers :)

Cows

2010-07-23T15:29:00.000-06:00

heeheehee:

We have new bikes

2010-07-22T14:16:00.000-06:00

S and I bought bikes! Not the motor kind, the pedal kind. I haven't owned a bike in years. Like over twenty years. Egad. Actually, I did buy a bike from a friend's daughter a few years ago but the size felt wrong and I felt wrong while on it, so I didn't keep it.

I had actually been wanting a bike for some time now but it seemed like too much hassle to find one that fits me properly. Then I passed a garage sale where the owner was selling a limited edition Schwinn bike made specially for Tim Horton's anniversary. She only wanted $175 for it but I didn't have cash with me. I'd saved enough of my allowance (yes, S and I give ourselves allowances, that way neither of us will spend all the money in the joint account) but I don't keep cash on hand at all now. So the next day I went back and figured if it was still there I was meant to have it and I'd ask to put it on hold for an hour while I went to the bank. But it had been sold by then :( So, off to WalMart we went.

I only glanced at the adult cycles, they are really just too large for me, and looked at the youth section. Surprisingly, they had one that fit well :) I originally wanted what was called a 'cruiser' bike which is a lot like the Schwinn bikes of old but they only have one gear. I do remember liking being able to change gears when I wanted to way back when. So the bike I did buy has 12 gears with what I would call mountain bike handlebars. Those ones are easier to hold onto while cruising around than the old fashioned ten speed 'ram style' handlebars. I didn't get to pick the color though, neither did S. This is my bike:S's looks just like it except it's red, men's style and one size larger.

Funny thing is I remember my parents riding their bikes after supper on summer evenings when I was a teen. Now here I am with a bike and I have teens. My dad had to stop after a while because it bothered his back too much and I do know he missed it quite a lot. I didn't realize how much I missed it until I got on the bike and rode around. There is something fantastic about having the wind whip through your hair on a sunny day on your bike :) Now that I'm older though I did have to make one improvement. That would be the seat. Oh yeah, the seat it came with was like sitting on carved wood. Most uncomfortable for my old self. So S and I bought new seats called 'comfort saddles' which are wider, more padded and have springs for some give. Honestly, when I rode around the first time with S I wondered how I ever walked normally as a child after being on my bike all day. Maybe seats have just gotten more uncomfortable with each year because I really don't remember them being so awful.

I've been taking my bike to the pool and the occasional trip to Safeway and have been reminded that bikes don't just scoot along on their own. Nay nay, you need to propel your bike with your legs. My legs are adjusting very slowly to what feels like sea legs after riding and I learned one very important lesson early one Sunday morning: only ride half as far as I want to go. After all, I need to propel myself back home eventually :) I almost called S that morning to give him directions to come and get me.

Time Travel

2010-07-16T18:22:00.000-06:00

S and I have been watching Through The Wormhole with Morgan Freeman, a fascinating show with topics like a Creator, big bang theory, black holes and time travel. The show has several points of view on each topic which keeps things interesting and my brain feels very full after each episode.

When time travel was discussed it occurred to me that I don't believe time travel could ever be possible. Why? Well, let me explain, but remember, I have zero background in quantum mechanics or physics.

Time is something we've defined probably by watching the cycles of the sun and moon and then dividing up that cycle into identifiable units. Days, hours, minutes and seconds. At some point someone noticed that everything evolves or changes over time. Babies grow into adults, acorns into trees, river beds are cut with water, rusting of metals, stuff like that. But nothing goes in reverse. Ever. A tree that is planted will only get older, bigger and leafier. A baby will only grow into a toddler, preschooler, child, teen and adult. A tree will not go backwards to it's sapling days nor will an adult revert back to his/her childhood days. Both these examples create offspring, but neither goes in reverse. If they did, someone would be seriously wealthy by patenting the Youth Serum. Our timeline runs exclusively forward.

Now, let's consider that for a moment. If nothing ever goes into reverse, how could we go back in time? We can't un-grow trees or un-born people, we can't rewind the Earth to bring us back to any specific moment. What if we step out of our dimension and into the past? Well, where is the information for the creation of the past kept? If the past exists in another dimension, who or what is storing all the data to accurately represent that moment ten minutes ago when T came out of his room for juice? How is all this data recorded and stored? Why would all this data even be stored?

What I can see is that somehow people are able to step out of their own dimensions and into a parallel universe that is perhaps at a different point in our timeline. But that wouldn't be going back in our own time, it would be visiting another world. My brain simply cannot bend to accept that somehow I'd be able to go back in time to my Junior High years and either view this time accurately or be myself as a teenager. I mean, would I have to absorb my boys as they reverted back to their fetus time and keep pedaling back until I'm 13? Or would I have to enter a holodeck to view a representation of my 13th year? Or digitize myself and transport myself to where the information is kept? But then I'm back to...where is all this information kept to be drawn upon later in time travel? What kind of massive database would it be to keep track of every atom, of every single bit of matter and of the chronological order it goes in when reassembled? And...why would that exist? What use could it possibly serve?

My brain is full just thinking about it...and strained from trying to get around my rigid mindset :)

Swimming

2010-07-10T09:57:00.000-06:00

For about a year now I've been wanting to go swimming. We went to a lake last year for S's family reunion and I remembered how much I used to love playing in the water. Thing is, I didn't have a swimsuit. Well, I did but it was too small. I tried it on and encountered the maximum stretch capacity in spandex/lycra. Believe me, it wasn't a pretty picture. And as much as I used to love trying on swimsuits I just couldn't get the energy together to go shopping for one. My body had changed and I didn't really like to face the reality of that. I had bought only two over the years, specifically for taking the boys to school field trips or supervise a birthday party at the pool. I didn't like the ones I'd bought as they were throwaway suits: they kept me covered so I could get in the pool. I don't even remember enjoying trying them on or picking them out, they just appeared in my drawer at home.

Before I was around 15 I would have a new swimsuit just about every year. I could even rattle off a list and description of each suit I owned and where I swam in it. Even the shopping for a new suit was something I loved. The smell of new suits was intoxicating and the new designs were thrilling. I'd go and try them on just for fun. I remember the last suit I tried on as a teen, it was a basic shape with a medium cut on the leg. The design was thick stripes in a V pattern alternating black and royal blue. It was fantastic! My little teen body looked incredibly good in the pattern, it made my figure look more of an hourglass and the V made me look a bit longer or taller. I stood in the change room admiring my cuteness when it struck me that I had nobody to go swimming with any more. My one swimming friend was no longer my friend, and when I took a hard look at the other people I knew I realized I didn't know anybody that liked to swim. And as silly as it seems now, I was terrified of going by myself. So I put the swimsuit back and put away my love of swimming. I can count on one hand the number of times I went swimming after that, almost always with children.

Children. That was my hurdle over the last year. We don't have a beautiful lake that I can get to within a half hour here in the city which leaves City pools to swim in. City pools mean public property. Public includes children. Children in diapers, children with runny noses, vomiting children, and fussy, screaming children. And preteens! Flailing about in the water as if they are the only ones there. Churning up the water so it's impossible not to be splashed or hit by a stray limb. And teens! Strutting about eying each other and sizing each other up. Judgment oozing from their pores. Obviously this is a generalization, but you get the picture. Imagine my delight when S said he used to go to the adult swim time. Adult swim? Really? I checked the pool schedule and there it was: adult swim Fridays 10pm-12am. Somehow I missed noticing that in searching the schedule for times my boys could go swimming over the past few summers.

Now, the trick was a swimsuit. I finally got my act together yesterday and really looked for a suit. I had tried on a couple over the last year but was unhappy at the result. I noticed that my formerly firm body had become squishy and spandex doesn't accommodate squish very well. The first one I tried on brought the reality of my new shape - potato. Yes, potato. No discernible waist, no butt (ok, I never really had much in the bum department), bigger potbelly than I remembered, boobs squished into the chest wall, and basic lumpy bumpiness. What I needed in a suit was fabric with no give, boning, underwire, and thick lining. That way I could just pour the gooey into the suit and still look good. Well, just the part covered by the suit would look good, the rest of me would still be lumpy, bumpy, gooey, squishy and jiggly.

After trying on more suits I realized that when the manufacturers said 'built in support' for the bra, they meant only for women of an A cup or less. Did I mention mine are in the DD range? The 'bra' was just two lined cuplettes that hid nipples and squeezed the rest of the breast out the sides. Trust me, that was not as attractive as you might think. I found one suit with hidden underwire but the rest of the suit was made for someone with a much longer torso so it bagged at the crotch, the waist was at my hip and the chest support was down around my waist causing the straps to strain to hold up my boobs. So that was not the suit for me. Oh, and I was looking specifically for a one-piece. No way I'm getting into a bikini, and a tankini just didn't feel like a proper swimsuit to me.

I suppose I could have paid over a hundred dollars for a suit and gone to a specialty store or a high end department store. But I'm cheap so I knew my choices would be a bit limited. I thought if I go swimming a lot then I can justify the cost of a good suit, but first I just need something acceptable to wear to the pool. I ended up at Winners where I found a Fantasizer suit that had odd stitching on the sides proclaiming that it will make your waist and hip look one size smaller. There was only one of it and it was in my size so it came with me to the change room. Surprisingly it actually did give me a bit more of a ladylike shape and a bit less of the potato shape, so even though I found the design to be boring, I took it home.

Then, we went swimming. For the first time in ages I went swimming in a city pool without my boys or being obligated to supervise at a children's pool party. And it was fun :) I can't swim, not really, but it was fun to just move around in the pool and swim as best as I could. One fantastic thing is that I could wear my glasses! It didn't occur to me to do that when I was young. When I had to supervise at a school field trip to the pool it was required that I get in the pool and be able to see the kids, so I kept my glasses on. S told me he always wore his glasses when swimming, but I don't know why I never thought of it. Being able to see was definitely a bonus :) There was also a hot tub that we tried out but I found it a bit too hot after only a minute or two. I wouldn't even go into the steam room. Last time I tried that I remember feeling like I was choking and I really prefer being able to breathe freely.

It was good to see a very wide selection of people at the pool as well. There were other Potato People and Potbellied Men. There were also Potbellied Speedo Men, Bikini Women and Very Large People but there was no ogling, staring, nudging and whispering, pointing and laughing or general Meat Market activities. I don't know if my perception has changed or if I imagined it all before but it was nice to just swim without feeling judged.

You know what feeling I had completely forgotten? Gravity. I didn't realize how slow I had been becoming, how gently I've been treating my joints, how carefully I've been moving to avoid injury. I'm only 40 but I seem to move like I'm 60. But in the pool I'm weightless :) I feel like I did at 10 - easy, flexible and free. I'll be going swimming again next Friday :)

Super cold pop

2010-07-09T04:36:00.000-06:00

Do you know what is a fantastic treat in the heat? Icy mugs! aka frosty mugs. S got the idea from remembering how A&W always served their root beer in frosted mugs.

What you do is take a large glass mug and put a little water in the bottom, then put it in the freezer. It takes several hours to freeze but it's worth it :) The pop that I put in my icy mug tastes better than any pop I've ever had. I don't know if it's because the pop is kept very cold or if it's because the pop is in a glass mug instead of aluminum can but lordy I do like me an icy mug on a hot day.

J is doing my work for me

2010-07-08T20:25:00.000-06:00

WooHoo! I managed to convince J to cut the grass for me! Ok, I had to pay him, but still, it's one job I don't have to do in the heat :)

One thing I did do for him was clean out the blade area. Last time I cut the grass the blade sounded seriously wobbly and the motor had a hard time. When I turned the mower on its side I saw that the cavity the blade sits in was caked with grass clippings. An inch or so of clippings in some places, plus a lot of mold. Luckily I don't have allergies so it didn't bother me to chip it all off with a butter knife.

Considering that it was J's second time doing the lawn he did a pretty good job :)

Tidbits

2010-06-26T10:17:00.000-06:00

Thanks Vicki for identifying my bugs! I don't like the sound of 'weevils' and don't imagine they have much good to do with my roses, but I'll leave them alone for now.

The liquid ant killer in the wax paper cones is working exceptionally well. The second application has just about obliterated the colonies. Except now I've found carpenter ants in my railroad ties that line my driveway. The carpenter ants were moving in yesterday which was kinda neat. Fascinating to watch them have ants to make sure the path was free of danger before the egg carriers emerged. As much as I would just leave them alone because they aren't really destroying anything but the ties, I don't want them moving into our house. Carpenter ants like soft wood - which tells me the ties are rotting - and I know the foundation to my house is compromised. So the ants can do significant damage to the house if they want. Now, it's killing time. I put three cones out in between the ties that I saw the ants moving into, each cone has a different brand of ant killer in it. It will be hard to see the results as the ants generally stay in the wood, but I'll keep an eye on it anyway.

I shampooed my carpets yesterday. Well, just the living room, hallway and J's room. I was prepared to do T's room as well but he didn't want to move the stuff off the floor for me. Both boys eat and drink in their rooms and therefore spill and grind food into the carpets. Yes, it was icky. I had to change the water reservoir three times in J's room alone. I also found out if I went at a speed of what seemed like an inch a minute the shampooer works really well. I expect the carpets to remain their uniform beige for about a day after J gets home.

T built a computer bot that goes through Facebook looking for specific words and then it automatically joins groups with those words. I can't really explain it as I don't really understand it, but it's cool :) Apparently it confuses his friends because it looks like T is online with Facebook but he doesn't respond to chat. The bot ignores chat. He is always asking me what kind of program he can write for computers, or what kind of website he should build. But I have no idea. Any of you have ideas for T? Feel free to comment and I'll pass it along to him.

J had the bit of enlightenment to tell me that it would have been better if he'd not been expelled from School and not been transferred to Other School. Other School has been a horrible experience all around for him and he thought it would have been better if he'd just dealt with Principal from School as Principal & AP from Other School are far worse. I agreed, and said maybe New School next year will be a better experience for him. He even said that for the first time in his life he'll give respect first and see if they respect him back instead of waiting for them to give respect to him first. Now, let's hope he remembers that in two months :)

S switched jobs recently. All my complaining about Owner and her micromanagement skills run a parallel to S's old boss. S's boss was even treating S like he wanted S to quit, similar to Owner treating Cook badly in hopes Cook would quit. Which, btw, she did. So now S works at a laptop clearance store as a salesman, but not for long. He lined up a customer service job for a company that produces chemicals for cleaning. Like, industrial cleaning and hospital cleaning and, uh, difficult stain cleaning. First he has to go through a drug test (done, waiting for results which will be clean) and a police security clearance (in progress, also no worries there). Once those two things are done he can arrange his start date. He was told the reason for the testing was that many drugs can be made from industrial cleaning ingredients so they need to not hire people that will take advantage of that.

I'm back to eating chocolate again. Just love it too much I guess :) The chocolate has changed in the last few decades, making it much more waxy and tasteless. But I found a chocolate from my youth. A chocolate that melts in my mouth like warm silk. A chocolate that has the richness of flavor I've come to expect. This chocolate is Godiva Milk. It's sad that a specialty chocolate is what used to be commonplace chocolate. I also tried Lindt Milk thinking it would be similar, but it's not, Godiva rules. Godiva also has a cleaner ingredient list from what I remember as I scanned past the calorie content and nutritional information on the back.

New bugs

2010-06-22T19:35:00.000-06:00

Every year there's a new crop of insects invading my yard. Some stay for a few years and others leave after only one year. So far I've found two new bugs, both on one rose bush in the back yard.

This one on the left looks like some kind of beetle or something. Attached to its head is a long, curved, black, uh, stinger/feeler/antenna. It looked like it was sucking something out of the rose bud with this stinger.

The next bug is also red and actually looks like it's in the same family as the rose bud beetle. This one on the left I thought was a ladybug until it moved. It's about the same size as a ladybug but longer and no dots on the back. Instead it just has the one black marking. I couldn't get a picture of the underside (it caught on to me moving the flower around so it'd walk away, then it flew away) but it's black with thin yellow stripes. Or possibly white stripes.

And...my Morden Sunrise has new growth! Three little leaf buds on three different stems :) No hope of it blooming this year, but it'll be pretty next year.

And a side note: never buy batteries from the discount store Giant Tiger. I got four pictures with new batteries before the camera informed me 'batteries exhausted'.

More yard work today

2010-06-19T17:06:00.001-06:00

Well I got a huge amount of yard work done today. Not only did I mow the lawn and pull weeds from all my garden spots, I also pulled all the weeds out from in between the cement tiles in the back yard. Now I don't feel like I have to mow the patio as well as the grass :) I've also learned that if I get all the weeds and grass out from in between the tiles, it's much easier to shovel it in the winter. One year I'd like to actually get all the grass out from in between the tiles and cracks on the path as well as the patio. But it's pretty thick there. That grass has taken over the cement to the point that I just mow it to keep it under control.

Now that my boys are older they don't spend any time at all in the back yard anymore. The only evidence of children in my yard are three divots. One is where the swing set used to be, one is where the sandbox was and one is from me letting T dig a hole one summer. I filled the swing set divot with dirt a few weeks ago from my neighbor's 'free dirt' pile in their front yard. The grass is just peeking through it now. The sandbox divot is about 4' by 6' and a few inches deep. It would take a few wheelbarrow loads to fill that. And the hole T dug is like a sinkhole in one section of the yard, deep in parts and shallow in others. My landlord was not impressed that I allowed that to be dug. But it's not on any main path in the yard so I haven't filled it in yet. I'm considering getting more free dirt and filling the divots but it might discourage the rabbits from coming around.

Now that children aren't filling the yard the jackrabbits have made it their personal snacking ground. The bunnies even feel safe enough to nap in the back yard when it's quiet. It's funny because I'll look out and wonder where that rock came from and realize it's a rabbit napping in ball form :) Over the last couple of days I've been so wrapped up in my own world that I didn't even notice Jack the Rabbit until he moved on the grass and made a noise. I looked to my right and saw that I could almost reach out and pet Jack if he hadn't been squishing his body away from me. Interesting that he didn't take off as soon as I got close, instead he and his buddy just rolled their eyes at me and swivel their ears until I was a good distance away.

I also planted a new rose bush in my back yard. We were at Walmart looking for ant killer last week when I found a bush that was supposed to have the most beautiful sunset colored flowers. I say 'supposed to' because the bush appeared dead. There were no other bushes like it so I took it over to the till and asked if I could get a discount on it. After all, there was no guarantee that it would grow at all. Not even very much hope from the looks of it. Some of the main stems were still green but all the leaves and buds were so dry and dead they were crispy. The clerk ended up giving me a 60% discount on the poor thing. So I planted it in the center of my Alyssum flowers and picked off all the dead leaves and whatnot. I even put some bone meal in the hole so the roots would have some nourishment. I've been watering it faithfully but I noticed the stems starting to shrivel at the tops, so I trimmed them back just a bit. The main stems are still green but no new growth at all. I hope it lives, the picture of the flowers is really pretty.

Thinking of ant killer, that Raid stuff really worked! I put some in a little wax paper cone in the ground near the larger hills and sprinkled some on the smaller hills. I've been checking and the smaller hills are now just mounds of dirt. The larger hills still have some ants but their population is significantly smaller. After cutting the grass today I went out with new wax cones and filled them with 'Ant B Gon'. I figure if Raid got most of the ants, a different brand might get the rest. I admit I did feel a bit bad that I killed whole populations of ants...but the feeling passed pretty quickly :)

Pests

2010-06-12T18:58:00.001-06:00

Wasps
Every year we have a wasp's nest somewhere on the property. Last year it was under my front step but it's also been under the compost bin (when we still had one), in a pile of wood, underground and in the shed. This year it returned to the shed.

As much as I love nature and all its creatures, I really don't like wasps. Maybe even a little afraid of them, actually. About two weeks ago I killed a gigantic wasp in my basement, probably a queen. I have no idea how she got in the house but man oh man she needed to be evicted immediately. She didn't die easily either. Oh no, she fought hard. But I was victorious with my wooden spoon squishing and crushing her. So I was a little surprised at finding a nest hanging in my shed. Usually it's only one wasp's nest to deal with.

We waited until dark to remove the nest because I know wasps sleep at the same times we do. I was all ready to grab the nest with a bag, drop it to the ground and crush the nest under my feet. I had long sleeves on, pants and even gloves. I was ready. Then I got right up close to the nest and heard the gentle crackling of wasps settling into sleep. Then I realized that my body refused to obey my brain's command.

I kept telling myself that the worst that would happen is that I'd be stung. I've been stung before and I'm not allergic. It just hurts for a while. Well, a long while. But the idea of being able to feel moving wasps in a nest inside a bag made me want to eject my stomach contents. This is where I learned that I'm a really big talker and a tiny doer. My plan to remove the nest seemed really easy until action time.

Luckily, S was there and took over. After he put on long sleeves, winter gloves, a knit hat and a shirt covering his lower face and neck. Yes, he looked silly. Yes, I giggled at him. But he was braver than I was...eventually. He had the same paralyzing sense of freak out that I did. Once he did finally grab the nest he dropped it on the ground where he stamped on it repeatedly. When he got off I slammed a chunk of cement tile on it while he got two more bags. I took the smashed bag and put it into another bag, which I put in another bag. I tied the bag up and put it in the garbage bin.

This morning I checked the bag - no buzzing or suspicious holes - and the shed. The nest is indeed gone but two foragers were very confused. They kept going to where the nest used to be. They'll die off without their queen. Hey, you know how to deter wasps? Take a brown paper bag and fill it with air. Tie off the open end with a rubber band and hang it outside. It looks like a nest so more wasps won't come around. I may have to try that.

Ants
If you remember, I took some ant poison and poured it on three of the big colonies in my front yard. The poison effectively killed my grass...but the ants lived. They simply moved their entry and exit points over just a bit. I swear one of the colonies is even larger now. Plus I still have gigantic colonies down near my driveway in the back.

I was talking to my neighbor across the alley the other day and commented to him that he has the best lawn I've ever seen. Lush, thick, green grass with no discernible ant hills. He disagreed - there were two or three very large hills recently. He used this stuff called Ant Killer in a little green bottle. What he did was take a small circle of waxed paper and press it into the ground near the hill. This formed a little cup or cone. He then put some of this poison in the cone. The ants liked the poison because it was sweet, and they fed it to the queen. The colonies (apparently) died.

I couldn't find Ant Killer, but I did find three similar brands at Home Depot. Today I decided to start with the Raid. It says to put a few drops down near or on the colony and it would kill them. Well, I have very large colonies, so I put the cone down and filled it halfway as well as sprinkled the poison over the top of the hill. One colony got two cones because it's absolutely gigantic. I also found many, many single entry points for little hills. Each and every one of those got a drop or two.

The bottle says it takes about a week to work. I'm hoping for sooner. Now would be great. If the Raid doesn't work then I'll move on to the next one, or give them a cocktail of all three or something. Or try the hot water thing. I really don't want to boil pail upon pail upon pail of water to pour down the hills. There are just too many hills.

Maybe I should check the ant hills and see if the population has decreased. Maybe it's starting to work already. Maybe I could find some patience while I'm out there.